#do not look at me too hard right now. posting image is scary today even though I am trying to be nonchalant.

[chiropteracupola]

he is traveling on...

[achillieus]

let you down. (sebastian stan x reader)

summary: it's a universal truth but it's worth repeating; feelings eat us raw. or just an actor and a girl falling in and out of love over the course of three months.

(this was inspired by sebastian's visit to greece for his movie, monday, and is based on that, so that means in the story we’re in 2018. also i have this posted on ao3 too but while i’m writing the last parts i thought of posting it here too)

pairing: sebastian stan x reader

warnings: alcohol, sexual references, implied depression, sebastian desperately needs to hug the reader, infidelity, it's kinda slowburn because i love the yearning, this part is full of angst and built up tension,

part: 3/6

(other parts)   (masterlist)

Being Sebastian Stan is not a simple thing. Some days it makes him feel like he is only a porcelain face on screen. Nothing more than photographs and rumors. He had once told an interviewer he was scared people would never know the real Sebastian. What he meant was that he was worried he’d wake up one day and the real him would be vanished.

The world would have eaten him alive.

Walking you home, in empty streets in a small country makes it all easier. His mind is clear of dazzling thoughts and his heart is not racing up. He can smile and no one will be there to take a picture of him.

Somehow that makes him smile more.

And when he does, it feels like Christmas. And you are certain there will come a day where you’ll be so close to oblivion and unable to remember what mint tastes like or what your favorite color is, but you’ll still have the turned up corners of his mouth painted in your head.

He stops walking. You look at him confused. He’s fidgeting with his fingers.

“Back at the party,” he takes a long breath as if trying to slow down his heartbeat, “You were talking with that tall guy.”

He sounds terrified. You don’t understand why. He thinks it’s better that way.

“Yeah I was.” There’s a flicker of surprise in your voice.

“Do you know him well?” You realize you have stopped in front of a pharmacy, the halogen light above you, turning your skin a sick green color.

“I know he’s an actor.” You take a step, finding the courage to walk away from him. “He’s kinda famous here.”

You can hear him move close behind you.

“Do you want me to ask Argyris if he’s single?”

There’s mockery in his voice. It makes you feel intoxicated. It’s your turn to stop walking. Your gaze falls on his face and Sebastian can feel his eyes sting but he keeps them open; wide and pale blue.

Almost green, under this light.

“No.”

“Oh don’t be sh-“

“No, I mean it. I would never date a famous guy.”

“Why?” A hasted breath escapes his trembling lips. And for a moment you think of kissing him right there; in the middle of the street, but you never do.

His world moves too fast for people like us.

That’s what you want to yell back at him, but then you remember;

The evening Sebastian fell asleep in your couch, he was more than a famous guy. He was clutching on your pillow like a kid and he was humming to himself like your father used to.

And he smiled as he fell asleep.

There is no argument left in you. He’s just a boy.

“I’m scared.” Your words slowly suffocate him. He feels the weight of your heart pulling him down.

He nods.

/

The next two days pass in a blur. You can hear him laugh with people as they walk up the stairs to Argyris’ flat. You’re not used to him not stopping at your door. It makes your cheeks red and your eyes filled with salty tears.

You haven’t realized until now, but you’ve become dependent on his presence.

So when you open your eyes at 4am with your phone buzzing with an Instagram message, you bite your cheeks.

Are you awake?

You stare at the screen to make sure you read it all correct, until it turns black and then lights up once again.

Why are you scared?

You don’t have to be scared with me.

I’m trying. You want to answer. Help me. You want to answer. Please.

You put your phone away until the words turn blurry.

/

He’s back at your door the following night. He’s wearing a white tank top and his rings. He must have just finished shooting.

You keep staring at each other, both tongue-tied with the words you’ll never say. He looks worried and desperate. You look tired and desperate. Taylor Swift is playing in the background.

“No more AC/DC?” He laughs and your eyes smile.

“Do you want to talk?” He asks.

You shake your head like you’re at war with yourself.

“Do you want to just stay here?” Your voice is too silent but it’s almost deafening him.

Sebastian thinks that he wants tons of things. He wants to hold you. And he wants to touch you. Everywhere. And he wants to know why there’s sorrow surrounding you. And he wants to take it all away.

And he wants you.

But he knows that he can’t tell you that. These words are too heavy for you to carry on your shoulders. At least for now.

“I’ll stay.” He says with a breath.

You give him an almost smile and all you can feel is gratitude.

/

You lay in your bed together. You’ve slept with other guys in that bed before. And it’s been nude and sloppy and brutal. But this is different. This is intimacy in its purest form. You’re both fully clothed but you both feel naked. And so close. So close.

All Sebastian can hear is the sound of your breathing and every bone inside him is breaking. He is afraid he’s turning paralyzed.

And then you move your body and bring your forehead next to his. Sebastian inhales deeply. You smell of faded vanilla body cream.

You look at him and you know then you can get used to that. You bury your fingers in the hem of his shirt. You want him to come closer. He knows.

“I’ll stay love,” his voice is steady and sincere “Anytime.”

He calls you love because there’s nothing else to call you. He calls you love because you both need him too.

“I don’t think that’s possible.” Sebastian thinks you’re always too sensible. It’s something you keep between the hollows of your body. “But it’s okay.”

His hand is in your hair. It soothes you.

“What happened? What broke you?” he whispers.

You don’t know what to say. You don’t know how everything started. It's hard to remember but there is one image in the back of your eyes that crawls through your skin and makes you shiver. You try to ignore it.

“I don’t know.” He turns his gaze at you but you look at the cold ceiling. It’s so much easier this way.

He doesn’t answer. He just draws circles in the back of your palm and places his lips against the scalp of your head. And while you’ve never been much of a science person, you’re certain this is how a nuclear attack emerges.

/

When the sun rises and you wake up, he’s not there. Earth moves slowly as the cold sheets press against your skin.

It’s early, there is a soft breeze coming in from your open window. A man is bickering with this wife across the street.

You can hear her call him a liar.

I’ll stay love.

You can hear him yell his apologies.

Anytime.

Why do people lie? Why do we lie?

You don’t try to search for him. You take a shower and drink some chocolate milk. You pay attention to the silence in the room. You almost forget your heart is still beating.

/

You bump into Argyris’ girlfriend while taking out the garbage. You like her a lot. She’s strong and pretty and smart. You wonder sometimes, how exactly that feels.

You pray she doesn’t mention him. It doesn’t work.

“He must be flying right now.” Suddenly you feel as if there is something rotten inside your chest. It makes you want to graze your skin and throw away everything that's inside.

You look at her slightly confused.

“He’s flying to Toronto; he has to attend a festival there.” She smiles. You’ve noticed she always smiles.

You just nod and step out of the building. Her voice stops you.

“He’s coming back in some days.”

“I don’t care.” Now she laughs.

“There’s no need to lie.” You take a sharp breath. “He cares too.”

You want to believe her words but they seem like choke chains.

You throw your garbage away.

You keep your rotten chest.

/

Sebastian sits back at his seat and orders a hundred and one drinks. The airplane is chasing the sun. He’s chasing his thoughts. Neither will ever catch up.

He used to like travelling. Airports, suitcases and foreign hotel rooms made him feel free. Now they make him feel the opposite.

The material on his seat is rugged. He wants to go back to your soft sheets. He can’t.

And then he imagines a place and a time where he could just kiss you without any possible consequences. He imagines a place where you could rest your bodies together for a long time without worries weighing you down. He imagines a place where he gets what he wants. A place where that thing between you two is more than enough.

The sun blinds him. He closes the small window and then his eyes.

Being Sebastian Stan is not a simple thing.

Some days he can’t take it.

/

You’re sitting on the floor and it’s almost 9 in the morning. You’ve calculated the time difference and it’s 2 in the morning where he is. That sounds wrong. Almost scary.

He left three days ago but he’s everywhere. There are photos of him wearing stupid floral shirts and posing in a sophisticated way. And there’s Nicole Kidman next to him.

God. I’ve become infatuated with a man who plays in movies with Nicole Kidman and Robert Downey Jr.

That’s what you think and you know you’re doomed.

You expect him to send you a message or a picture at first, but he doesn’t. You wonder if your time together was only a blurry puzzle of disconnected memories that somehow fits in his past.

He’ll simply forget all of it.

You try not to think about him but then you meet Argyris in the lobby and you have to bite the inside of your mouth so his name doesn’t jump out from your lips.

You go to bed early that day. You hold onto your pillow and you count the hours that separate you.

(13 hours with a plane)

(25 days with a boat)

You count and you fall asleep.

And you fall in love.

/

It’s not uncommon to rain in Toronto. But today rain feels heavier on Sebastian’s skin. He remembers the day he met you; it was hot and the sun made the window glass look like it was about to melt. That memory is the cause of his shivering.

Once upon a time he was in love. He was in love with a girl who had ethereal written all over her body. He was in love with a girl who was destined for divinity.

But those were the old days; they are dead and gone now. Your skin glistening under the Athenian sun changed it all.

It’s not easy to feel this way. The sky understands so it opens up and pours down on his dark hair. He presses his eyes closed with his fingers. And he tries to imagine a version of himself that doesn’t think about you that often.

He can’t.

Not even when he has a deity as his girlfriend.

/

The next time you see him, his hair is a little longer and much messier than you remember. And you have to devour all the sense that’s left inside you as not to touch it with your bare hand.

He has a cigarette in his fingers and a dark jacket thrown around his shoulders and everyone’s asking him about the festival. You just sit on the corner of your neighbor’s flat and listen to laughter and glasses clicking against each other. And you smile.

Smile; because he’s here.

And then he notices you and you’re pretty sure his eyes linger on your face a little longer than it's normal for humans. And his gaze is so brilliantly blank and loony that you don’t know how to respond. And then he starts to cough. And he never looks at you for the rest of the night.

You want to believe it’s better this way.

But it makes you so angry; you want to clench your teeth hard.

/

It goes like this; you don’t exchange any words for the next two days and it feels like your lips will start to bleed.

And you don’t know but his head feels like battlefield.

“When do you know you can’t stop it?” He asks Argyris. He feels ashamed.

“When you don’t want to stop it.”

He grabs the beer can and drinks his confusion away. He hopes alcohol will send his thoughts to sleep but instead it sends him to your door.

He rests his head against the wooden material. He can hear water running down and he can hear you humming a song.

And the foreign words make no sense to him but somehow they sound like lyrical poetry.

He waits for the water to stop and then he knocks.

/

Your hair is wet and sticks to your blue shirt. Your eyes grow wide when you see him standing there.

“I thought you’d never come at my door again.”

He looks at the floor.

“I shouldn’t.”

He sounds defeated; defeated by his own self. And you can smell the flammable liquid on his breath. And you can see that he has his nails pressed against his palm. You take his hand in yours and he closes his eyes. You caress the little cuts with your fingers. There are no scars but the skin is still red and painted with fear. You understand and it makes you feel dirty and obscene.

You look thoughtful for a moment and then you decide you can’t go on like this. It will split your souls.

“How’s Canada?” His eyes fill with surprise and he laughs. It gives you pride.

“Never been?”

He takes a step inside your place and his eyes fall on the empty bottle of pills at the kitchen table.

He doesn’t say a word about it.

You love him for that.

“I’ve never been anywhere.” Your cheeks are flushed with a soft raspberry color.

Sebastian realizes then that he wants to show you the entire world. Every corner of it. He wants to hold your hand as you walk beneath the Corsican stars. And he wants to memorize the Northern lights with you by his side. And he wants to see you laugh as he falls off his surf board in New Zealand. And he wants every cliché thing there is to do.

His heart stretches at the thought of it.

“Canada is beautiful in its own way.” He looks out of your window.

You wonder if he’s trying to find some more constellations in the sky, but then he turns around and walks towards you.

“I’ve been there a lot of times.”

Of course you have, you think.

He brushes a strand of hair behind your ears. It’s still damp and cold.

“Have you been to a lot of places?” He smiles and nods.

And then you can sense it; the sharp feeling of heartbreak crawling under your skin. You try to ignore it.

“I used to be grateful I travel all the time.”

You place your hand on his chest. The beating makes you calm.

“You’re not grateful anymore?”

He rubs his palm over his face.

“I am,” he inhales “But sometimes I just want to stay where I am.”

Yeah, I know.

He leaves an hour later, still drunk.

Still in love.

/

On Sunday, he takes you out for dinner. You tell him you don’t like dates. He promises it’s not a date.

You know you’re both lying.

He orders some red wine and he drinks as he watches you eat. It all feels natural to him. Somewhere at the back of his head though, there’s still some rationality left, that makes him think, this can’t be wrong, when it feels so natural.

He doesn’t drink any more.

/

You’re playing with the maraschino cherry on your dessert when his phone rings and your world comes crashing down.

You don’t intend to but you see the caller ID.

Love.

He had called you love one night.

He feels too guilty to look at you so he grabs the device and gets out of the place.

You want to throw the ice cream on the floor.

And then you want to hit the wall; with your head. But you can’t. So you just bite down at the cherry and wait for him to come back.

And when he does, things are different.

He doesn’t to try to make jokes and you don’t laugh. His eyes are everywhere but on you and your hand stays away from his.

You tell him you’re done with dessert so you can leave.

He has never felt more relieved.

/

Your pace is fast, but he catches up. You can’t outrun him.

His breath quickens as he comes closer. It’s almost innocent and childlike, the look he gives you.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers and it makes you laugh. You laugh and you shake your head and it’s not enough.

“Why?” He can taste the bitterness all over you. “This wasn’t date. So why are you sorry?”

You keep walking and his breath keeps echoing in your ears. You find the entrance of your building.

You’ve seen the place a hundred times but only now you notice how old it looks. It makes you disgusted. It makes you want to vomit.

It starts with him saying he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

And then you rest your body at the soiled wall, trying to remind yourself you’ve had your heart broken before. And your eyes are not dry anymore. And you can taste salt in your lips. And he comes closer and he holds you.

You swear you see tears in his cheeks too, but he’s too fast to wipe them away.

“Have you ever done anything only to regret it a second later?”

You’re not certain which one of you asks but you can hear your bones breaking as you throw your head around and he arches his back.

His hands touch the dried tears on your face and it stings like sewing needles. And his lips touch yours. And for a brief moment you feel like you’re stealing from life.

And he can taste all of you; raw.

And it feels like fists that punch him.

And when you pull away you both have already regretted everything.

“Now you have something to be sorry for.”

You wonder if perhaps a broken dignity is better than a broken heart.

/

i really appreciate feedback, it motivates me tons and also tell me if you’d like to be tagged :)

tagging: @lharrietg @awkward117 @dannaloureen @broccoligf @cutestfangirlvevo @caitdaniels @arymb @buckybarnesishot310 @roguesthetic @itsaliceheree @sara-1705 @dorothea-hwldr @freshfreakoaftrash​ @drinkfantasy

[quirklessidiot]

Title: filthy rich [3/3]  Pairing: millionaire!sakusa kiyoomi x y/n [filthy capitalist au] Genre: mystery, major angst ahead, thriller, mafia!au-ish

Synopsis: Just run, Y/N. Don’t look back.

Warnings: dark and yandere themes, toxic relationships, mentions of violence, shady business, class differences, mentions of rape, smoll breeding kink, unwanted pregnancy, mentions of abortion, and sakusa being a manipulative bastard 

Notes: 

Im disappering again for a week or two so as a parting gift, here ya go, im starting a bokuto fanfic soon and posting the reboot of notice me soon too hnnng thanks for the wait guys uwu

A sorta realistic take on a yandere is harder than it looks kssjdn omg anyways here yall go the long awaited last chapter of filthy rich. I’m not sure if I should put like a one shot sequel but so far im marking this series completed. Thanks for sticking by!

previous || series masterlist || blood son [sequel;one shot]

You run your hands through your hair and shut your eyes tight, the quietness and stillness of your shared apartment was something to bask on before you put on a fake mask of happiness. It had been exactly two months since you found out about the birth control switch and the medaide agenda. 

In the span of those two months, you had grown more observant towards your boyfriend’s actions and you knew that it wouldn’t be anytime soon until he actually notices that you were onto him. 

You let out a shaky breath as you recollected some weird things you’ve seem to have noticed, how his brows would furrow when he’d receive a call indicating that something was up and it was serious or how you visited your ex-boss one time a week or so ago along with Kenjiro since you wanted to see how he was doing.

“...Well, he just didn’t come home and sold the place. Apparently he was in a rush to move or something because of family matters so I didn’t exactly see him.” the neighbor gossiped to you two.

“Y/N?”

You jump on your spot as you hear that dreadfully familiar voice.

“Hey,” You greet, walking up to him, you decide to do your usual hug but stop when you notice a small red stain on his necktie, the tie is dark blue and although it wasn’t obvious from afar, it definitely was up close. Your brows are furrowed together, this time in pure curiosity, “Did you get hurt? It’s unlike you to get messy.”

You notice the quick shift of attitude in his eyes, you were seemingly getting good at observing his emotions these days and it looked like he panicked for a second there.

Odd.

“A friend of mine had gotten hurt a while ago, you remember Atsumu Miya?”

A vivid image of a blonde man crossed your mind, he was another conglomerate friend of your boyfriend, another person to be weary of to add to the list, “Oh, is he alright?” you asked, trying to keep it casual as you untie his tie for him as usual.

“Yes. He’s awfully clumsy. You don’t need to worry.”

“Oh…” You mumbled, “by the way, I visited my ex-chief.”

“Ex-chief?”

“Mhm.” you hummed, “You know, my boss from before? Me and a few co-workers decided to visit him since he was a really good boss. Turns out he just left without telling anyone, poor man.”

“Sounds unpleasant. Did you know why he quit?”

“No.” You shrugged as you take the tie out and place it on the side, “He suddenly just quit his job and moved, neighbors said it was also because of family matters. It’s kinda weird because as far as we knew, he didn’t have a family.”

“Would you like me to look into it?”

You almost stiffen when he slithers his arms on your waist but you didn’t want to give away any suspicion, “No. I don’t want to pry. Hopefully he’s enjoying his retirement.” You sighed, turning towards him with a tight smile, “Now what would you like for dinner? I was thinking Mediterranean? I need to lose some weight since I’ve been feeling bloated for a while.”

He leans in for a soft kiss on your temple, “Mediterranean would be fine. Would you like anything else? We could order more.” he hummed, his lips slowly started to dangerously hover on top of yours.

“No, it’s fine.” You give him a quick peck and wiggle your way out of his arms, your stomach doesn’t feel well these days. Whenever you were near Sakusa you had the urge to throw up your innards despite having an empty stomach.

You don’t notice the dangerous gaze on your behind as you pick up the phone for your take-out.

Sakusa hasn’t felt you in a long time and it’s driving him insane, he wants to feel your heat, your body, and everything in between. He wants to fill you up and see you pregnant with his children. He wants everyone in the world to know you were his and his only.

Yet he can’t do that.

You’ve ignored his affections these past few weeks and it had been driving him insane to the point where he had to ask one of his men to put an eye on you to see if you had been cheating on him or seeing someone else.

Yet you hadn’t.

Your routine was the same old one and Sakusa is digging his nails deeply into his skin in his office one day with his tie uncharacteristically untied. Miya Atsumu sits across him, taking a sip from his flask, “Ya look like shit.” the blonde points out.

“Fuck off, Miya.”

“Heard from your cousin that you’re not getting laid by your girl these days.”

“You better be thankful that you’ve got men behind you or I’d be shooting your fucking brains out for saying that.” Sakusa spats, his dark gaze pointedly looking at the blonde across him.

“You should just find someone else then and not yer prude of a-”

“Keep telling me ideas like that and maybe I might just shoot you and chop your body up until it looks fuckin’ unrecognizable.”

Atsumu raises his hands up, signaling that he was giving up, “Gee, omi-omi. I was just giving my advise. It’s so easy to drop her.”

“I don’t want to drop what’s mine.”

“You’ve got issues.” He chuckles, “Haven’t you been switching out her pills and fucking her raw for the last couple of months? I bet yer ass you got her pregnant on that before but ya just don’t know it. Getting her pregnant would definitely secure her spot in her life. Woman’s nuthin’ without ya.”

“She’s...she’s not showing…”

“When was the last time ya two went at it?”

“Two months ago.”

“Ya poor boy.” Atsumu sighs, shaking his head, “Ya sure you don’t want to take a break from being a loyal boyfriend for one night? i bet Y/N wouldn’t notice.”

“And no one would notice if you fucking disappeared. I’ll make sure of it, now get out.”

You may not have been the sharpest tool on the shed but you know that someone’s been tailing you these past few days, you’re not stupid. You could only come to the conclusion that it was Sakusa who was doing such things but you couldn’t get why.

Something just didn’t make sense. It felt like you were missing an important piece in the puzzle, med-aide and the switch of your pills and now a hidden tail?

You furrow your brows together in deep thought  as you sat down next to a teenage boy on his phone, you decided to take the bus today to the grocery store, surprisingly the one tailing you wasn’t around today.

Your eyes slowly shift towards the boy’s phone, it seemed like he was playing a video game.

An otome game, to be exact.

You felt your lips twitch up, you remembered those games a lot growing up. The graphics seem to have massively improved now by the looks of it, “...That looks interesting.” You tell the teenage boy who turns to you in surprise.

“Oh, thanks.” the blonde replied quietly.

“Is that a new otome game?”

“Kind of.” He blinks, his gaze returning back to the screen,  “It’s sort of a remake of the yandere simulator from back then.”

You feel your shoulders tense up.

“A yandere?”

“Yeah.” The blonde nods, “The girl’s awfully creepy in the game, she stalks him, does things to get him. The player has to catch her in the act and evade her at the same time.”

“Oh…” You blink, “I-uh, this is weird… but what’s a yandere again?’

“It’s someone obsessively in love with you. They’ll do anything to have you stay by them.” He says, pushing on a button but suddenly the screen turns red and you feel shivers run down your spine as you hear him curse and the words ‘you’re caught’ appear on the screen.

“W-what happened to your character?”

“He died. Nothing much.” he mumbles, “If the Yandere knows they can’t have you, they’ll kill you.”

You immediately went pale as soon as you heard that. Maybe, just maybe you were being paranoid. He wouldn’t go to that extent, would he?

“How did your character escape the yandere in the game?” 

“Well, I haven’t finished the game yet but based on some anime’s and manga’s I've usually read. They either killed to get away or they moved so far away where they wouldn’t be seen so I think the creator might have the same ending.” The blonde said, he slowly looked to your side, “You’re looking awfully pale, ma’am. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, j-just remembered a horrible game I played back when I was your age.” You gulped in, “Nightmares, you know? The yandere tried to get my character pregnant and tried to get in her way of moving out of the country.”

“Sounds like a very realistic one.”  He mumbles, “What did your character do?”

“I wasn’t able to finish it.” you whispered, loud enough for him to only hear, “I couldn’t really find a way out.”

“The developers of the game must’ve made it hard for you. Maybe your character should’ve ran away,” he advised, “Or better yet, you should’ve killed him.”

“I-well, I don't think there were options like that.”

“Well if I were you and there was no option for killing, I’d run. Far, far away. Change my identity and all that.” he exits the game and stuffs the phone back in his pocket, you get a good look of his cat-like eyes and immediately feel a shiver on your spine with the next words he say, “I mean its a game but you wouldn’t wanna loose and get your character killed, right?”

“R-right.”

The teenage boy hops down without even saying goodbye and you have a scary realization that you can’t break it off like you originally had planned. You needed to run, run far as you can and get lost.

The words that the teenage boy says echoes in your head for the next few days, from that point on, realization dawns upon you that, nothing is certain now. You couldn’t trust anyone, you couldn’t let friends and family be involved in this. Sakusa Kiyoomi is a powerful man so you needed to be careful with how you were going to disappear.

You continue to act nonchalant and the same as you try to lay out your plan but you knew that you had only a week or so to complete this for it to successfully work.

Sakusa Kiyoomi wonders what he should do to save the relationship, he’s tried everything in the book that he could think of but you remained the same. Was this the end of the relationship? For real?

He could never stomach the idea of having you leave him.

It’s eerie that day, something felt different when he came home to an empty apartment. It looked the same yet something felt very, very different. Apparently the apartment guards said you were here since your car hadn’t left the driveway and they hadn’t seen you go out.

He checks out your side of the closet, your clothes remain there untouched and your toiletries were there too. He scans the fridge for your notes but nothing is stuck there. He suddenly feels like something cold was dumped on him.

It couldn’t be, right?

Right?

He runs to every room, checking every nook and cranny and when he finally reaches the last room which was the bathroom, nothing is there.

Everything was in its place except you.

Where were you?

Your bank account remains untouched, your wallet and phone was left in the apartment. It was as if you were returning home, the very least. Komori tells him to calm down, saying that they’re letting the best people find you around the city, they don’t rule out that someone might’ve had the audacity to touch you.

Whoever took you would be given hell to pay, that’s for sure. Was it the triad? Kkangpae’s? Or opposing yakuza’s? Oh, they’ll definitely have their heads on the platter if they tried to harm a single hair on your head.

Sakusa doesn’t even hesitate to notify the police about you already despite the memorandum that twenty-four hours is needed to consider a person missing, it's nothing a little money can fix.

“I hope we find her soon.” Your aunt sighed, “I’ve notified her parents about it. It’s definitely weird that she’d leave all her valuables behind.”

Hinata and Natsu sit there next to their mom, completely sad and worried, “I’ve hired the best people for it already, obaasan. We’ll find Y/N.” Sakusa replies yet his thoughts are in a complete frenzy now.

And find you they did.

No stone was left unturned. He made sure of it. Yet after a month of relentless searching. Nothing came up, it seemed like you had just vanished and Sakusa Kiyoomi had turned the whole underground world upside down for you but nothing came up.

Some say that you disappeared and ran away but that was immediately ruled out, no security cameras saw you in and out during that day and it would be impossible for you to just leave without security cameras on you. The guard had exclaimed that despite the blackout that day, the generators only took a few minutes to power up so they’d definitely catch you on camera in case you ever exited the building (along with the guards since they knew exactly what you looked liked) plus the clothes and such were still there, left untouched.

Some said you died, it was definitely impossible for you to just vanish without a single trace after all since everyone was looking for you.

Yet no one dared to say it in front of the boss, not if they valued their life.

The billionaire had dried out his connections to find you. What good was it to be the most powerful and richest man in the country if he couldn’t find you? Life had no meaning now, you were gone. It felt like a part of him was ceasing to function.

Sakusa Kiyoomi was a dead man walking now.

Unknown to the whole world, you’re in a small town with little to no signal. Your hair is chopped unevenly and your skin is darker from the repeated exposure under the sun, your life is simple and mundane now yet you’re happy.

For the first time in months, you actually felt free.

You shut your eyes tight, the events that transpired this past few months replayed  in your head. Your escape was definitely done as carefully as you can and you didn’t even know if you’d succeed since you weren’t a master in that sort of thing.

You recalled that it was a week before you ran away, a few days after you met that kid in the bus. Someone from the electric company had come to inform you that there was a scheduled black out in the city that day during the afternoon and you felt something bubble up in you. That was the day you’d put your plan into motion.

You knew that the longer you delayed your plan, the harder it would be to escape.

You had a few minutes to actually put your plan to work. The camera’s on the hallways would cease to function for a few minutes according to the guard downstairs as he did a protocol on the building (apparently the generators were quick). So that morning after Sakusa left, you placed only a few clothes and the stash of money you had been carefully hiding in a garbage bag and chopped your hair short in an uneven manner. Burning all the remaining hair on the fireplace and the black hair color that you use with it. The maid uniform that you stole on your floor and a fake name plate that you made was on and you were good to go.

The minute the black out started, you took the garbage bag and walked out. Taking the stairway used by the caretakers, you made sure to just look down and never directly up at the camera’s pretending to work.

When you finally made it out of your building. You let out a stiff sigh and put down the bag, it was only the beginning. If you thought the same way as Sakusa Kiyoomi, you could only imagine that you needed to be more careful from this point on.

You take the newly bought duffel bag that you strategically hid behind some boxes. Thankfully when you had placed it yesterday afternoon, it hadn’t been touched. 

You put on a pair of shorts and a baggy shirt with cheap shades and stuffed the maid uniform in the duffel bag along with your belongings in the garbage bag. You take the other route that led to the busy streets. It was easy to look like a tourist and seemingly blend in the crowd, from that point on, you only had one destination in mind.

When you were younger, you vividly remember an acquaintance telling you about this small town outside of Tokyo where her grandparents were from. It was only an hour away via plane and when you went down another few hours via bus yet if you took the bus route all in all, it would take a few days.

Since it was far, only a few busses actually went there and since you had to leave within the day, you decided to just take the bus nearest to that town and take another bus when you arrived there.

The plan smooth-sailed from that point on.

Except for one minor detail.

You open your eyes and look down at your now small bump. The monster who almost had you trapped left a parting gift, you grip your garden hoe tightly.

A big part of you wanted to kill it.

Yet every time you try to, you hesitate.

The moment you arrived here, you had to pretend to be a weary and poor widow. You just didn’t expect to be a weary and poor expecting widow. You let out an uncharted sigh at the thought, it was hard enough to be alone here with little to no money. 

This child had the demon’s blood in it.

Yes, you may have gone free from his cage but in truth with his seed growing in your stomach day by day, you started to feel quite the opposite.

taglist [thanks for your support ilyasm skkss im so sorry for updating late too :(]

@maraudusk ;; @iamnotobsessed  ;;  @ssuna ;; @weebartistinc ;; @aomineavenue ;; @tsukkismamagucci ;; @onlyshinji ;; @ichiraku-verse ;; @watevermelon ;; @victoriasee ;;  @caramelcandescence ;; @n-nara ;; @bloody-bella ;; @ricefarmerkita​ ;; @paripedia ;; @srhlsx ;; @craftyfawns ;; @kepchups ;; @soggycardboardd ;;  @vinnieluv ;; @dinablossom ;; @yourstruly-01 ;; @shinhiromi ;; @dinablossom ;; @kneecotinee ;;  @vicassa ;; @ahoeforshouto ;; @benimarus-main-mop​ ;; @atsunakaashi​ ;; @myaaa-xoxoxox​ ;;  @newfriendjen​​ ;; @usedcoupon​

@kn0xiousnight  

[can’t tag you guys uwu just make sure ur tags are open :<]

[himbokkun]

pairing: kuroo tetsurou x fem!reader wordcount: 1.5k warnings: mainly angst, but there's smut too, alcohol use, petnames (baby, kitten, sweetheart, angel), nipple play and praise for a sec and that's it ig a/n: haha definitely this wasn't based on true events haha i'm totally not coping with writing. anyways this is my first time ever writing a fic?? and i literally wrote this at 4 am while i was almost drunk. so not proofread. sorry if there are typos or shit that doesn't make sense. i will read when i wake up but i'm just too excited to post??? enjoy AND DON'T FORGET TO GIVE ME FEEDBACK<3

kuroo sent you a text. “babe when you leave work go to my place okay missed you!’’ you love kuroo. you know you love him. but the thing is this scares you. how much you love him, how much you depend on him. it’s scary for you because it is too much. he’s too nice to you. he always tries to be the best even though he already is. he makes you the happiest. he gives you everything he can. at the back of your head you always think that you don’t deserve him, his kindness, his support.

you’re scared. not because love is scary. it’s because loving him is too easy. he makes it too easy but love has never been this easy for you. your relationship with him is too good to be true. that’s why you always think he’s gonna leave you. he’ll get tired of dealing with you. he’ll get sick of you doing nothing. whenever you have a breakdown he’ll think you’re weird. he won’t understand how you deal with things and eventually, he’ll leave. or one day he’ll realize he never loved you and he will leave. in every scenario, he leaves. and you won’t be able to stop him. you won’t be able to make him love you again. and you know that you can't heal from that. you’re scared of getting more attached than you already are. that’s why you’ll leave him first. you’ll leave before he can. but you wanna feel him. you wanna feel his touch, wanna enjoy being in his presence one last time. because he makes you feel good. he always makes you feel the best. and you want that one more time. you reply. “okay, i’ll wait you at your place.’’ so you did. you went to his place. wearing the lingerie he bought for you. and you waited. when he came home, you felt your heart breaking. he was so excited to see you. you engraved his bright smile to your mind. the smile that made your day.. the thought of never being able to see that smile again made your heart clench. but it needed to be done. for the better. and when he kissed you with all the passion he has, you felt guilty. there were so many times you felt that way through the night. and this was one of them. he asked you “baby, is everything alright?’’ you nodded. “sorry, i just felt like i needed to ask. i’m glad everything’s okay.’' and he smiled and kissed you again. you felt the guilt again. you both talked about your days while drinking wine. after both of you got a little tipsy at the couch, his hands started to move around your sides while he kissed you. he placed you in his lap. you pulled his hair while kissing him, eliciting the most sinful moan out of him. he whispered “i fucking love you” into your mouth, choking on his breath. and that alone would be enough to make you wet. he really is so pretty like this. desperate for your touch, lust and admiration in his eyes, all yours. you felt guilty again. because only you knew this was the last time he’ll feel you like this. he gets loud when he drinks, you knew that. but still you were surprised how loud the moan that came out of his mouth when you started grinding. and this made you wanting more. still grinding on now his hard cock, you moaned “tetsu –nrgh ah. j-just fuck me already.’' he chuckled. “okay. let’s get you to the bedroom first, hm?’’ “no. no, i can’t- want you to fuck me here.” you said. “feeling needy today, huh, kitten?’’ you nodded while kissing and biting his neck, giving him bruises. after all, you wanted to feel him more, one last time, right. but giving him marks was evil. it felt like you gave him a reminder of this night, of you leaving. you felt guilty, once again. he lifted you off of his lap so he could unzip his pants. you were lazily kissing him while undoing his shirts buttons. after you were done undressing him, he undressed you in a minute. he touched your sensitive cunt. “you’re already so wet for me sweetheart.’’ you blushed at his comment. he pumped two of his fingers in your pussy, earning a moan from you. “tetsu- wait, stop. i don’t need stretch. just fuck me. please.’’ you said. he looked confused. ‘’whatever you say, kitten.’’ and with that he removed his fingers and licked them. you looked at him weirdly and he said “what? you taste good. can’t i taste my pretty kitten?’’ not being able to form a thought, you only moaned. he moved his now shiny lips to your tits. kissing one and groping the other. “hm? is it that bad if i wanna taste my baby, when she’s all wet for me?’’ he said. you once again, moaned. he bited your nipple while pinching the other. you were growing impatient. pulling his hair you said “are you gonna fuck me or do i need to do that all by myself?’’ “ooh someone’s impatient.

why don’t you do the latter?’’ “oh. i will.’’ with that you put his leaky tip inside of you. earning a groan from him. you began to take his length in. “ yeah that’s my kitten. taking me so well.’’ he praised. after you took all of his length, you waited for him to thrust. he didn’t. so you slowly began to ride him. holding onto his shoulders for support. your agonizingly slow pace made him impatient. wrapping one arm around your waist, other on your back, burying his face on your chest, he controlled the thrusts. you hold his face that was at your chest with both of your arms. you two were holding onto each other. with this position, it almost looked like you two were hugging each other. his thrusts got faster. you pulled his hair and he looked up to you. “tet- tetsu, fuck, i’m so close.’’ you said. he replied, speaking through his teeth “oh yeah? why don’t you come for me then? come all around this dick, huh? you can do that for me, right?’’ with his words you climaxed. your insides squeezing him made him orgasm as well. kissing your forehead he moved you off of his lap. you bursted into tears after some time he got blankets around both of you. you two stayed like that for a minute. “let’s get you clean- woah hey, hey angel? what’s wrong? did i hurt you? tell me, what’s wrong?’’ he said moving his hand to your cheek. you thought about if you should tell him you were gonna leave right now for a minute, still leaning for his touch. and decided it would be the best to tell him now. “tetsu, i’m sorry. i can’t do this anymore.” you said. “y/n? why are you saying this out of nowhere? we were just having a good time, what’s going on?’’ he replied. “i just can’t do this. i’m sorry. you can do much better. i can’t always feel like i’m holding you back from the stuff you wanna do. i can’t always feel like i owe you for loving me. i can’t just sit and wait for you to break my heart. i can’t-’’ “so you’ll leave? over something that didn’t even happen?’’ he cut you off. he looked hurt. you couldn’t answer him. with glossy eyes, choking back on a tear he said “you know, it’s not fair that you were the only one knowing this was the last time i’ll ever touch you.’’ you couldn’t answer him, again. you just cried more. “i’m sorry, tetsu. i fucking hate seeing you like this. i hate to see your heartbreak.’’ you said, crying still. you continued “i know i’ve said i wouldn’t let my past affect my relationship with you. but i failed. i love you and i’m sorry for letting you down like this. i’ll always remember you good. i hope you can too. you’ll always have a special place in my heart. i wish you the best this world can ever give.’’ “y/n, it seems like you’ve already made up your mind. so all i’m gonna say is i love you. i always have, i always will. i hope you’ll be with someone who’ll love you more than me. so that you never doubt their love and actually be happy with them.’’ he replied. you both cried, not looking at each other. you dressed and grabbed your stuff. with red, puffy eyes and rough voice he said “don’t worry about your stuff. i’ll drop them by your house tomorrow.’’ you thanked him. he walked you to the door and opened it for you. “be careful okay, it’s kinda late now.’’ he said. “yeah i will, thanks.’’ you two awkwardly stood at the door frame for a moment. you should’ve leave right then. but you didn’t. instead you hugged him. you wanted to feel his warm hugs one last time. you wanted to feel safe in his arms, just one more time. he hugged you back, he held you as long as he can. you whispered “i’m sorry.’’ to his chest, not knowing if he even heard it. you pulled apart after some time. he patted your back. you looked at him once more, burying his image into your mind. “so. this is it, huh.’’ he said. “yeah.’’ “goodbye, y/n l/n.’’ “goodbye, kuroo tetsurou.’’

[onceuponaloonatic]

hehe a little follow up to what i posted yesterday because i know your all curious :)

tw: abuse, jail, cursing, etc...

After her labor, Sana is exhausted. She wonders how people do this more than once and briefly wonders how her own mother had given birth to her. Sana had been an even longer labor than Nico was, her Aunt had told her her mother was in labor with her for more than thirty six hours. Sana had no idea how she was able to even get through that.

Her mother. Sana hadn’t thought about her in a while. The thought usually associated with Sana’s parents briefly crossed her mind. When were they getting out? The release date initially set for her parents had been very tentative, but Sana remembers it was still about five years from now. That was a bit scary. In five years her parents would be free again, for the first time since she was a scared teenager. She had sent them three letters over the years. Once when she got into college, a second when decided to major in physics, and a third right before graduation where she gushed about Mina and Jihyo. She never had the courage to go visit them. She supposed she might have if any of her letters had ever been returned, but Sana had long given up the hope of a return letter. It had been nearly twenty years, she wasn’t even sure if her parents even remembered those letters anymore. Mina and Jihyo interrupt her thoughts before she can think about her parents too much. They are both worried about her, asking her if she needs anything or if there was anything they could do for her. They tell her all of their friends were crowded around the window with all the newborns trying desperately to see their baby and probably making a huge scene and that makes Sana laugh. Because she could picture that so vividly, her friends all crowded around a glass display, probably pushing each other and being loud and obnoxious and not even realizing it. That was just how her friends, her real family, were. Sana couldn’t help but smile as she remembered that. Her parents hadn’t been her family in a long time, but she had found a much much better one. It would have been nice to let them meet Nico before the doctors stole her away from intubation, but Sana knew she had no control over that. “Did you get any pictures?” Sana asked the two of them. They had both followed the doctors out with Nico, letting Sana rest for a bit while they watched the baby. “A couple. The doctor let us take a few before they connected her to all of the machines.” Jihyo tries to keep things light, both she and Mina knew all too well that Sana was probably blaming herself for Nico being born early. “Wanna see?” Sana nods eagerly, scooting over a bit in her hospital bed so Jihyo could sit down next to her. “She looks so red.” Sana giggled as she swiped through the pictures. Jihyo had done a pretty good job with them. “Like a little tomato.” “Hey well she is our little tomato.” Mina giggled as she got on Sana’s other side, kissing her head as she wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “The doctors said that was normal and her skin would be normal soon.”

“That’s good.” Sana hummed. “Was she behaving?” “She was being a little fussy earlier though, wouldn’t stop wiggling around as the doctors connected her to the heart rate monitor and tubes.” Jihyo kissed Sana’s shoulder. Sana continues to scroll, both of her wives falling silent as she did. “Did- did they say anything about when she could come home?” Sana stops when she sees a picture with wires connected to their baby. Insecurities bubbled over and tears welled up in Sana’s eyes as she thought about Nico struggling. “They said around Christmas if everything goes well.” Jihyo answered, taking her phone back and putting it in her pocket.

“Was there- was there anything wrong with her?” Mina and Jihyo are both quiet at Sana’s question. Of course they want to tell their wife the truth, but that was hard when they knew it would only hurt Sana. “Please tell me.” Sana begs when she notices their silence. “It’s-it’s her lungs.” Jihyo sighs. “They said she’s probably going to have breathing problems her entire life. Something about them not developing properly and that it was normal for preemies.” That word slipped off of Jihyo’s tongue so easily it almost scared Sana. Preemie. Their daughter was a preemie. “But they also said they aren’t fatal or anything.” Mina rubbed Sana’s shoulder. “They said she will be able to live a mostly normal life.” “That’s good.” Sana sighed. “Can you send me the pictures? I want to send them to my Aunt.” “Yeah sure.” Jihyo smiled at Sana. “Done.” Sana looked around for her phone at Jihyo’s response and it was only then it dawned on her it was gone. “Do you guys have my phone?” Sana asked. “No.” Mina nodded. “I don’t either. I’ll check the hospital bag though.” Their hospital bag had been very hastily thrown together. They would have assembled a real one if it weren’t for the fact that Sana’s labor was so sudden. Because it was, they spent barely a minute just throwing random things in a duffle bag. There were some random hoodies, a change of clothes for Sana, and a couple phone chargers. That was all Mina could manage to get in with the time pressure they had been on. “It’s not here babe.” Jihyo sighed. “Did you leave it at home?” “I think so.” Sana sighed. “I can go get it for you.” Mina kissed Sana’s temple, noticing her stress. “No, it’s not that urgent.” Sana nodded. “I can wait until tomorrow.” “Are you sure?” Mina asks. “Yeah.” Sana pulled her down until a kiss. “Everything I need is here in this hospital.”

xx

Sana is discharged the next morning, but under strict instructions not to move around much. She grumbles about how they don’t have to worry about it, she barely can move as it is. The hospital gives them a wheelchair for her to go home in, but when they get home Sana insists on being carried by Jihyo who giggles and lifts her up slowly. Jihyo had been Momo’s gym buddy for years, as she was the only one who didn’t know Momo well enough to say no when she asked. Jihyo remembers when she told Mina and Sana about it and both of them told her she had made a mistake. They told her that Momo’s workouts were always so hard and took so long that they weren’t worth it. Jihyo ended up still going though, and she found herself getting used to it over time. Jihyo situates her in bed before leaving to take a shower. Mina begins to prepare lunch once she’s sure Sana is comfortable and Sana grabs her phone. She’s still in a bit of a weird headspace. It was weird to not have her daughter pushing at her back or kicking her anymore. It was weird to know her daughter was in the world miles from home. It was weird to think she had a daughter now. A living breathing daughter, that was no longer just a mass of cells inside of her. It was weird knowing she was someone’s mother now.

Sana finds her phone on the nightstand. She makes Jihyo hand it to her before she begins to shower and Sana realizes she has quite a few messages. Most of them are from her friends, and it makes her so happy to read them.

from that annoying bitch

Yesterday 11:56 PM

i know i didn’t get to see you today but i just wanted to make sure you were okay. mina and hyo say you're fine but i promised my mom i would make sure. i’m really happy for you and your daughter is so cute which is honestly surprising considering who her mom is. mina and hyo said we can meet her around christmas and i think nayeon might have put it in her phone calendar, just a warning my wife can be crazy with babies :p

Sana couldn’t help but roll her eyes at Momo’s text. Of course that was what Momo said.

to that annoying bitch

Just now

i left my phone at home, sorry lol. i’m pretty sore but i just got home. you can tell auntie i’m fine and that i’ll send some pictures of nico over in a bit. thanks for checking in, i knew you loved me ;)

from that annoying bitch

Just now

sorry but you know i never have. your just all weird from the post pregnancy

hormones :p

to that annoying bitch

Just now

you’ll admit it one day, mommy knows you're a good girl momoring ;)

from that annoying bitch

Just now

shut up i hate you so much :p do i have to deal with mommy jokes from now on?

to that annoying bitch

Just now

well considering i was making them before and i wasn’t a mom then, yes :p

from that annoying bitch

Just now

i cannot stand you

to that annoying bitch

Just now

your just annoyed i’m a milf and your not :p

from that annoying bitch

Just now

you are insufferable

Sana giggled at that. Her and Momo had always been the same and it was something really appreciated. It may have sounded like they hated each other, but truthfully they loved each other a lot. They were like twins. Sana and Momo. Momo and Sana. It had always, and would always be the two of them. Sana had never had a biological sister, but Momo was by far the closest thing she was ever going to get. She decides to start going through some other messages after she decided she had messed with Momo enough. from momo’s hot wife

Yesterday 12:05 am

send me baby pics

this isn’t a request it’s a demand

i need nico pics now

to momo’s hot wife

Just now

sorry i left my phone at home here

[image sent]

from momo’s hot wife

Just now

OH MY GOD I’M IN LOVE SHE’S SO CUTE BRB I’M GOING TO THE HOSPITAL TO STEAL HER

to momo’s hot wife

Just now

okay but after you steal her i’m coming to take her back :p

While waiting for Nayeon to respond she went through her other messages. They were mainly just congrats texts with a few worried ones, just as Sana was expecting. What she wasn’t expecting was the one from her Aunt. from auntie

two days ago

hey sana, it’s been a while :) i hope the pregnancy is going okay and i can’t wait to meet my granddaughter. just to let you know so you don’t have to find out through someone else… they set your parents' release date today. it’s set for november three years from now. i can go get them from jail, so you don’t have to worry about picking them up. i talked to your mom today and they plan on getting an apartment right after getting out right outside of seoul. i just thought it would be good for you to know. i love you and can’t wait to see you at christmas!

Reading that text made Sana feel like she was going to be sick. They set her parents' release date? Her parents were going to be coming back? To Seoul? The thought of that made her feel like she was going to be sick.

[hurricanery]

If You Went Away - pt. 3

A/N: Hi! Sorry for the delay but here’s part 3! You can read the previous parts here:

part 1 // part 2

Thanks so much for the feedback on this- I get nervous when I post this story because it’s kinda a downer. This chapter especially. But things will slowly turn around! Scout will be more involved in the next chapter :)

_______

(present day)

Halloween isn’t a scary holiday. In fact it’s one of Amelia’s favorites. In her younger days, she’d take all of the opportunity to celebrate in more rowdy ways. But even after some lifestyle changes, she still finds purpose in the holiday. Specifically with dressing up, trick-or-treating with Scout, and sharing a twix bar at the end of the day. Amelia and Scout had that in common, it was both of their favorite candy. And they made a tradition out of sharing. Every year Scout would drag his parents around the neighborhood on a mission, until finally a twix bar would land into his bag, and then it was officially time to go home. And the first thing he would do when they arrived home was rip open that twix bar and hand half of it over to Amelia.

This halloween is different, though. This year it is scary, and uncertain. And if Amelia properly admits it to herself, maybe it’s even lonely.

It’s 7am and she has a 14 hour surgery ahead of her. Today is the day. The one she has been preparing for over the last month. Today’s the day she removes one of the largest spinal cord tumors she has ever seen. And she has to do it flawlessly. Because the spinal cord tumor belongs to a 17-year-old boy.

Amelia places her bag down in the attending’s lounge, pulling her phone out one final time to check her messages before she heads to scrub in. A text message lights up her screen from Link.

There are no words in the message, just a picture attached, and Amelia’s heart sinks at the image. Link has sent her a picture of Scout, all dressed up in his halloween costume. They are presumably on their way to school, for his kindergarten class party. This year he’s gone as his favorite baseball player. Amelia can’t remember the name of his current favorite player, because it changes constantly. But, he’s smiling wide, ear-to-ear in the picture. He has Link’s smile, almost identical. Amelia feels her eyes sting but she ignores it.

She wishes she could be there. With her boy. But Amelia is here. All alone. About to perform an impossible task.

_______

14.5 hours later and Amelia feels completely numb. Almost in a shell-shocked trance as she leaves the hospital. She’s completely on autopilot as she drives her car.

She’s been staying at the hospital, or at Meredith’s almost every night for the last month. Mostly in preparation for the surgery. But in part because she’s been avoiding sleeping at home. So it’s totally perplexing to her that she’s currently pulling up her own driveway. Walking into a house she hasn't properly stayed in for weeks.

It feels foreign to her, entering the house. And she even questions the action of hanging her keys up by the door. It’s late and the house is quiet, but she can hear some shuffling around upstairs. In a daze, she follows the sound, heading up the stairs numbly.

When she reaches their room, Link jumps, dropping the laundry he’d been putting away.

“Shit, Amelia,” he breathes, clutching his chest. “You scared me. I didn’t even hear you come in.”

It’s like his brain is catching up as he watches her pause in the doorway.

“You’re….” he frowns, confused. “You’re here. I wasn’t expecting you-”

Amelia drops her bag on the ground harshly. Then begins removing her jacket and ankle boots. Link watches her as she crosses the room to sit in the arm chair in the corner. She hasn’t made any eye contact yet and it concerns Link a little bit.

“Are you….okay?” He tries.

She stares at the floor numbly and Link walks forward, towards her. When he almost gets too close, her eyes finally snap up to his. Link halts in his spot. Her eyes look glassy, like she’s holding back tears. And then it clicks for Link. The surgery.

“Amelia….”

It’s almost as if the way he says her name is what makes the first few tears fall. Whatever the cause, the unwelcome tears are rolling down her cheeks. She tries to blink them away.

“I’m so sorry,” he mumbles, assuming she’d lost her patient earlier. “You did everything you could, Amelia….it was an impossible case. You had to try, you had to-”

And with that Amelia looks at him again, and it makes Link stop mid-sentence. In a completely desensitized tone, she speaks into the space between them. “He lived.”

Link’s brows furrow in bewilderment. She’s been preparing for this surgery for over a month. Usually she’d be over the moon about this sort of outcome.

“He lived,” she repeats, unfeeling. “And….and I didn’t even paralyze that boy, I-” She’s cut off by her own sudden laughter and Link grows even more perplexed at her bizarre outburst.

“I don’t even remember deciding to come here,” she laughs, a stark contrast to her glassy eyes and damp cheeks. “I think I came here by accident. But here I am….”

She trails off, taking a moment to glance around the room that she hasn’t occupied in some time now. Her eyes land on something and Link watches her focus. He follows her gaze until it lands on Amelia’s bedside table.

“Oh,” he mutters. “That’s for you.”

He reaches for the twix bar on the bedside table, handing it to her.

“Scout wanted to split it with you, of course-”

She takes the candy from him, examining the opened package. One half remains. Her half.

“He’s asleep now,” Link explains. “I told him I’d make sure you got it, but, to be honest….I didn’t think I’d actually see you….” He trails off as he takes in her dejected appearance.

“You don’t have to have it, right now….” Link mumbles, watching as Amelia sucks in a shaky breath. “Amelia….what’s going on? I’m not sure….did I upset you? Did something happen?”

She looks up at him, and tries to smile through her dismay. “I’m sorry. I’ve just had a long day. I’m….not myself right now. I’ll go.” She gets up swiftly from the chair, reaching for her jacket.

“No, no,” Link walks forward, grabbing under her elbow. She flinches out of surprise at his touch, but then tries to suppress her reaction. He looks at her apologetically, but continues his previous motions, guiding her to their bed. “You should stay here. You just came out of a 14 hour surgery. Please, just sleep.”

Even though the look on her face is causing all sorts of concern, Link leaves her there. He crosses the room carefully. “I’ll sleep on the couch,” he says as he reaches for the door.

“Wait.” It’s so quiet he almost doesn’t hear it.

He glances at her, where she’s sitting on the edge of the bed, looking completely out of sorts.

“Link, please.�� She breathes, desperate. “I can’t be alone right now. Please.”

And the look on her face makes Link think he’ll never be able to deny her anything ever again.

Before he can even respond she’s up on her feet, walking toward him with intention. It’s perplexing, but intentional all the same.

“Amelia, what are you-” his murmuring gets cut off as her cold hands slip around the back of his neck. She’s pulling him forward and moving backwards at the same time, until her back hits the recently closed bedroom door.

“Amelia, wait.” He attempts, but her face is getting dangerously close to his. He reluctantly lets out a sigh when her lips meet his neck. She’s kissing at him with purpose, her breathing sporadic. Link has no idea where it comes from. His mind feels like it’s moving in slow motion as he processes her actions.

His hands drop to her waist, ready to push her away. Ready to put a stop to this. But he’s not pushing her away. In fact he finds himself pulling her even closer. Squeezing frantically at her sides as she moves her mouth up, and up.

Until she actually bites down on his earlobe. And he moans.

She pulls away suddenly and Link actually feels relieved. Maybe they can stop whatever this is right now. Maybe this doesn’t have to happen.

Amelia takes a step back, holding his gaze with bloodshot and lustful eyes. Her hands move to the hem of her shirt before she’s lifting it off and letting it hit the floor.

“Amelia, wait,” he takes a step closer, trying to find the courage to stop her.

But then her hands are at the button on her jeans. She pops them open and they fall slightly loose around her waist.

“Amelia….”

She refutes the idea of any space between them then, grabbing his hands in hers, placing them on her hips, squeezing at his hands until he gets the hint.

He hesitantly slides her jeans down until they’re all the way off, leaving Amelia to step out of them, now clad in black lace underwear. Link groans. And Amelia sighs with content. She gets even closer if that’s possible, moving her hand between them. She bites her lip. Pleased to feel that Link is reacting to her.

“Amelia, we shouldn’t-” He’s cut short once again when she frames his face with her hands, kissing him hard. He doesn’t reciprocate right away, his brain feels like it’s going backwards from all the times his body doesn’t respond with what his brain is thinking.

She bites down gently but purposefully on his lower lip, and he opens his mouth to her in response, allowing for her eager tongue. He groans, despite himself, but manages to reach for her wrists, pulling them until his face is free of her hands.

She isn’t phased by his actions. She moves her fingers instead to the belt loops on his jeans, while her mouth remains on him, kissing his jaw and the length of his neck. She pulls and pulls and walks until her knees hit the edge of the bed.

And they’re right where she needs them to be. She scoots backwards until she’s laying on her back, pulling him down on top of her.

“Link,” she mumbles out. “Please. Please. Kiss me."

It comes out as a whine. And it’s simultaneously the most attractive yet desperate thing he’s ever heard.

He knows he shouldn’t be hearing it. But part of him wants to hear it more.

So he sucks down on her pulse point, and it causes her to groan.

"Please.” She repeats. “I need this.”

He lifts his head and his eyes focus on her face. She’s flushed and her breathing is out of control. He waits for her eyes to open. And when they do, his heart tightens. Because this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. This isn’t his Amelia.

This Amelia is sad and needy and desperate.

This isn’t how they do this.

Her eyes sting with moisture, and her voice cracks itself even more. “Link. Please. Just this once. Please. And then we can go back to how it’s supposed to be.”

He isn’t even sure anymore. How it’s supposed to be.

Amelia’s eyes shut close and her teeth clamp down on her bottom lip. She sucks in a breath as she feels his hands hover hesitantly over the hem of black lace.

“Amelia….”

“Please.”

“Amelia…” he repeats, his voice gentle and cautious. “This isn’t….right. This is-”

“What?” She retorts.

“Not like this,” he pleads with her. “This doesn’t feel-”

“You don’t….want me?” her voice is thin, almost a whisper, and Link looks into her eyes, searching.

“Of course I do, Amelia,” Link reaches with one hand to push a few strands of hair out of her face. “Just….not like this. Not-”

“Right, no. I get it.” She sounds bitter. Suddenly she’s shoving him away from her. Pushing passed him and standing up. She reaches for the nearest piece of clothing, Link’s oversized Mariners sweatshirt which is hanging off of the chair in the corner. She tosses it over her body and immediately it swallows her, long enough to rest just above her knees.

Link collapses back onto the bed in complete confusion, watching her as she steps into her slippers and moves towards the door.

“Where are you going?” He questions, bewildered at this turn of events.

“I’m going to Meredith’s,” she mutters, reaching the door. “I shouldn’t have even bothered coming here.”

“What?! Amelia, no. Just wait!”

His voice is raised in concern and Amelia glares back at him, sniffling and wiping at her eyes, rubbing away any evidence of her distress.

“Don’t follow after me,” she says pointedly. “I don’t want to wake Scout.”

Amelia doesn’t stick around to listen to anything else Link has to say. Whatever additional words he has are drowned out by the ringing in her ears. She hurries down the stairs and out the front door, grabbing her keys off of the hook as she goes.

Once she’s seated in her car, she pauses, collecting herself. Her hands grip the steering wheel and she exhales slowly, head dropping forward to rest against it. She focuses on breathing in and out, over and over again. Until the process frees up some space in her head.

She can’t bring herself to start the car. Instead she straightens up in her seat, her eyes focusing on their bedroom window as she glances up. Through the window, a light gets turned off, probably the lamp on Link’s bedside table. The room goes dark and Amelia glances away. 

Minutes pass by. Close to twenty or so, maybe even a half hour, but Amelia can’t truly tell. She doesn’t remember deciding to get out of the car. It’s like her body is moving on it’s own accord again.

The next thing she knows, she’s up and out of the vehicle. Her feet carry her towards the front door and suddenly she’s re-entering the house. She doesn’t make a sound as she climbs the stairs, still considering the fact that Scout is asleep. She walks past his bedroom carefully and towards the end of the hall.

When she reaches their bedroom, it’s dark and quiet. Amelia shivers upon entrance, her body adjusting from the bitter outside temperature to the comforting warmth of the space. She sniffles involuntarily, a result of her decision to venture off outside in just a sweatshirt and slippers. The sound causes Link to stir, rolling over in bed to face her.

“Hello….?” He whispers into the darkness, barely comprehending that it’s her silhouette in the doorway.

She sniffles again, the action indicating more than just a consequence of the temperature outside. She feels tears roll down her cheeks again and she questions when she let herself start crying. Or maybe it was just that she never stopped.

“Amelia?” Link questions, his voice more firm this time. He leans over to his bedside table, switching the lamp on.

A dim light fills the room and Link immediately sits up in bed, frowning when his eyes adjust. Frowning because there’s Amelia, standing anxiously in the doorway, looking small and uncertain.

As soon as he makes eye contact, Amelia blinks away. She struggles momentarily to find her voice.

“I….” It comes out raspy. “I couldn’t leave. I-” She cuts herself off with her own bitter laugh and Link’s frown deepens at the sound of it.

“I don’t know why,” she adds. The silence of the room drives her into an over-explanation. “I’m just so tired, I’m sorry.”

She turns awkwardly in the doorway, not sure whether her next move is the couch or just straight back to her car.

“Wait,” Link’s voice effectively stops her from going anywhere. “Amelia, hold on a second.”

She turns back around, eyes apologetic at her own erratic behavior.

Link takes a moment to look at her, like he’s deciding something. He exhales with uncertainty before he finally speaks again.

“You should just….come to bed.”

She stares back at him blankly.

“Just come to bed,” he continues, patting the other side of the bed, her side of the bed, lazily as he collapses back down against his pillow. “You’re tired, come on.”

She hesitates only briefly, deciding that her exhaustion overrules her own stubbornness in this moment. She steps out of her slippers, crossing the floor and slowly lowering herself onto her side of the bed.

She lays stiffly, flat on her back looking up at the ceiling. She lets the sound of Link’s breathing be her focus. He’s laying with his back to her, facing the opposite wall. Amelia turns her head slightly to glance over at him, and it’s like Link can feel the small movement of it. Because the next thing Amelia hears is the low murmur of his voice.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” he mumbles. And Amelia has to second guess whether or not that’s what he actually said. But then he repeats himself sleepily.

“We’re just tired, it doesn’t have to mean anything.” He repeats, referring to their current situation. The fact that they’re sharing a bed.

Her heart aches at the reality of his words and she sucks in a harsh breath. This was all so stupid. She felt so stupid for totally falling apart in front of him. She’d let her guard down. Let herself be too vulnerable. And tomorrow morning she’d wake up and have to explain herself. And then try to go back to normal.

Her eyes sting at the idea of what’s normal for them now. She doesn’t realize that she’s lost control of her own breathing again until Link rolls over, facing her.

“Hey….” he sounds more awake than he did a minute ago.

“I’m sorry,” she mutters, instantly regretting it when she hears the evidence of crying in her own voice. “Just ignore me. You can sleep-”

She gets cut off when strong arms wrap around her. Link pulls her into his chest and it completely catches her off guard. Her voice gets lost the moment her face buries itself in his embrace.

It intoxicates her senses. The closeness. His comforting smell. And the way it feels to be completely engulfed by him.

It’s intoxicating and it’s overwhelming and she’s crying again. Harder than before. And her attempts to suppress her sobs are making it much, much worse.

Link squeezes her tighter, letting her cry. Somewhere deep down, he’s been waiting for this to happen. Amelia has been repressing her feelings for weeks straight, probably since he’d arrived home. And he knew it was a matter of time before she let it all come to the surface like this. All it took was an exhausting and highly emotional day to put her over the edge.

He runs his fingers through her hair comfortingly, as she cries into his chest. He stares straight ahead as he repeats the motion, deciding he’d stay like this all night, or until she fell asleep, if he had to.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” he repeats his words from earlier, numbly. He feels Amelia nod into his chest. And her subtle indication of agreement hurts him. Because although he’s grateful that she’s finally being vulnerable, he wishes the circumstances were different. He wishes that it did mean something. That it meant they could try to work through things.

He continues the repetitive motions of his fingers through her hair until he feels her breath even out against him. Determining that she’s fallen asleep, he carefully loosens his embrace. Gently, he rolls her body away from him, until she’s mostly occupying her side of the bed.

He stares at her face for a moment. Noticing how it doesn’t look all the way restful, even in sleep.

Then he swifty turns over, facing away from her. Shutting his eyes tightly, he tries to sleep.

//

[twstarchives]

Vil Schoenheit・Voice Lines

Additional Voice Lines: Scary Dress event card

School Uniform - R

Unlock Card “Every single one of you looks miserable. Where should I start disciplining you all?”

Groovy “Classes are still valuable lessons. Let’s try to enjoy them.”

Home Setting “Stop looking so sluggish. You should move with more of a bounce in your step.”

Home Transitions “I am the only one who can express myself. Even these designated uniforms are just tools I use for that.”

“If you’re going to dress yourself in Night Raven College’s uniform, I expect you to behave appropriately.”

“Isn’t that uniform too big on you? It’s unflattering to your figure if it’s not the right size.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “Would you like to run to the store with me? I’d like some fresh fruit, and I could also use someone to carry my bags.”

Home Taps “Oh, no, don’t tell me that’s cat hair on your uniform—oh, wait. It’s Grim’s, is it?”

“You have a question for me? Heheh, I don’t give out my secrets for free.”

“It’s natural to need to work hard so that you make up for what you lack. I have no sympathy for you.”

“You want to know my diet? What are you going to do with it if I told you? You won’t become beautiful just by eating like I do.”

“Enough, stop pulling on me. I don’t remember saying you could mend my clothes for me.”

PE Uniform - R

Unlock Card “I spare no effort if it’s for the sake of beauty.”

Groovy “Are you ready? My regimen is very intense.”

Home Setting “Now, let’s begin our training.”

Home Transitions “You should do everything you can to preserve your beauty. Are you going to come running with me?”

“Hah, I’m worried about getting sunburnt during our outdoors classes... I’ll have to ask Rook to put on my sunscreen for me.”

“Every once in a while, I come across idiots who believe they can win against me if they use their fists. Of course, the tables always turn against them.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “How long are you going to stay here? I’ve already finished my daily workout.”

Home Taps “It’s good to do some stretches right after you’ve taken a bath.”

“Physical strength is an important factor in becoming a great mage. Make sure you work your hardest.”

“Sweating helps you feel refreshed. It isn’t good for your beauty to bottle up stress.”

“It’s important for there to be an agreement between your clothes and your body. You need to be careful not to build muscles for no reason.”

“You should direct any questions you have to Epel instead of me. Flying seems to be that boy’s strong suit.”

Lab Coat - SR

Unlock Card “You want me to teach you about magic potions? Will you even be able to keep up?”

Groovy “I could make any potion you could ever dream of. Hehe, should I tell you my tricks?”

Home Setting “I even pull this lab coat off beautifully.”

Home Transitions “I’m very confident in potions. It's helpful to know so much about herbs when making smoothies as well. It’s up to you to take care of your own body.”

“You want me to help you with your work? I’m impressed with how strong your will to study is. But research on your own first before asking me.”

“Rook is in the science club. In exchange for helping me with the film studies club activities, I lend him a hand from time to time too.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “True beauty is determined by strong intellect. You can always doctor your looks, but your true colors will still shine through right away.”

Home Transition (Groovy) “Don’t I smell nice~? This is a perfume I concocted myself. It fits my image, doesn’t it?”

Home Taps “If you want to perfect your skill in pharmaceutics, then you need to have focus more than anything. It’s important to have a strong resolve to bring things to completion.”

“You can’t use magic, right? Then you should at least put all your effort into your studies.”

“I do my own cooking. I prefer to choose the nutrients my body needs.”

“You have wrinkles in your lab coat. Ironing is a must if you want to look polished.”

“Oh, you certainly seem to have a lot of free time. I’m not going to pity you if Crewel scolds you at your next exam.”

Home Tap (Groovy) “The ingredients I pick for my morning smoothies are always based on how I’m feeling health-wise that day. Hm? You want to know my recipes? That would take all day.”

Ceremony Robes - SR

Unlock Card “Being a student of Night Raven College is something you should be very proud of.”

Groovy “Don’t I look just as flawless in these ceremony robes as well?”

Home Setting “Chic clothing fits me well, doesn’t it?”

Home Transitions “Why are you so stiff...? Oh, are you nervous? You haven’t seen anything yet if you’re still getting nervous at school assemblies.”

“You shouldn’t strive to be like me. Try pushing yourself as hard as you can while keeping your experience level in mind.”

“Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. I wouldn’t mind you staring at me so mesmerized for a little longer.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “A mysterious makeup look with a monotone finish goes best with this unique outerwear. If the makeup doesn’t match the outfit, then your clothes are going to outshine you.”

Home Transition (Groovy) “The colors of our ceremony robes blend in nicely with the night. I don’t hate this deep and mysterious style.”

Home Taps “Just when I thought things were getting noisy... it’s you again. You’re always so full of energy. ...Hold on, that wasn’t a compliment.”

“Your figure is important with these ceremony robes. Tying this wide belt around your waist lets one show off an androgynous beauty.”

“You may not have magic, but you can still take care of your appearance, can’t you? It’s not an excuse to look sloppy.”

“At the entrance ceremony, I thought for certain you were going to get thrown out right away... But you seem to be adjusting to this academy.”

“I know you want me to entertain you, but I’m busy right now so can you wait until later?”

Home Tap (Groovy) “I like the ceremony robes. They have an eternal beauty that never goes out of style. You should be proud you get to wear them as well.”

Dorm Uniform - SSR

Unlock Card “Strength is what makes one beautiful. Allow me to present my power to you.”

“I presume you’re prepared to put your life on the line for the sake of beauty, yes?”

Groovy “Is it this uniform that’s captivated you? Or perhaps, is it me? Hehe.”

Home Setting “So? Do I look just like a queen?”

Home Transitions “What will you be off doing today? Would you mind helping with our shoot for the film studies club? I’m sure even you are capable of using the equipment.”

“The dorm leader’s work can be a lot to manage, but there is no person more suited for leading Pomefiore than me.”

“My skin has been on point lately. ...What? You want a closer look? It isn’t my fault if my beauty blinds you.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “The Ramshackle Dorm is just awful. It smells musty and there is dust everywhere. You do know the difference between “vintage” and “run-down,” right?”

Home Transition (Groovy) “Have you met our vice dorm leader yet? I have full trust in his insight. ...There are times his conduct may be odd, but I’m letting it pass as of now.”

Home Taps “The Pomefiore dorm leader’s crown was designed based on motifs the Queen was said to fancy. Take a look—it’s perfect for me, don’t you think?”

“I swear, I always catch Epel staring at me in complete silence... Hehe. He must have so much going through his head.”

“The freshmen this year are nothing but potatoes. None of them know how to improve themselves and it gets so frustrating to deal with.”

“You think I look good in this uniform? That’s only natural. The dorm leader is meant to flaunt it even more beautifully than the other students.”

“Yes, there is no doubt that my beauty would make anyone unconsciously want to reach out and touch it...”

Home Tap (Groovy) “You think I’m stoic? ...It’s true I hear that a lot. I’m simply focusing all my efforts towards my goals. Wouldn’t this be the obvious outcome?”

Duo Magic Vil: “Leona! I don’t need anyone dragging me down.” Leona: “Ha! Who do you think you’re talking to, Vil?”

Birthday Celebration Outfit - SSR

Unlock Card “Now, how are you going to celebrate for me?”

“It seems my birthday will be especially wild this year. Well, it is nice to go over the top every once in a while. Just behave yourself.”

Groovy “It’s completely unexpected that you would bring me so much joy. ...That is a compliment.”

Home Setting “This outfit stands out. Well, I’m used to having attention on me.”

Home Transitions “Leona gave me a pen, and it was out of ink. Was it too much of a chore to throw it out so he handed it off to me? ...It figures.”

“My father sends me postcards on my birthday. He travels all over the world, so every year I look forward to which country the pattern on it will be from.”

“Epel, Rook, and the rest of the film studies club put together an opera for me. It was clumsy, but not too bad.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “I’m beautiful as always today? Of course I am. But don’t think that I’m only trying hard because it’s my birthday. My beauty is flawless no matter what day it is.”

Home Transition (Groovy) “Sometimes, the energy you and Grim bring can be useful. Please keep it up and breathe some more life into the party.”

Home Taps “My birthday reminds me of the auroras. When Jack lived in my area, he told me the best spot to see them as a birthday gift.”

“I posted a thank-you picture on Magicam for all my fans who sent me birthday wishes. I need to show appreciation for their support.”

“There exists no magic that can stop you from aging. However, it’s up to you how you grow. I’m just constantly pursuing beauty that matches my age.”

“Lilia gave me shoelaces. They’re flat and seem hard to come untied. I think I’ll start using them right away for my jog tomorrow.”

“I heard your wishes to me the first time. If you want my attention that badly, why don’t you let me do your makeup? I’m curious how much it could transform you.”

Home Tap (Groovy) “Oh? Are you going to give me anything? Then list 100 things you find beautiful about me. Simple enough, right?”

Duo Magic Vil: “None of your schemes on my birthday, Azul.” Azul: “Of course. I wish you the best, Vil.”

Tutorial “Enough of that daydreaming. Let’s hurry up.”

Lv Up “Not bad. Let’s keep this up.”

“I’ve moved up a level higher, hm?”

“Don’t you think I’m someone worth dedicating yourself to?”

Max Lv Up “The fact that I can shine even brighter than I have before is because of your dedication, isn’t it? Heheh. Watch closely. I’ll show you I can be even more beautiful.”

Episode Lv Up “Hah. You’ve turned out nicely yourself. At this point, I’d even let you stand at my side.”

Magic Lv Up “Beautiful flowers are poisonous. But isn’t that just another one of their charms?”

Limit Break “My progress is far from over. I need to shine even brighter, even more beautifully than I do now.”

Groovy “Oh, I’m so sorry. Am I too dazzling for you now?”

Select Lesson “You’re only wasting time worrying. Please hurry up and pick.”

“You won’t rise to the top of this world if you lack intelligence. Study your hardest.”

“Neither our lectures in class nor the skills we learn firsthand must be taken lightly. Let’s put in all our effort.”

Lesson Start “Can you really afford to not pay attention?”

Lesson End “Well, that’s about it.”

Battle Start “Show me all you’ve got.”

Battle Win “This was the obvious result. You and I aren’t on the same level.”

Other

Profile Quote “Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all? Of course it is me, isn’t it?”

January 2020 Trailer “If you want to be beautiful, then you’ve got to do your very best at this academy.”

Countdown Poster “At this moment, who is the fairest of them all? ...Of course, it is me.”

Login Bonus “Neither beauty nor power can be achieved in a single day. It’s crucial that you persevere through everything that comes your way, but that’s the most difficult to do. I wonder how you will fare?”

Player Birthday Wish “It’s your birthday? Oh, dear, I completely forgot. Only joking. Don’t underestimate my memory. Of course I got everything ready. You should feel honored that I’m celebrating for you.”

Magic History

Good ★

“Trends come in and out.”

“You look half-asleep.”

“Competition brings one to the top.”

“What a beautiful dress.”

“This is more self-improvement.”

“The qualities of a king... hm...”

“Please sit up straight.”

“My makeup is still intact this afternoon.”

“Even great figures worked their hardest.”

Great ★★

“Naturally.”

“I enjoy reading.”

“Too easy.”

“Even my handwriting is beautiful.”

Perfect ★★★

“Didn’t lift a finger.”

“Perfect.”

“These are reasonable results.”

“There’s no way I wouldn’t get a perfect score.”

Special Lesson Perfect ★★★

“Oh, do you need something?”

“Please stay focused.”

“Not a problem.”

Flying

Good ★

“This is a nice workout.”

“If my hair’s a mess, my mind’s a mess.”

“Get me a hat, please.”

“Often reapply your sunscreen.”

“Just like a graceful raven.”

“Sound advice.”

“This is my after-meal workout.”

“Sunburns are my worst nightmare.”

“I’ve checked the new arrivals.”

Great ★★

“Staying hydrated.”

“So, what’s next?”

“Flexibility exercises are part of my daily routine.”

Perfect ★★★

“Elegant and graceful.”

“Beautiful? I know.”

“Just keep trying until you can do it.”

Special Lesson Perfect ★★★

“You’d like to see an example, wouldn’t you?”

“I feel someone’s eyes on me...!”

“Did I mesmerize you?”

Alchemy

Good ★

“Be quiet and concentrate.”

“Understand the materials we’re using.”

“Measure carefully.”

“Did you read the textbook?”

“A practical recipe.”

“Crewel has excellent taste.”

“This is making me smell like chemicals.”

“Eternal beauty...”

“Carefully...”

“This stench is making me lose my appetite.”

“Don’t lose focus.”

“There is no way I made any mistakes.”

“Done in the wink of an eye.”

“Looking sharp in these white clothes is a must.”

“That’s wrong.”

Great ★★

“It’s easy if you just follow the recipe.”

“I’m worth more than jewels.”

“Well done.”

“One cannot live without desire...”

“Unrusted gold... Just like me.”

Perfect ★★★

“What a snore-fest.”

“Brewing is one of my specialties.”

“There’s not a chance in a million I’d ever fail.”

“Gold used for more than just a crown...”

“The fact that I can do this much shouldn’t be a surprise to you.”

Special Lesson Perfect ★★★

“I can’t make any mistakes.”

“Stop talking to me right now.”

“You’re not done until you’ve reviewed everything.”

“Don’t rush anything.”

“This is what it means to work little by little everyday.”

[amarantine-amirite]

It's Not Up To You

I never once had any peace or rest. There was a persistent threat that resources and places would vanish without a trace. Even though I never got my ass handed to me daily, I could never anticipate when I would be able to catch my breath.  

I had to adapt. I had to be able to alter my expectations faster than the circumstances would change. It forced me to abandon having a set image of what I want in my mind. It took away my ability to visualize. I had to anticipate resources disappearing in the future, so I had a hard time with long-term planning.  

Going into the week, I had it all figured out. I had found an iron-clad way for me to have my cake and eat it too. It may not have been ideal, but at least I still had the resources available.

My mother planned to drive me to my piano concert. Because she had a stressful day at work yesterday, she went to the bar. She neither came home nor returned any of my calls, so I assumed she was either crazy hungover or still passed out. I now had to hitch a ride with Jackie and her sister, Henrietta.  

Henrietta drove like she had lead feet. “Uh, Ettie,” Jackie asked, “you just blew through a traffic light at” 

“Don’t tell me how fast I’m going; I need to know where I am!” she snapped. 

“Can we at least stop and get lunch?” I asked. I last ate at 7:00 AM. Bad things happen when I try to function on an empty stomach. My temper gets worse. My impulse control goes to Hell. I bounce off the walls.  

“Hell, no!” Henrietta snarled, “If we stop to eat, we’ll get stuck in a traffic snarl!”

“OK, what’s your problem?” I whined. I had no idea why Henrietta got so upset. 

Henrietta sighed angrily. “Do you wanna know why I’m so fucking pissed off?" she barked, "Those fuckers moved up my fucking interview by a fucking week. I was supposed to get married today! All that money I spent on the venue, the photographer, the catering; that’s money I’m never going to see again!” 

I don’t know how Henrietta could say that without bursting into tears. “And what about Jasper? He’s going to think I broke off the wedding because I don’t have feelings for him anymore. I’m worried. He doesn’t handle rejection well. What if he tries to kill himself again?” 

What happened next felt like being in the desert and coming upon an oasis, only to discover it’s a mirage. When we arrived at our destination, everything went up in smoke. Before we left, Henrietta told me that she would drop us off first, then head to the interview. She looked at us and said, “Nobody's leaving until I finish my interview. Understand?” 

I nodded. Inside, I wanted to smack her. Hard.

Today has been nothing but hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait. I fucking hate being jerked around like this. The constant stop-and-start made me feel like someone drained of my life force. I can’t deal with it anymore. 

Jackie and I came up with a plan. The plan was simple, like Henrietta’s would-be husband, Jasper. Unlike Jasper, the plan stood a chance of working. When they let her in to do the interview, Jackie and I would duck out and go to my piano concert. We’d come back when I finished my set, and that’d be that.

Problem. We made a huge tactical error. 

It’s a long story. At the beginning of the school year, the cheerleaders thought it would be funny to nominate Anna Rose, the head of the chess club, for prom queen as a joke. Anna didn’t know about this, but the principal did. On Halloween night, we got something really scary in our inboxes: an official email with the school's letterhead saying that due to “bullying", prom would be permanently cancelled until measurable snowfall in July. A lot of the anxieties that kids channel into what they’re going to do at their prom got redirected elsewhere. 

The kids at school got offended. By everything. Like, a lot.

Remember how I said that school has been so hard for me because I have no idea what to expect? Well, this piano concert thing was a perfect example. I had to make a list of not just one song, but for possible songs that I could play at this concert. I need to be ready to switch out songs in case the band teacher changed his mind. He always did stuff like that. One day, you could pick whatever song you wanted for school concerts, and the next, they would say that it had to come from a pre-approved list. So that meant I had no idea what song I was going to play. When people asked me, the best I could say was, "I’ve got a lineup." Lineup was not a good choice of words; a better choice of words would have been revolving door .

This brings us to our mistake: the same reason that I had to keep a revolving door of songs in my mind for the concert was also the same reason why we should have called the hotel where the concert was to be held ahead of time to double-check to see if the school had not cancelled it. We did not do that.

That brings us to right now. We are smack dab in the middle of what appears to be a campus recruitment event. Everyone in the room except for us is wearing cheap suits that fit somebody else, nobody looks familiar, and the atmosphere consists of a general air of anxiety and lack of preparedness.

Five minutes after we arrived, a woman wearing a pantsuit that made her look like a pool table, pineapple earrings, and a name tag that read “Megan Mulroney“ approached us. “Excuse me, ladies," she said, “are you students at The Fletcher School?”

“No, we go to Arthur Vandelay high school," Jackie said, “I’m here with Margaret because she’s got a piano concert to go to.” 

I stood up and looked at Megan. “So is that in the Gold room, because I got a copy of the flyer here and it says Hall B, and I don’t know where that is, and…”

Megan cut us off. “I don't know what you’re talking about,” she said.

I handed Megan the flyer. “I’m talking about this.”

She didn’t look at the flyer. She gave it right back to me. “I don’t know what you’re trying to pull here, but that’s a piece of blank paper." 

“It’s not blank!” I chirped. 

“Yes, it is; and I don’t appreciate you wasting my time like this.“

“We’re not wasting your time.”

“Well then, why am I dealing with two overdressed high school idiots when I have new grads to check in for a networking event?” she said, doing her best impression of a bratty 12-year-old.

“Why are you so stubborn?”

Megan shrugged at us and rolled her eyes in a cocky fashion. “I'm not stubborn all the time. I'm only stubborn when I’m right.” 

Big red flag. If someone says I'm only stubborn when I'm right , it means they're putting up a front, either because they don't want to but they're wrong or they're trying to bullshit you. 

She continued to puff herself out. “Listen, you’re not special. What happens to you happens to other people, too.”

“Not helpful,” I said as I rolled my eyes.  

She shrugged her shoulders. “Well, sorry you feel that way.”

“What does that even mean?” I blurted.  

She ignored us. Rather than explain what was going on, she instead attempted to have phone sex with Idris Elba and got the wrong number.

It didn’t stop there. One look out the window told me we’d have to get someone else to pick us up, as Henrietta got arrested. I’m guessing she found out that the job she applied for was posted as an April Fool’s Day joke and she either trashed the office or beat the crap out of the hiring manager. Based on the black eye, I think it was the second thing. 

Terrific. Now we have no plan, no ride home, and no idea what the fuck is supposed to happen next. 

I’m devastated. I feel gutted. But beyond that, I'm spooked.

This isn't something you'd consider typically scary. It felt like that last photo taken before a disaster. This looming sense that something catastrophic is coming down the pike continues to hang over me.

@writers-are-writers

[maskeddevera]

I’m going to write a line by line analysis about the Fjord and Jester scene from last night. I had a bad day earlier this week, and the whole episode yesterday made me so happy, and this scene was beautiful, so I’m going to gush about it a bit. This whole episode really turned my week around (with the caveat that I went to bed so missed the final monster introduction.)

First of all, to set the scene, Jester has been struggling (but playing it off) ever since the spell stole a few years of her life earlier in the day. Fjord has been struggling because he realizes he didn’t even try to do anything to protect her, and the spell took a lot, and it could have been so much worse. He goes to her door, I think, mostly to confess that he feels badly that he wasn’t there for her and also vaguely aware that he might share his fear that they might not get that chance to deal with his baggage.

[Fjord knocks on her door.]

JESTER: Hello?

Jester is surprised. They often have heartfelt conversations, but Fjord doesn’t usually visit her room.

FJORD: Um, I was really worried about you...when you fell.

He just comes out with it...here’s the main thing, it was scary to see her fall.

JESTER:  Yeah...

It was also scary for her, too.

[heavy eye contact]

FJORD:  This suddenly feels far more serious than I thought it might be.

I’m not sure if here he is talking here about visiting the north or initiating this conversation -- but either way, he laughs. He’s nervous.

JESTER:  I know. I can’t get the image out of my head...it’s scary.

Fjord gives Jester space to share. Like he said he would, he will listen to her. By initiating this conversation, she feels safe telling him that the image of the city that is haunting her.

FJORD:  What do you think will happen?

An open-ended question for Jester. Again, letting her share her thoughts and fears...wanting to know what she thinks.

JESTER:  I think if they bring it back, it will, um...it will absorb everything it can.

She sees the possibilities and how dangerous it could become.

JESTER [continued]: It felt like all of the people that lived there, like -- like they were part of the city now, like they could never escape. It felt like hell. It felt -- like torment.

She feels this so hard. It’s eating her up inside.

FJORD: And we have to stop it, right?

Fjord acknowledges that with that information they need to stop it--as a team, but you can see that he is still struggling with his concern for her.

JESTER:  Yeah.

FJORD: I -- I may have an, uh, a problem. Uh...

The problem is he loves Jester and is worried that he would lose her. The problem is he feels like he wasn’t there for her. The problem is he is so scared.

JESTER [softly]: What is it?

Suddenly Jester is focusing on him, worried about what Fjord’s problem might be.

FJORD [continued]: I saw you standing on that pillar, and -- it was the first time where I kept myself from trying to stop something that was happening to you, and I didn’t do anything, and it’s--it’s bothered me.

Fjord feels like he screwed up and let her down. He feels like he could have lost her because he hesitated. Like he could still lose her if he hesitates.

JESTER: You couldn’t have done anything, Fjord. It was in my head, you know?

Jester isn’t sure why he’s beating himself up about this one - he didn’t even know what was happening.

FJORD: Uh. Yes.

I just like how he whispers the “yes,” like he knows it isn’t rational, but he still feels it.

FJORD: I don’t want you to gamble with yourself. I--I know we were playing, and it didn’t seem like much, and--it seems to have exacted a pretty serious toll. All I’m saying is, I just--I want you to be careful as we do this--I don’t think we’ll be the spectators that we thought we might be.

Here it is. Why he truly came time. He doesn’t want her to endanger herself. It’s a constant of not wanting her to be hurt or worse. He is starting to realize that they are involved deeper than they thought that they would be.

JESTER: Okay.

She listens.

FJORD: I want to come out of this and be able to go back to the sea, and go back to Nicodranus, and go back to where it’s warm and not f*ckin’ freezing, and...

Here the dream is stated. The happy ending. The sea, Nicodranus...her home, he’s imagining them returning together. A happy ending for both of them.

JESTER: Me too.

She is nodding. Same page. They have talked about this before, being together in a calmer time and place...some day. He is encouraged by her agreement.

FJORD: I just don’t know if that’s--I don’t feel as optimistic now.

More fears laid on the table. Maybe they won’t get there.

JESTER: Me neither. But...I’ll try to be safe. And you should, too.

She worries about losing the happy ending as well. She worries about his safety as well. He smiles when she shows concern for him.

JESTER [continued]: But if it comes down to it, if -- if it means stopping that Thing...I want to stop That Thing.

This decision is so important for Jester, and I love this for her ongoing arc. I also just really like that both clerics have this quest now. #TeamClerics

FJORD: I told your mother I would look after you.

So what I love about this sentence is Fjord absolutely takes his promise to Marion Lavorre very seriously, but that’s not why he says this to Jester. Yes, I do think he sees it as a vow (I love all the meta takes I have seen floating around about this being one of Fjord’s first steps into paladin territory), but what he is really doing here is the Fjord thing in which he uses others as a proxy for his feelings. So when Jester says she might endanger herself for the greater good, and he implies that her mother would be devastated if he had to tell her that something had happened to Jester, mostly he is thinking about how he would be devastated if anything happened to Jester.

JESTER: We’ll be fine, Fjord. We always are.

Jester attempts to reassure him and re-establish how they are a team. You can tell he isn’t fully reassured. And then he says what he really meant when he said “I told your mother I would look after you...”

FJORD: I care very much for you.

His voice in this moment...so real. Notice he still doesn’t use the word love, a token bit of holding back, but love is what is coming from him, and she hears it.

JESTER:  Really?

Her trembling voice...all of the signs, and she thought maybe especially with recent events, but she wasn’t sure if she was reading into the gift and the eye contact and the pauses...she is so hopeful here. He nods, and takes a deep breath, and he just wants so badly to take the next step, but he is scared.

JESTER: Is it because I have chiseled cheekbones now?

She says this to break the moment because she feels his hesitation, and also because she’s self-conscious about what happened today. And it’s the best thing that can happen because when they are silly Fjord forgets to be all in his head and nervous.

FJORD: It’s the longer horns...

He’s joking, but also he always seems to find her strength to be the most attractive physical characteristic about her, so of course he picks the horns to compliment.

JESTER: Yeah, it really does it, doesn’t it?

FJORD: Yeah...gives you an intimidating look.

The truth is he was intimidated before the horns got longer. He wants to kiss her so much, so he pulls her in and asks...

FJORD [continued]:  Can I kiss you?

Jester is delighted. She thought even if she wasn’t imagining things that this wouldn’t come any time soon. She shyly nods her agreement, and they kiss. I like how he nods and smiles, too, before kissing her -- he’s so relieved that she said yes!

FJORD: I don’t-- I don’t know how this will go. But I can’t promise that I’m going to let you just throw yourself at this thing. I don’t think I can do that.

This confession--he has made it to her before in a different way. Fjord will support her up to the point in which she could get hurt or die, and no more. And I also like how he always frames this confession as somewhat selfish, although it isn’t, because part of the reasoning is that he needs her. Also I think he is holding her this whole time because he never says that he lets her go.

JESTER:  I don’t have an argument.

She is fine with him serving as her protector. She’s giddy. Maybe they kiss here quickly again? In any case...

JESTER: Kissing is a lot more fun when you’re not dying.

FJORD: Or, and, not when you’re underwater, drowning.

JESTER: Yeah, yeah...that’s what I mean.

FJORD: Umhmm.

After their first real kiss, they talk about their “other” first kiss - Fjord attempting to save her life. And we see here that while Jester previously wondered if it “counted” or not, it meant something to Fjord too and that he also saw it as a kiss, although it wasn’t the most ideal circumstance. And perhaps that is why they never spoke about it before, because it was easier to leave it in that nebulous area of maybe it meant something more.

JESTER: I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

While this statement works for Jester, giddy and flustered, I think it also works for Laura who 100% was not expecting any of this to happen in this session.

FJORD: I’ve wanted to do it for a while...I’m kind of a big coward.

And now that it’s out there, now that she let him kiss him, he feels like he can tell her about how his fears held him back.

JESTER:  No, Fjord, you’re very brave.

Jester will always support Fjord and hype him up.

FJORD: I am very brave, aren’t I?

Being brave is facing your fears.

JESTER: Umhm.

FJORD:  I feel a bit...better.

This is what love is. Things can still be dark but your loved one lifts you up. He looks at her to gauge how she feels.

JESTER:  Me too.

[FJORD & JESTER overlapping voices as they teasingly discuss whether they really have to fight this city.]

FJORD:  We can get cats and just flee...

As mentioned in my other post, I think Fjord is discussing acquiring moorbounders, not attempting to abscond with Caleb’s fey cats. Again, this dream is the one about them leaving it all behind together.

JESTER:  We have to fight it.

FJORD: All right. I’ll see you in the morning.

JESTER: Okay.

FJORD:  Goodnight.

JESTER: Goodnight, Fjord.

[Jester goes to hold her little unicorn, falling asleep holding it. Fjord doesn’t sleep much.]

I just love this final image -- Jester now certain that the unicorn figurine means what she hoped it meant (and hopefully not breaking it in the night). Fjord keyed up and turned on and thinking about the conversation over and over, because he surprised himself with his choices but it went well, better than he ever expected.

[dylanxmin]

painkiller ∣ 3 ∣ J.HS

breakups are habitual, ordinary maybe even easy for some other people, and maybe it could be easy for you, too, if you haven’t been dumped by your boyfriend after finding out that you were pregnant. no, it wasn’t easy even a bit. and a stranger who wants to be your side doesn’t make this all easy for you, at all.

pairing; jung hoseok x reader

genre; angst, fluff, humor, pregnancy au, strangers to lovers au, single!mom au, slice of life au,,

warnings; angst, swearings, mention of sexual intercourse, bratty taetae, bratty jimin bc why not:), y/n doesn’t like kids?, sorry but unedited:( 

word count; 11k+

rating; nc17

a/n; e-yooo? yeah, i take a long, loong break even without wanting it. but can I blame my life and all the thing I tried to handle? (and clearly failing lol),, well, i wasn’t suppose to post this episode now, but I pushed myself and tried to give it a chance and luckily, I finished this episode!! yey!! sorry for being the worst writer ever on this site, but pls don’t hate me, lol. sooo maybe feedbacks?,, love y’all, thanks for reading it!! ♡

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Jung Hoseok is the man of hope. He and everybody knows it. But are they okay with this? Maybe most of his friends and family members were okay with this but among them, Kim Seokjin didn't like how he always tried to be helpful and all. He wouldn't have any problems with Hoseok being like that unless he wasn't all over you. Hoseok never admits it, but he knows it. Unfortunately, he knew him well enough to understand how he feels from scanning his acts and looks around you. And Seokjin will do the best thing by opening the topic of you in front of his other friends because then, he would have nowhere to hide. 

''Well, I don't know that but I'm saying this. That woman hates me.'' Jungkook let out a big sigh, the sight of the red-haired middle-aged teacher scaring the hell out of him, sending shivers to his neck. He wasn't the smartest one to figure out things easily, but he knew it. Maybe the way she sizes him up bleakly, or the way her mouth crinkles in disgust. Or maybe even the way she calls his name like she was spitting. Jungkook was sure, his teacher was hating him. ''I'll never graduate because of her...'' 

''Okay, first of all, stop being all gloomy about this and think.'' Jimin snaps his fingers before continuing to talk, ''maybe there is one other way to get on well with her,'' 

''Oh my god. Shut that filthy mouth of yours!'' Jungkook covers his ear, physically abhors from what his friend just implied. ''I would never do... that,'' 

''Jungkook you know who is not going to work as a nurse in a hospital?'' Jin tilts his brows, secretly pitying the boy who has red cheeks in front of him. ''perverts like him,'' 

''Oh, c'mon,'' Jimin whined, staring at the pointed finger with a knot between his brows. ''I said what everybody was thinking. Blame me all you want but you were thinking like me!'' 

Hoseok giggles while watching the way his friends tearing each other apart with their stares, enjoying the chaos more than he should. Probably the drinks he had just hit his head. He poured himself another one while Jin got red because of all the yell he did to Jimin, and the poor youngest watching them with rounded doe eyes. 

''I see you are having a great time over there,'' the tone of his friend alarmed Hoseok, he acknowledged that he is the next target of his. So he holds his arms up, his pupils dilated from the fear he feels. ''Hey... what did I do to earn that look?'' 

Jimin's little 'o's filling the room while darting his eyes over Jin and Hoseok, happy to see how tables have turned. The youngest staring his hyungs curiously. 

''So you say that you did nothing wrong?'' Jin crosses arms above his chest, cock his head aside. ''Nothing?'' he asks once again to prevent his friends from attempting to deny him. Light tension fills the room while they stare at each other in silence. 

''He is talking about the patient of his, dummy,'' Jimin can't wait a little longer and talks before Hoseok says something. He lifts an eyebrow, trying to understand what his friend was talking about. His 'o' shaped mouth leaves its place to a pout. ''What patient?'' 

Hoseok asks but deeply knows who Jin was referring to, but he wants to deny all he can. Wouldn't want to believe that he was being that obvious in front of his friend and also his co-worker. His heart race goes high, can't believe how unprofessional he looked. If Hoseok ever wanted to disappear from somewhere, it wasn't the time where his pants decided to leave his body and him staring his first crush in his pink underwear. After memories of the first grade fill his mind, Hoseok's face goes even redder than ever. 

''You know 'what' patient I'm talking about Hoseok,'' the oldest rolls his eyes, his nose crinkles in shame after seeing the useless attempts of his friend. He is the second oldest in this group after Jin, yet he looked like a three years old boy. ''I'm talking about Y/N, saying it in case you try not to understand once again, for god sakes Hoseok...'' Jin lets a big sigh, shaking his head earnestly. 

When a pair of sweat drips occurs in his forehead, Hoseok uses the back of his hand to wipe. Even though he tries hard not to be obvious while dripping anxiety sweats, everyone in the room can regardable as a smart man, plus they were knowing him for a long time so it was useless for Hoseok to try to act cool. He lets a little gasp, pouting, ''Yeah, Y/N. She... she looks like a good person. Yeah..'' 

''Good enough to makes you want to slide in her pants?'' Hoseok gasps dramatically, facing Jimin's big grin with a hand on his chest. He could die from embarrassment. 

''Jimin-ah! Stop talking nonsense.'' Jimin's hand wraps around his shoulder, rubbing the spot where his hyung just put a punch, it hurts enough to make him regret what he said but he can't control his tongue when he is with them and the alcohol in his veins. ''Don't make me yell again. I'm working tomorrow,'' 

Jimin's knitted brows start to ease, while his grin finds its place on his lips. But he shifts from where he sits, abstaining from hyung's punch before saying what he has in his mind. ''Does Y/N have an appointment tomorrow?'' he sizes the man in dark hair, flushed pink cheeks in joy. Hoseok doesn't want to look curious and tries to hold his body stable, not moving a muscle or landing an eye on Jin. But he is burning in curiosity, his fingertips numb with the memory of him touching, patting your arm fills in his mind. 

The heated body, radiating too much agony. And for some reason, he can't quite understand, but he knows that he hates to see you like that. How many times did he see you before, three? In every one of them, you looked burned out, terrified. He doesn't know what he hates the most. The sorrow in your eyes or the way you startled in every situation. He doesn't know, nor he understands, put logic in it. But he wants to make sure of your well being. Not knowing you or you being his friend's patient won't stop him, he knows it for sure. Unless you want him to stop. 

''It's not that scary, right hyung?'' with the poke on his shoulder, Hoseok tears from his thoughts, and you. But little did you know, the image of your bright stare in the hospital exit never leaves Hoseok's mind. Haunts him every minute. 

''R-right, not that scary,'' Hoseok nods while the thought of you being a witch wanders on his mind. He is sure that he got caught up in your spell. 

How many times can a person make mistakes? Does it have any statistics, or it's up to that person's imbecility? If you try to count the mistakes you made, you probably would drown under them like a used chocolate packet. But thinking about past mistakes could not give anything in return. Therefore, you focused on today and the days that were waiting for you. 

Searching on the internet about pregnancy, reading all the comments about it didn't help you the way you want. Moreover, it just turned you into a confused wreck. To be more clear, you were looking at how a pregnant woman feels about it, and if you were making a mistake for not choosing abortion. It didn't help because they all wrote how good to be pregnant and being a mother. How they felt amazing and the special bond between them and their babies.

The one bond you couldn't feel for a particular reason. 

They all wanted to be a mother, thinking about this a lot and then deciding the time they want. And the ones who got pregnant by accident or without wanting at first, get used to all the hardship with their partner unlike you. 

It was useless, and just remembered how lonely you are. So you had to close the laptop before you broke it. Thanks to your pregnancy brain, you never felt this unstable in your life. It was being on a roller coaster with never-ending ups and downs. One second, you were feeling above the clouds, happiest woman ever, and then bam, something just snaps and you can't ease the need to break something. Preferably someone's neck. 

''Yah! From earth to the woman who is drooling,'' when Taehyung snaps his finger on your face, you flinch with the sudden move. Tearing yourself from your thoughts, you size the lovely boys who are staring at your face. ''What were you thinking that deeply?'' 

''And use this. Geez,'' taking the white napkin from Namjoon's hand, you push it to your drooling chin. It was surprising how much saliva your body produces. Almost equal to a Lama. ''It was nothing. Just... just thinking about work and stuff, you know,'' 

Namjoon tsks, lifting his brows in disbelief. ''And I should believe this?'' you shrug one shoulder, throwing the napkin on the table after folding in your palm. You also read about pregnancy drooling. At first, you did not believe it, but as you can see how much you do it was impossible not to believe. ''Believe it or not, it's the truth I'm telling you.'' 

''Aish... stubborn as always,'' Taehyung rolls his eyes at you, pulling his eyes from you to land on Yoongi who sits right beside you. ''Are we watching the movie as we are all together and no work tomorrow?'' he sizes you all, eyes gleaming with expectations. 

''The one you never shut your mouth about?'' Yoongi asks, showing how he got sick of his countless insists to watch a certain movie with them because he was the chicken in the group. ''It's fine by me but is it okay to watch scary movies during pregnancy?'' he continues after Taehyung nods in excitement, but once Yoongi points at the elephant in the room, his mood visibly fades. 

''I don't think so,'' guessed as the elephant in the room, ''They never said anything about it. Both Seokjin and the internet so yeah, why not. Let's get over with it,'' you waved your hand, trying not to turn this into something big. 

When Taehyung wiggles his body in weal, Yoongi scoots over, landing his arm over your shoulders and pulling you close. ''You can always hug me if you feel too scared, you know?'' he grins, patting you on the shoulder. The daringness of the boy always manages to shock you, leave you speechless. But Namjoon acts before you can say anything, ''If she can't find you, there is always another man who waits for her. Right, Y/N?'' he made the effort to sound sneering. You give the finger as a response, but he finds it amusing. 

''Wait-Who are you talking about? Yourself?'' the ash-blonde haired man's eyes go wide, brows tilted. Pout on the lips looks adoring on him, as cheeks get even more fluffy. You want to laugh but you cover your mouth with your hand before sending menacing eyes at Namjoon. 

''Huh. No, aish... no way. I'm telling this one last time, she is not my type. Sorry, honey but I'm talking about Damian. The man who always tries to get in your pants, remember?'' You shush him off immediately. The level of restraining you had against your anger getting lower by the unabashed smile he sends at you. 

''He is not trying...'' as everyone knew how Damian treated you, always tried to do something for you, you did not feel the need to talk back. Teahyung laughs while Namjoon fills his mouth with the cupcake he bought for you. There is no need to say he ate half of them. 

''That man waits on a leash for you, and don’t even fight me on this. You know that.'' Namjoon said, his voice sounded hoarse because of the cupcake he was rolling in his mouth. 

''I agree with Namjoon-ah on this. I saw it with my bare eyes, he is so whipped for you.'' Taehyung backs up, leaning to steal a cupcake from the plate. Even though you know they were right, you didn't want to talk about him anymore. He had a thing for you or not, either way, you didn't want to think about a man in this circumstance. 

''He can wait all he wants, but we all know this pretty lady only has one man in his heart,'' when he gets sick of the topic and hearing the name of a man his friend's talking about, he decides to step in. Yoongi suppresses you on his chest tighter, wrapping you with his warm arms. ''And that man is me, right?'' 

Humming at his question, you wrap your arms around him and let yourself find comfort in his soothing affection. 

The four of you grow together, got more and more close in time, but contrary to Namjoon and Taehyung friendship it was different with Yoongi. You two met when you both had a bad breakup, and were suffering yourself every day. So, your relationship took a different path after a while, it turned into something more platonic. Neither of you had feelings towards each other but finding comfort and serenity in one another company. It wasn't anything physical if you don't count the comfy hugs, tiny kisses, and holding hands when one of you needed it. 

It happened only when you two felt lonely at the same time, and never crossed the line of friendship. It was a harmless, tiny platonic relationship, and you both loved the way it's going. 

You squish yourself deeper in Yoongi's hold when Taehyung started the scary movie. Between Taehyung's screams and Namjoon's criticisms, you giggled when they started to bicker with each other. And in moments like this, you felt extremely happy. Thankful for having them, the chosen family of yours. It was a great way to have a break from feeling miserable and lifeless. 

‘‘Not right for god sake! I said left, yes, a fucking left!’’ you scream at the man who drives, knowing your words sound harsh, you couldn’t help but not caring a bit as the pain in your inguinal area disturbs you. Yet, your screams and constant curses won’t help the redhead to drive decently, or not miss a turn. Trembling hands help him as much as you while he drips red sweat from his forehead. ‘‘Okay, okay… Can you not shout and leave my eardrum alone. Chill a little woman, geez…’’ 

‘‘Have this burning feeling between your legs, and then try to tell me to shut my mouth. Dickhead!’’ You didn’t know why but you were sure of having a urinal affection that tries to kill you for sure. It started two days ago but it only annoyed you while peeing, but after a while it started ache without even landing your back on the toilet. You could only crawl your legs and press them together to abstain from the pain, yet it was useless. 

Taehyung, the lucky man who is driving you to your appointment, wipes the sweat on his forehead, breathing out from his nostrils in annoyance. ‘‘Sure. I won’t forget that,’’ he snaps back, rolls his eyes at you. His grip on the wheel loose after a while, as he doesn’t want to turn this situation even harder for you. Peeking an eye on you, he decides to melt the ice between you and himself. One hand on the wheel, other reaches out and holds yours tightly, and puts a boxy smile on his face. ‘‘Just hang a little okay? We are almost there.’’ Even though you want to spit on his face one second ago, with the sudden affection your heart decides to melt under his caring gaze. 

You will never get used to these abrupt ups and downs. Not in a million years. 

‘‘Well, I’m not giving birth, don’t I? At least, yet,’’ he giggles, shoulders move a bit with the vibration of his laugh. Thankfully, Taehyung didn’t decline your call when you desperately called him after Yoongi, as you knew you couldn’t handle driving a car in these situations, and taxi drivers always get on your nerves so using them with these hormones wouldn’t end well. Taehyung took the savior role and didn’t lose himself even though he had enough of your filthy mouth, at least he was still driving you to hospital. Not dumping you on the road even though he considered this for a minute. 

‘‘Want to wait for me to park the car or meet you there?’’ he cuts your thoughts while pulling the car in front of the entry. Moving swiftly, you open the door and almost run to the elevators after telling him a simple ‘there’, leaving him behind. Heading to the elevator, you act like you are not having the thought of the man who has a heart-shaped smile. You didn’t even know his name, as you trick yourself into this idea. You press the button after entering the grey elevator with a couple of people, two of them step out with you on the third floor, heading to a different direction. 

While you were walking to your doctor office, for the first time in weeks, you didn’t feel heavy on the heart. Not that you were not anxious, but it was different now. The ball of sweats didn’t crept towards your forehead, heart wasn’t beating like it was going to explode, or the way your eyelids stayed dry. Normally they would go puffy from wetness by now. But here you are, standing inches away from Doctor Kim’s door, and not having a slight terror beating on your throat. 

This is a first for you. And probably for your doctor too as he always witnessed your breakdowns. What a pathetic loser, he must think about you, as you did think just like that. 

‘‘Welcome, Y/N,’’ Doctor Kim reacts by standing up after seeing you, holding his hand up to greet you. You couldn’t help not to mirror his smile, squeezing his hand with a pleased smile, happy to see him. ‘‘You look good. Things have been going good, I guess?’’ he asks, pulling his hand to gesture you to sit in your usual place. For a second, you stay silent, not knowing what to say as you didn’t want to lie for some reason. Knowing he is always caring and sweet towards his patients, he still manages to make you feel special in a way. Probably thinking dumbly, but you feel close to this man, and wanted to share the truths. Even though you were not sure if things have been going good, or the total opposite. Well, you were still dealing with pregnancy hormones, morning sickness, and constant urinal issues - ignoring the unwanted pregnancy -, but you can say you were more optimistic these days? You didn’t know, had no idea… 

Sitting on the black couch where he gestured, you bob your head, gathering your thoughts. ‘‘To be honest, I don’t know how I feel. You know about the pregnancy mind and emotions. I think I’m trying to be better,’’ he gives a polite smile, white pearls appear behind his lips. ‘‘Oh, that’s good news. At least we are trying to overcome the negativities, huh?’’ you giggle, nodding while your heart warmed with the way he mentions ‘we’. Not throwing you under the bus, but also counting himself in, easing your anxiety day by day. You found yourself lucky. 

‘‘So, painful urinates.’’ his expression changes in a minute to a professional doctor he is from a friendly one. Eying the papers for a couple of minutes, he holds out a tiny paper to you before adding, ‘‘Let’s have a urine test, first.’’ he smiles again, and informs you about the floor you should go to. 

You already hate taking these tests, have to pee in a cup and all the humiliation you felt after holding it in your hand in the corridor, in front of all those people. Like it wasn’t enough, you couldn’t drop a little drip in a damn cup. Exhaling the air in your lungs, you wipe the sweats from your forehead. Of course, nothing will work in the way you wanted, have to drive you crazy before. ‘‘Why, why, why exactly I can’t pee?’’ you groaned, lifting your pants and pulling the zip before washing your hands two times - because who would wash one time -, and you exit from the toilet to meet with your friend. ‘‘I can’t pee,’’ you sat in defeat, shoulders dropped dead on your body, and you watched your friend’s laughs and snorts that filled the corridor. At least one of you had fun today… 

‘‘You look all pouty and teary just because you can’t pee?’’ he hits his knee with one hand, lips reaching from ear to ear, while you eye him with a crabby gaze. This man wants a punch. ‘‘Ohh… God, you are so cute,’’ he continues to giggle while arms pull you into a hug, one kiss lands on your hair. Then, he informs you to wait for him, and leaves you there to overthink. It’s funny how life treats you sometimes, when you think. You literally wake up every hour to pee from your comfy bed, but when it’s come to an important task, your urinal system decides not to do the thing that it does for a thousand times a day. Hah, funny! Not that you are surprised, though. Looking at your past, nothing came easy, hence, never left without making a big fuss. You did get used to all the trembling mess in your life, but all you wanted was to pee without having a meltdown. Is it too much to ask? Aish… just when you thought everything going alright, not suffocating you with handicaps on your way and such things like-

‘‘For a person who holds a plastic cup, you look very sad.’’ a honeyed giggle interrupts your overthinking, forcing your attention on itself. And with a slight surprised gaze, you had nothing to do other than facing the oh so familiar sound. ‘‘Do you need help?’’ 

‘‘With this?’’ you hold the cup high, now surprised more than before. Watching the man giggle visibly, after seeing your wide open eyes. 

‘‘What! Of course not.’’ he almost shrieks with a mocking attitude. ‘‘It was a way more general question than it’s heard.’’ finally he stops laughing, giggling after sitting right beside you. Brown gaze locked on you after silence takes over your small conversations, but you don’t feel uncomfortable the way you should. The way you thought you should act if you run into him again, but the annoying fondness toys with your heart. After the day you last saw him, you regretted shortly after the way you acted all needy, as a fragile little girl. You still can’t believe how you felt heartbroken when he didn’t find a way to drive you home. What were you? Some girl who can’t control her emotions or hormones? And no, using pregnancy as an excuse won’t work this time. You had strict rules to obey. No man must go near to your heart. 

‘‘Doctor Kim wanted a urine test?’’ Hoseok tried to look cool, asking nonchalantly and tried to trick himself as he only wondered about this as a nurse. Not out of curiosity about your situation or health. Badly wishing you would fool around and not hit him on the head. 

‘‘Hmm. Probably an infection. He wanted a test.’’ you nod, chewing your bottom lip while his chocolate orbs never leaves your face. While your fingers play with the cup, eyes locked on them as you are afraid to look him in the eye, not trusting yourself enough on not blushing all over while eying him. He had some kind of an effect on you, and you hated that. You really did. He leans closer when you scream internally, ‘‘There is something,’’ he murmurs before the touch of his fingertips lick your cheek a bit, feeling the tremble on his hand while he takes a tiny leaf from your hair. It was stupid to feel, but the scene had resemblance with the tv dramas. Both of you stayed dumbfounded as he dared to touch you, of course, you were too close and air left the tiny space. Under the spotlight you two were frozen, waiting for a miracle to move. Something happened soon after, but you may not call it a ‘miracle’ as it was your dumb friend, who yelling at you from across the corridor. 

‘‘Y/N-ahhh!’’ A couple of eyes landed on Taehyung in disbelief, a couple of ‘tsc’s murmured by the older ones, and immediately the young man shut his mouth. Holding his hand above his parted lips, embarrassment turns his cheeks scarlet, heart beating inside of his throat. But all the embarrassment dies after Taehyung spots you and the man right beside you, hand on your hair, the same scarlet on his face. Then Taehyung visibly changes, and you know what is about to happen that you hated so much. Before you could open your mouth to say something, or Hoseok lands his hand, your friend was there. Taking deep breaths, nostrils getting big with every breath. ‘‘I’m Taehyung, and you?’’ wanting to slap your forehead, or his face, you stood up and Hoseok followed your act. 

‘‘H-hey. Hoseok,’’ Hoseok holds his whimper when the red haired man tries to break his hand in the handshake. He doesn’t understand the situation, or why this man looks like he was about to rip his head off, but Hoseok couldn’t help to push his chest up a little bit to show he is not intimidated by the man in front of him. ‘‘Hahaha, how you meet with each other kindly, huh? Hoseok is the best nurse in this hospital as Doctor Kim said,’’ you try to ease the moment, but the words all sound shrill, ‘‘And Taehyung is-’’

‘‘Taehyung,’’ your best friend for life, wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer to his body. With dreadful eyes you scan his face, then landing on Hoseok, watching the strain on his jaw. ‘‘Nice to meet you,’’ Taehyung adds, and you want to punch him. Oh gosh, you want to punch him so bad on the balls. Until his know-it-all, stupid face reddened. He was forcing your restraining level, pushing you too much with the protective acts of him. Between your internally crisis, you land an apologetic gaze on Hoseok’s, wishing him not to care of your stupid friend’s attitudes. 

‘‘Yes. Yes, of course, nice to meet you, too,’’ Hoseok bids his goodbye after taking his hand from Taehyung’s grip, as kind as he can manage. Trembling left hand finds a way to ease the act by wandering on his hair, ruining it. He doesn’t know why the burning ball dropped at his chest out of nowhere, or why his breaths become so fast. Wanting to punch himself in the face, he can’t get rid of the image of the arm over your shoulders. Blood almost meets with air when he bites down his lip, a feeling clawing his chest, but he doesn’t know what it is. He doesn’t want to learn, either. 

‘‘Ouch!’’ Taehyung voices a hoarse whine, rubbing the skin under his rib cage. An instant ache raised after the touch of your elbow, landing on him with a great aspect. ‘‘Did I play good?’’ he tries to laugh but with the pain he wheezes, playfulness wiped from his face. 

‘‘What was that?’’ slapping him one more time, you raged. Hoseok’s back already lost in the corridor, but remembering how his face dropped down, and a terrible anguish struck your heart. Of course it was only because Taehyung mocked him, that was why you felt this stinging guilt. Yeah, that’s why. ‘‘What was what? I think I played well. Shouldn’t we protect you from the danger going around?’’ he asked like it was the obvious thing. Surprise on the face. 

‘‘Who are ‘we’, exactly?’’ 

‘‘Well, you know. Me, as your best friend, also Namjoon. And Yoongi, not that I can count him as your friend, but yeah… You see, that is we,’’ he points, dropping a quotation mark on the air. Breath, yes just breath and ignore the boiling anger inside of you. It would be the best thing to do. ‘‘And here, drink this bottle. Sure you’ll pee like an elephant in a minute.’’ Before taking the bottle from his grip, you tried to say something, abortively parting your mouth only to close it in a minute as you don’t know what to say. The redhead eyes you as if nothing happened, like he didn’t do anything wrong a minute ago, and you didn’t know which word would shake his mind. Maybe a slap, or even a kick would work but with a living creature inside of your belly, you won’t kick anybody. Even if that anybody boils your blood, inflames your migraine. 

Audibly gulping you drink the water swiftly. Hitting the bottle on his chest, you turn to sit where Hoseok just left. An itchy feeling appeared on your chest, leaning to your fingertips by your arms, and you wanted to do something. Probably it was a dumb idea, but for some reason you had an urge to explain who was Taehyung actually, why he was here and all the question in his mind. Even though some part of you screams at you, writing the sane thing with red color. Why would he have any questions in his mind? Or, why would he want an explanation from you? 

Not knowing exactly if it’s okay to eat diet biscuits, you send another crumb to your mouth, crushing it slowly between your molar teeth. A kid looks at you with wide eyes beside you, she points you to show how scary you look while looking at the floor in a trance to her mother. Which you don’t know what was going on in the world as thinking about nothing was way more entertaining than watching the others. Plain biscuit didn’t put a joy in your mouth, rather it tasted like grass. Not that you knew how grass tasted like, or not that you waited for an explosion in your mouth out of joy. All these useless thoughts wander on your mind, keeping you busy while you wait for your test results. Surprisingly, your dummy friend advised you the reasonable thing, like a broken clock showing the right time twice a day, he used his dusty brain for once. After gulping down a bottle of water, a wave of need had hit you on the inguinal area. All you needed to do was wait for the moment, but you were too impatient to do so. Hitting the table with your fingertips, keeping a broken rhythm, humming to yourself got boring after you started. A ball was going right to the left in your blank head, you were able to hear the sound of emptiness. 

‘‘I don’t want to eat this!’’ in the crowded hospital canteen a voice comes out, beating all the other sounds and tickling your ears. ‘‘No. I said no!’’ when the woman tried to feed the little satan again, he jerked his hand and hit the spoon on the woman's hand. Geez. A cold drop takes a track all the way down your spine, causing you to shiver in shock. The satan in the shape of a little boy started to cry soon after the spoon met with the floor, kicking the table and smacking the food on the ground. You were stunned, speechless for a moment as the scene continued by the little boy having a tantrum right beside you. Calling him with such a bad name didn’t bring you any guilt, moreover, you think it suited him well. Red on the face, constant punch on the air and wobbly screams coming out of the boy made some resemblance with the evil force in him. Not that you knew much about babies or little kids, but this boy looked at least four or five years old, yet he managed to put fear in your gut. 

A bucket of cold water dropped by your head, waking you from the trance you dive into. You had no idea about raising a baby, or taking care. It was hitting you with a wave of truth that you had no ability to look out for a baby, while you can’t even survive from the winter on your own. Never thinking of raising the baby in your belly, you never applied to an adoption foundation, though. What were you thinking? You would get used to this, being pregnant, being a mother? Suddenly you would expect the baby, out of nowhere? 

You were acting foolish, reckless and immature. Always having hard times without a father, how could you think you can raise a baby on your own. And until now, you didn’t know that you had such a dump idea. Did you really want to raise a baby on your own, you weren’t quite sure about it, but you never researched the many ways of adoption. Bitterness floats around your tongue, your grip on the biscuit hardened, until there is nothing but a bunch of crumbs. Cold wet stick on your back, black shirt becoming the second skin while your eyes wander around everywhere. Having multiple panic moments these last weeks, you read much about pregnancy depression, which they mostly said it was okay to feel depressed or down because of the uncertainties of your emotions. They were up and down in a blink, filling your stomach until you threw them out with a retch, waking you up with heavy breaths in the middle of the night. That’s why, you always found yourself thinking if this would be much easier with somebody, with… him. Sticking your tongue between your teeth, you hate yourself for thinking about him, the man who ran away from you with toes hitting his butt. And all these pregnancy hormones were confusing your mind, causing you to barking up the wrong tree. 

While you were feeling under the water, fighting with your thoughts to see clearly, a sweet melody of a laugh interrupted the stinging flood of negativities on your mind. Something snapped, and all the scars started to heal after hearing a simple giggle. 

Holding your head up, letting the soothing tone sail into your skin, kissing all the stitches to heal by soft touches, you eyed him. Growing pains chucked away against the pressure of the thrilling balm, honeyed warmness bloomed in your chest after witnessing the mouth curling a heart-shape. He was close enough for you to see the glowing wriggle in his eyes, and you wanted to curl, cover your body with the thought of its beauty. For a second, you wanted to let yourself find the momentary tranquility under his magic, even though it was black. Even though it was harmful for you, too soothing, too good to be true. 

‘‘H-hi,’’ with a croaky voice popping on your mind, you shake your head to come back to reality. The reality where Hoseok was standing behind the table, a timid smile on his face, feeling uneasy. 

Hands crossing each other's way, you stare him blankly, mouth barely spills the greeting. ‘‘Still waiting for the reports?’’ he asks after coughing to get rid of the hoarse voice, billion reasons wandering inside his mind, telling him not to talk with you after what happened on the second floor, but the unknown reason holds his legs tight. Conversely, the part of him, where the logic was long lost can’t ignore the doleful lines on your face. Hundred promises lost its effect with one glimpse towards your direction. Promising, taking oaths for not talking to you was useless over the way his heart reacted after seeing the way you sit all alone. His guts, senses, brilliant mind were nothing but a bunch of trash when it comes to you, and the more he hated the way he walked over his own promises, the more he found himself in a deep hole, where he can’t think of anything but you. As his friend said before, he was stupid. Hoseok knew this very well. 

‘‘Yeah, still waiting. But, it’ll be over soon,’’ you cracked a tiny smile, scanning his face until a voice cut the moment, but Hoseok’s lips never moved. 

‘‘Hey, it’s Jimin,’’ hand hanging in the air, you stared at the man for a second before reacting. Slightly long dark hair falls on the side of his forehead, a tender smile turns his pupils into half-moons, self-assuredness can easily read. ‘‘The best nurse you can run into,’’ he nods to emphasize his words. But his cockyness fades after Hoseok adds ‘pre’ to his caption, holding your laugh back you cover your palm over your mouth. Hiding your grin back as you don’t want to offend the boy you just met. ‘‘Hi, it’s nice to meet. You can call me Y/N,’’ hearing your name, a light ignites in his half-moons, passing by in satisfaction. 

‘‘You don’t mind if we sit together, right?’’ mischievous glares stare deep in you, like he tries to prevent you from saying no, yet you had no intentions to say that. ‘‘We don-’’

Hoseok eyes you in surprise after you cut his words half, not expecting you to agree on what Jimin just said. The smile on your lips shocks him as well, getting cramps on the heart when you land your eyes on him that softly. ‘‘Of course, that would be good. Having a company sounds good,’’ 

‘‘Where is your…-red haired man?’’ a bizarre tone rises from Hoseok when he takes his place on the chair beside you. Before answering him, the embarrassing scene plays on your mind, sending a bunch of curses to the man who drives himself away from the hospital. You curl an apologetic smile. ‘‘He needed to leave. You know, work calls,’’ allowing yourself to feel stupid, blaring giggle popped out of you. It sounded fake, as you were still ashamed of Taehyung’s behaviours. He only nodded, not adding anything until the black haired one leaves to get something to drink. It was silent between you, but nervousness could cut a wire. Both the way his jaw tenses every other minute, and the way your eyes never land on him more than three seconds, you can sense the awkwardness. Never seeing him like this also disturbed you even though you only run into him for like three times. But as soon as the younger one moved away, chary words spilled by his lips. 

‘‘W-was he the father of the baby?’’ Hoseok asked, knowing he is crossing the line big time, but the vexed part of him clouds his logic. Even though he curses himself being this immature, he can’t help the vain need that grows inside of him to learn the truth. Even before seeing your face getting white, lips parting abruptly with an unexpected question, Hoseok knew he shouldn’t ask the question, but witnessing the way you react, he curses himself one more time. ‘‘Who? Taehyung?’’ As you weren’t waiting for him to ask such a question, he wasn’t expecting you to laugh until your body became involved in your laughter. Stuttering, being unable to complete your word, you hold your finger on the air to ask for a minute to gather yourself. For a moment of thinking Taehyung as the father of the baby in your belly made you giggly mess because of the abruptness of it. You not only want to retch with the thought of it, but also want to laugh until your muscles stop working. ‘‘No! Oh, o-of course, no.’’ forgetting where you were, you burst out. 

‘‘Oh, okay?’’ ignoring the dense relief, Hoseok hesitated. Not knowing what to say in return as you were trying to hold your laugh back. 

‘‘S-sorry but thinking of him as that just wrecked my nerves for a moment.’’ wiping the tears from your eyelids, you continued. ‘‘He is my friend. Best friend to be exact. He did act silly before, sorry for that either. He think he needs to protect me.’’ as you gave too much information at one, Hoseok’s pupils grew bigger, and weren't expecting to receive such a reply. He doesn’t even try to hide his amused smile back, shamelessly showing it out. ‘‘Good,’’ he commented before causing a big, heavy silence between you two. As you eyed him in a moment of confusion glowing in your eyes, weighing the meaning behind the word, you were utterly surprised. Was it just to fill the space, or he meant something else, you never truly understand, but decided to lure yourself into thinking it meant nothing. Otherwise, you were in a state of having no control over your emotions, and god knows what that simple world would do to your mind, playing games until you found yourself curled in your sheets, losing the pitiless game. You had lived that more than once, but in this situation, it would tousle you and throw your parts messily. 

Dropping himself on the chair, Jimin spread the husky mood. ‘‘Here hyung, your latte.’’ He pushed the glass to Hoseok’s direction, smiling sweetly, he didn’t forget you. Putting the scarlet cup in front of you, knowing the pleasant scent devours your nostrils in no time. ‘‘And this is for you. It’s my favorite so I hope you’ll like this,’’ he adds, gaze glowing happily. 

‘‘Ah. Thank you,’’ before taking a sip, you murmur, bowing your head little to show your gratitudes. Risky mood runs away after the hot liquor lingers around your mouth, playing, tickling your tongue over and over until it has lost its ruins. Well, you can say that you liked Jimin without having any lack of sympathy before he even treated you with the oh so familiar taste. It was soothing, alarming your senses to ease kind of a taste, and you remembered how your mother always made a cup of this tea whenever you gave her a tantrum. It never mattered if the tantrum was caused because you wanted a shoe, or rejected by those companies over and over again. And for a split moment your heart jammed between the agonizing longing over seeing her crow's foot while your mother smiles endearingly. ‘‘What is this?’’ 

Seeing how your face lightens with the flush crepting up your face, Jimin waits a second to answer. ‘‘It-it’s my mother's recipe. Why?’’  

‘‘You serious?’’ mouth falling open, having no control over the tone of your voice, you yowled. Without wasting another minute, you gulp down the second sip. Licking the taste out of your lips, a smile beamed to your face.

‘‘W-why?’’ stuttering his words, Hoseok leaned closer. Dramatic dread banged his face in a flash of light, but before he could gather his senses, Jimin’s mischievous eyes caught him. 

‘‘My mother always made this when I felt angry or emotionally sick. Even now,’’ giggling away your embarrassment as you shared much again. Seeing the way Hoseok’s dimple color the side of his upper lips as it gets smaller with the curling smile. His eyes glistened with the dim joy covering over his chest. And it affected you. ‘‘So who made them?’’ you look back as you were able to see the creator of your childish happiness, and attempt stealed a tiny laugh from Jimin’s lips. 

‘‘It’s a secret for now,’’ with a twisted smile curling his face, he swallowed a big sip from his coffee. ‘‘As we need to leave now. Right hyung?’’ Two pairs of eyes land on Hoseok, who was locking his gaze on you with an adoring smile on the corner of his lips. Not wanting to show it on your face, you were heartbroken a little as he just got here. They. They just got here. And you can’t deny that you had fun talking with Jimin, sharing the same recipe from your mother’s was exciting. But you had to gulp down your disappointment after seeing the mealy eyes, you faked a giggle. ‘‘I will be okay if you’re looking at me like that because you think I’m too powerless to be left alone.’’ To be honest, you lied to avoid revealing any kind of negative expression. Including yourself, as you repeat that you don’t need someone to hold your hand and wait by your side. Liar. 

‘‘Did you came here with your car?’’ he was about to turn his back when the idea hit him, and he gestured his body towards you once again. Reminding you of the absence of any vehicles to take you back to your not so lovely, cold home. Whether you were exaggerating the situation of your home, you blamed the loneliness. It made you feel cold in there, like a lost puppy, who can’t find the way back home. ‘‘Uber gonna work for me today,’’ you hinder the unnecessary thoughts of you, smiled naively. Then, ecstasy glowed in his browns. Like he detected something way good to celebrate it with a genuine grin. ‘‘If it’s okay, I’d like to drive you back. I had a semi-promise as I remember?’’ 

This was unexpected. As you stare at him back, lips parted slightly due to the maze you found yourself in, feeling a bit funny. Hoseok felt the urge to continue as you stayed staring as you just swallowed a stick. ‘‘My shift is almost over, so you don’t have to wait too long. But only if you’re comfortable,’’ 

‘‘O-okay.’’ Comfortable? Was he joking or he was that oblivious to the way you move, act like a fool around him. ‘‘It would be fine, I guess..’’ your voice trailed off in the end. Afraid to be a burden on him, you were about to turn down his offer. But a blooming, heart-shaped smile put you back on the place. He wasn’t doing these to look kind, he was kind and really wanted to help you out. Even though you weren’t aware of that. 

Wetting his lips ecstatically, his fingers met with his hair as he didn’t know where to put them. ‘‘Then I’ll be at the front gate in half an hour later?’’ he noted. Waving his goodbye, as you mimicked him back without forgetting Jimin, telling him how glad you are that you met him. His half-moons appeared as he bid his goodbye back, wrapping his arms around you tightly. It surprised you how sincere he was, but you put aside your cold-hearted acts for a second to hug him the same way. Which, it felt nice. Now, you were going to wait for him after seeing Doctor Kim, and get your medicine. You knew he would give you an antibiotica as you were aware of the current situation. Yes, it is good. Think about antibiotics to press down your horror, your anxiety over being driven to your home by Hoseok. That would hold back your mind from whirling around. 

Life was funny. The way it worked amazed everyone in this world as well as you. It was funny because you were a mess not long ago. Agonizing, trembling waves of pain never left your chest for a moment, and you found yourself crying in every possible corner. Opposite to the current emotions howling inside of you. Heart stepped closer to the edge of a skyscraper, almost ready to jump with the non stop thrill pumping out of it. After feeling like ages now, you feel the blooming tiny happiness inside your chest. Besides being a good thing, it was also terrifying as you were broken like a glass, torn into million pieces by the love of your life. At least you thought he was the one. Luckily or not, it came out as a false alarm. He wasn’t the one, and never intent to be. Stop thinking about that imposter you wrecked idiot. There was no way that he could make you sad anymore. Not that you had someone, or thinking about filling his old place. Speaking of the devil’s name, you were not thinking about Hoseok to fill his place, but he helped you in the way he wasn’t aware. You come to your senses, remembering you were still a living, breathing human being. Pregnant or not. It wasn’t the end of the world, and you will figure out what to do. Sooner or later. You always did. 

Maybe this, being all sunshine, a ball of optimism was an effect of Hoseok. Still, you were happy at the moment. Weren’t you?

‘‘Oh. You are here,’’ breathy voice came right beside you, tearing you apart from overthinking. And you made the first mistake by sizing him from head to toe. Seeing him in loose black sweatpants, green sporty jacket and darker shade of green t-shirt keeping a necklace above his chest, cost you. The damn glasses didn’t help you, as well. It tied your tongue how his façade changed with a simple outfit. He looked breathtaking indeed. Landing his beg from his shoulders, he pushed back his glasses on his nose. ‘‘I was anxious a bit that you’d left as it took more than I expected to come here,’’ 

A heavy breath turns into a silent hiccup, hitting you on the chest when his eyelids crinkles with an apologetic smile. This was going to be the biggest mistake you ever made - without counting your pregnancy, of course - and you didn’t pay much attention at the exact moment. It felt warm on the chest, if you had to find an excuse. ‘‘Were you? I just came here, too, so it's okay.’’ Forty minutes wasn’t that long and yes, one can say you just come here. 

‘‘Great then. Shall we?’’ Hoseok gestured to the exit, waiting for you to stand beside him. Both of you ignored the growing awkwardness for as long as you can. He was going to drive you home. It was a long road, and you couldn’t just ditch him without offering him something in return. 

Imitating him, you arrived in his car in the park. Shiny red car awakened your admiration. Not that you get paid poorly, or you knew much about cars, but you were smart enough to understand how expensive this car is. ‘‘Do you want me to open the heater?’’ 

‘‘Huh?’’ staring him like a deer in the headlight, you stopped brushing your hands to your pants. He caught you out of blue. ‘‘No, no. It’s not that cold. Just… just my cold hands, that’s all.’’ sinking deeper in the black leather seat, you gulped. Blinking unaware of how pale your face is, you blurt out a plane smile. Never thought of being a woman who likes his partners in such a power, or in great wealth, butterflies raised inside of you. As witnessing the way he grabbed the wheel like ruling a whole country caught your attraction. Was watching someone while driving count as a kink? You didn’t hope so. Fucking pregnancy hormones. 

‘‘Can you write the address on the navigation?’’ he pleaded, locking his seat belt. As you mirrored him before typing your address with a shaky hand. Since when giving your address stopped becoming a threat, you didn’t care. Finishing the task he gave, you leaned back happily. Anxiety still tried to get away where you pressed it down, wanted to eat your happiness alive and offer you the biggest panic attack you ever had. Fortunately, Hoseok managed to hold you at ease, even without working for it. After ten minutes of silence - and it was long enough for you to have a drip of sweats on your forehead - he broke it with an apology. ‘‘You can take back your apology that you bid for you friend’s behavior, as mine didn’t act very differently,’’ 

Releasing the bottom lip free from your teeth’s torture, you turned your head. ‘‘You don’t have to apologize for Jimin. He was sweet,’’ mentioning of his name, mischievous half-moons came alive in your mind. You smiled with the memory. Which Hoseok catched it with the corner of his eye. ‘‘I almost forgot the taste of that tea my mother made for me. So he did something very good for me,’’ you bobbed your head, continuing to smile. 

With the word ‘mother’, Hoseok’s memory of seeing you on the bench while crying, having a heart-to-heart talk with your mother rouse itself. Rusty weariness still visible in your façade, his heart sank into a familiar ache, remembering how desperate you looked before. Unintentionally he grabbed the wheel tighter, brows snapped together as he had no power to hold back the pain you were feeling. First time in his life, he felt useless and it bothered him so much. ‘‘Is she living far from you?’’ 

‘‘If you call two hours of car ride far, then yes?’’ lifting your brow up, you eyed his genuine smile. Eyes getting thinner with the weight of his cheek, milky teeth appeared. 

‘‘I never thought that you’ll turn out as a lazy person,’’ as your mouth takes the shape of an ‘o’, his giggles suffuse the car. ‘‘C’mon. Beat me if I’m wrong but you are not really thinking its long, right?’’ 

‘‘Well, can’t a woman be lazy in peace?’’ 

‘‘Yep, of course.’ holding his giggle behind, he struggled as you rolled your eyes. ‘‘You are totally. Totally had every right to be lazy. Over a two hours car ride,’’ covering his palm under his lips, honeyed cackles slipped away. He was lucky you found him cute. No. No you didn’t. 

‘‘Rude.’’ you crossed your arms above your chest, shifting your direction out of the car, watching the nearest things disappear in a moment. Cars, trees and buildings fading away until the vehicle slowed down a bit, and then stopped going as the red light blurted out. Knowing it will look childish to put an attitude over something this stupid, but for some reason, you also knew he wouldn’t find this abrupt. You would hold your mind busy with keeping an attitude towards Hoseok if your eyes hadn't caught two girls passing by in front of the car, eating the donut ice cream sandwiches in such a piquant way. You knew it was grilled donut, and you would sell your soul just to have one of them right now. Mouth watered with the sight, and tickling craving increased little by little. Covering every piece. If your lips have been locked together a tiny bit loosely, a drop of saliva would drip to the corner of your chin. You read a lot about pregnancy cravings, but you never had this strongly. Fingertips never itched to grab those sandwiches, tear them apart from the girl’s hand this much. Teeth nibbing the bottom lip, you clawed your palms to hold yourself back. At the verge of crying from the need you feel, shaky breath step in the nostrils. It wasn’t the place for this. Not now. Not in front of him. 

Eventually, the light turned green, car moved far away from the girls. From the ice cream sandwiches. Far away from the sweet, mesmerizing taste. Fuck this shit. You were about to lose your mind, and nothing took your mind from those sinful sweets you craved so much. Bottom lip starts to tremble with the amount of sadness you gather inside, head almost whirl around and you almost give away a big whine. It was so stupid to feel, but nothing was going to change the way you feel as you know about this--

‘‘Here we are!’’ the man on the wheel turned his head to give an eye curling smile. But your reaction confused him. Trembling lip, the tip of the nose got pink. Teary eyes wide open, looking upset. He had no doubt. You were looking like a little girl, and his heart grew soft. ‘‘Is everything ok-’’ 

‘‘Thank you for driving me,’’ the brittle voice came out shaky. First, you think about leaving the car as fast as you can and curl in your sheets and cry as you hold tears back, hardly. But the logical side of you found this cruel. Rude also. So you add before grabbing the door handle, ‘‘Can I offer you a cup of coffee? Or whatever you want?’’ 

Afraid of avowing his thrill, Hoseok bobbed his head. ‘‘I don’t want to tire you-’’

‘‘Hoseok, you drive me back all the way down. This is much I can do for you, so please?’’ If his heart didn’t explode before witnessing the warming scene, it was about to. As you said his name in such a tone, adding the cutting please at the end. He was about to lose his mind. That’s all. 

‘‘Okay but I have to get something. You go first, okay?’’ eyes flickered with bliss, your nod was enough for him as a response. 

Choosing stairs over the elevator, you breathe out. It was tiring but counting this as an exercise wasn’t the worst thing you had done. Still too burned out from the severe need of the particular dessert, you barely hold yourself on your feet. It was a tiring day. Very, indeed. Throwing your shoes aside, panic bloomed out of sudden. The living room looked like a war scene, and the man you just invited forcefully were about to witness this mess. Standing mortifiedly, you moved swiftly. Gathering the used napkins, dirty t-shirts and socks between your arms, immediately you throw them into your bedroom. He wouldn’t enter here, would he? 

Of course he wouldn’t you horny bastard!

Shaking your head, you turn back to collect the dirty bowls and cups from the table. You only be able to throw them into the sink but at least they belong to the kitchen. ‘‘The thing I get hype for,’’ you mumbled while adding coffee to the filtre on your machine. Pregnancy made your life boring. With these simple events, your heartbeats bobbed over your throat. But boring meant a simple life, and simple didn’t bother you that much. Well, you were going to give birth last than eight months later. Simple days didn’t sound that bad now. Thinking about the pain you will feel… Gosh, it was enough to send shivers to your spine. Opening the oven to boil water, you closed your eyes for a second. 

Knock. Knock. 

Your heart-shaped positivity wasn’t late. It was a bit weird for him to find your apartment right away, as it was his first time. But you didn’t want to bother yourself with such a lame topic, as you opened the door, greeting him with a big grin. He was a guest now. You better act responsible for once. ‘‘Welcome-’’ mouth hanging open, you falter. 

‘‘To be honest, I also love ice cream donuts.’’ your real life angel takes a step inside with a box in his hand. ‘‘But I also know how intense and painful can be the pregnancy cravings.’’ exploring his dimpled smile, you stand still in awe. Knees almost gave away with the piercing glee. 

‘‘How-.. how exactly you understand?’’ stuttering the words, his smile beamed bigger. 

‘‘You were looking at the donuts the same way Mickey stared at my steak. Not to be rude, but it was kinda scary seeing you like that.’’ fingers covering his mouth, lovely giggle slipped once more. And, for the thousand times today, you wanted to cry, but this time it was because of the weight of an armful of happiness. Gratitude. Seeing him all giggly, standing in front of you with a box full of donuts, his thoughtfulness warmed your heart. ‘‘Oh. Did I say do something bad? You look like you were about to cry-’’

‘‘Thank you,’’ words come out in a whisper, husky by the shoulder of him covering your mouth. As you hugged him. Without thinking further. Tightly. Well, when it comes to you, acting unresponsible wasn’t new, but with the new situation made everything even worse. Now, emotions were higher, heavier, wider inside. Plus, he was literally working on breaking your senses, you thought. Even though you sensed he wasn’t a person like that. All calculated and acting sneaky to trick you into something. He was doing all these out of sympathy, and how you didn’t know particularly, but it made everything even more irresistible. Him, to be more specific. 

‘‘S-sorry for…’’ after his hesitant arms letting you off, you gestured to the space between you two. The regret now shaped after your temerity, daring to do something like that whirled your stomach. It felt empty, or about to be empty.

His voice mirrored the caringness he puts out, ‘‘Hugging is not something you should be sorry for Y/N,’’ the taller’s heart fluttered inside his chest, like it had wings to do that. Childish joy filled his guts, seeing you can’t press your smile behind. It gave him a weird satisfaction. ‘‘And don’t want to pressure you or anything but are you going to let me in?’’ he tilted a brow, taunting you with the softest way possible. 

‘‘Oh, shit-..I mean ‘m sorry,’’

‘‘I thought we agreed not to say sorry anymore,’’ finding you while standing, open mouthed, and not knowing what to do, he decided not to push you anymore. It was fun to him, seeing you all going wide-eyes, lips parted in confusing, and the blush covering the fair cheeks. For the sake of your nerves, he pushed back the laughter when you gestured him inside in defeat. Though, you looked so cute, for his eyes. Shyness of you, the way you tried to pick the right words to spill them, or the way you get all high color of red when you revealed your true self, unintentionally, caused his desire to know you get deeper. It was too early to feel, but seeing you sitting in front of him with a cup of tea between your palms, eying the floor amusingly anxious, bloomed something in his upper body. 

‘‘Thanks for the coffee. It's delicious.’’ he gently commanded, pointing the cup in your direction to emphasize. Eyes of him fixed on your face, around your lips. A loud gulp trembling inside of your ears, you blinked. Too much. 

‘‘Do I… something on my face?’’ chewing the bottom lip, tap of your nails filled background with tensed noises. When he nodded and pointed to your face, you were surprised. As you weren’t expecting the blurted question would be real. 

‘‘Yep.’’ he touched his own face, ‘‘Little upper side of the lips,’’ 

Wiping the remains of the ice cream off of your face, you wanted to dive into between the floor and never come back. ‘‘Ahh,’’ you murmured a weak thanks, blank space between you and him getting bigger and bigger as the embarrassment filled your cup. Silence fell down on the space, the pressed worry now peeking its head out of you, while you brushed your palm over the leg. You didn’t know what you were expecting when you invited him over, as you nearly know each other, and maybe nothing in common to talk about. But the stargazer side of you hoped you would find something to talk about, and spontaneously you would come out as the funnest, lively person he met. Bet, you were someone he never met before but you did not think it was something to be happy over. 

‘‘So, you have a dog,’’ What again? This is your best shot to find something to talk with him? What a brilliant mind you had over there. Well, how could you blame him if he decides to leave you right now, right here. 

‘‘Ah, yeah. He is living with my family but yes, I can say that I have,’’ he points out kindly. Probably thinking what was wrong with you as you both looked and sounded dumb and the most boring- ‘‘I see you are living alone? No pet or a roommate.’’ he distracts you from the stressing thoughts that wandered around your mind, tiny uncertainty hanging on his face as he was afraid to pass the line.

‘‘I never thought about having a roommate, or a pet. Even though I like them beyond measure.’’ you continued after a pale smile occurring over your face. ‘‘Maybe in the future? Though, my mother would try to convince me not to, as I’m barely holding myself together,’’ you laughed weirdly as you confessed. He joined you with a wide smile. Mouth taking a shape of a heart, something snapped inside. You licked your lips in need. Something was playing with your air, as you hardly inhaled some. ‘‘Would you do everything your mother said?’’ 

‘‘Uhm… Probably, yes?’’ crinkling your brows, you gave a thought on it. 

‘‘But two hours of car ride still too much?’’ 

‘‘Hey!’’ wide smile turned into laughter when you protested, and soon after, you joined him. It was impossible to do anything else. The tone of the laugh sounded familiar, comfortable, euphoric, and joyful. And wrongly, it made you spill, blurt out the things you kept to yourself, without even thinking much. The mood turned into a gloomy one right after you started to talk. But it didn’t disturbed you the way you thought it would. 

‘‘I know… I know it’s not that long, but, as you know, this pregnancy thing is very new for me, and… and probably you guessed that, but I wasn’t expecting this. And clearly not handling it well. I just can’t confront her before I get used to this, and maybe figure it out what to do?’’ exhaling, heaviness of your chest lessened. ‘‘Unexpectedness of this is already hard and trying to handle this alone is even harder-’’

‘‘Alone?’’ Hoseok couldn’t stop himself before letting the word slip, he regrets it right after. When he cut you off, you realized you shared too much. Eying the cup of tea between your palms, as it had something inside and made you spill all of this. But, without having regrets you continued, worried chuckles jerked out by the lips. ‘‘Well, as it shows, when you aren’t the one who had a growing baby inside, it’s easier to run away.’’ 

‘‘Oh… I’m sorry,’’ Hoseok doesn’t know what to say in return. He is sorry indeed, but mostly angry. Unreasonable rage burning his chest, his eyes, his palms, he stays silent. His logic just can’t put two in two when it's come to think how someone can be this… this relentless. Memories of your broken face, voice, comes alive once again in his mind, now, everything makes sense. The hurt on your face, loneliness of your eyes. Now he understands why your voice always sounded so weak, so crushed. The blue never leaves your façade. It breaks Hoseok’s heart, but he is thankful as you opened your heart. He feels important. Someone you can talk to. And the elder promises not to hurt this trust you showed, innerly. He puts his anger aside, and focuses to make your face wrinkle with laughter. 

And, he does it. 

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Episode 29 - The fashion brand that doesn't sell a single item of clothing.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru starting this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san, welcome again...Well well well...

J: Hanshin?

K: You know it aready! haha

J: I knew the moment you said 'Well well well'

T: You took a really deep breath.

K: Haha

J: Whenever you lament in that way, its probably Hanshin. Whats going on with them?

K: Well, its kinda like 'Hmm'

J: Haha

K: They are winning some and losing some.

T: Yeah.

K: I talked about this before, but after they got 20 points...

T: Ah! Yes

K: They started getting worse.

T: Yeh, yeh, its true.

J: Did they use everything they had all at once?

K: Well, I mean..But! They just can't win against the Giants.

T: Yeah.

J: Why is that?

T: They can win against other teams.

K: Yeh, its only the Giants. They get destroyed by them.

J: Haha

K: I can't say anything else.

J: Weren't they beaten three times in a row recently or something?

T: Yeah, moreover they didn't get a single point.

K: They were totally crushed three times in a row.

J: Ehh?

T: Its incredible.

J: There's nothing good to come out of this? Why did it happen?

K: They're trying too hard..whatever they do, they try too hard. They never get it right.

J: Oh, really?..Dare I ask you? Honestly? Is there any posibility for Hanshin to win again?

K: There is!

J: There is? Oh good!

K: Yeah, there is....but the Giants are pretty strong.

J: Kami, can't you do something for Hanshin?

Kami: That would be quite difficult. Three losses in a row is quite bad isn't it?

T: Yeah.

J: Its impossible for you to help? Can't you use some of your power?

Kami:......... No, I don't have any power.

J: Haha

Kami: The higher up gods do, but not the lower ones.

J: Can't you ask one of the higher up gods? You could be their mouthpiece.

Kami:.........No, the conditions are strict.

K: Ok, Joe, today's topic please.

J: Yep...Its the news about the mystery of the northern European fashion brand that doesn't sell a single item of clothing. The website 'Carlings' catering to mainly northern Europe, has launched the fashion brand 'Neo-ex'. But it seems as if you can't actually buy clothes on the site. As for how it works, users can choose fashion they like from the 'Neo-Ex' collection, then they upload a photo of themselves. After that a team of exclusive 3D designers will created realistic images of you wearing the clothes. Then the user can buy the images. For example, they could use 'Neo-Ex' in order to look cool on social media. As for the price, you don't buy the clothes, only the image, but it costs between ¥1,300 and ¥3,900. It may appear as profiteering to some, but their aim is to cast the first stone in reducing the huge amount of waste that the fashion industry produces. What do you think about this Kaoru?

K: I mean...I don't really know.

J: You don't know? haha

K: I don't know, but at the same time Im kinda like, 'Ah, I see'.

T: Well, this method was first created at the beginning of 2019. Its still a bit strange, even now, but for sure, I think its good to use with social media.

J: Mmm, I see. Isetan did something similar to this after corona started. When it got really bad with corona, no-one could go to department stores, no one went to shops, so Isetan made avatars, like in a video, and in that the avatars could go shopping, and try on clothes. They charged a fee for it. I read an interview about it,  and what I found interesting was that rather than aiming this at stressed out people who love clothes, but can't go shopping, by letting people make avatars, they were trying to open up an entirely different market. Well, thats what people are saying. This project might be a bit different from that though...Well, its not about buying clothes in reality...well, their aim may be to bring attention to the waste the fashion industry produces, but it also kinda changes the way we see fashion. It doesn't matter how much you pick with this, right? You don't buy them.

T: Yeah.

K: Well, yeh.

T: If you never leave your house, and start living though an avatar, its like your life is over. I have a feeling we'll start hearing stories like that.

K: But there are loads of peope on social media who model clothes that they've bought, aren't there?

J: Yeah..So as for who this fits, its one way to express yourself on social media, right?

K: In that sense, its ok isn't it? And its cheaper than buying the actual clothes. Ah, but does the design team choose for you? Ah, you choose yourself?

J: Yeah, then they create an image of you wearing the clothes. You don't actually buy the clothes, so there is no kind of waste produced, but if you want to just show everyone how the clothes look, you can pay from ¥1,300  to about ¥4000.

T: Its expensive!

K: This would be interesting if various brands were included.

T: Well, yeh.

J: Yeh.

K: And people like us (Dir en grey) could join it, and people could wear our clothes. It might be interesting.

J: Like not actually wearing, but just creating an image?

T: Fans could try on the same outfit as Kaoru and stuff..

K: Yeah. Or you could dress up as historical figures, do cosplay. Or you could choose stuff that you've seen models or tv stars wearing. I think this is a brand at the moment, but if they made that kind of website..

J:Ah, it could be interesting, right?

K: Yeh.

J: I mean, its also good that it doesn't create any waste products.

K: There's a lot isn't there?

J: Well, yeh, if clothes don't sell...in the end, if they are part of a collection, they don't sell them off cheaply, they just cut them up and throw them away.

T: Ah, really?

J: Yeh, and there is a lot of stuff made out of cotton, so thats kinda also related to environmental damage. The economy only works if you keep making stuff and selling stuff, but if you don't sell, it becomes waste, and the earth's environment has to take on that burden. But with this website, its purely the design aspect, so there is no burden on the earth.

K: I wonder if they can do this on any type of photo..

J: What do you mean?

K: Like do you have to be standing straight, facing the camera like this, or could you be sitting down, or..?

J: Ah, your pose?

K: Yeh yeh. Its not that cool to post a photo of yourself just standing up straight. This might actually be quite difficult.

J: Yeah.

K: Was Kami going to say something just then?

Kami: Um, I can't choose clothes at all.

K: You just wear half dried out Tshirts? haha.

J: Haha, yeah. There were quite a lot of people who wanted those.

K: Really? Hahaha

J: It's weird! People saying, 'I want one of Kami's half dried out t-shirts'.

Kami: I only buy cheap clothes. Cheap clothes which won't show the dirt. But even so, my shoes are expensive. 

J: Ah, shoes, yeah.

T: What type of shoes do you buy, Kami?

Kami: I buy quite nice shoes. Yes, I do. I mean, I don't really know, though, something around ¥6000.

J: Im not sure if thats cheap or expensive, haha.

K: Yeh, its kinda hard to tell.

J: Yeh, its that ambiguous zone. If it was ¥500 you could say, 'wow, thats cheap!'. But ¥6000 is like, well...'oh, ok..', kinda.

Kami: I pay ¥500 for tshirts.

T: Thats cheap.

J: Kami, do you wanna try this? Making a fashion image like this?

Kami: No way.

J: So icy...haha.

K: Don't you post photos on socia media, Kami?

T: Oh right, yeh.

Kami: Not at all. But I think doing this type of thing is a really good thing. It's like casting the first stone, it said. I like stuff like that.

J: Ahh.

Kami: I think its a good thing, but I wouldn't do it myself.

J: I kinda wanna try checking out this website. To see what its actually like.

K: Yeah, if it looks interesting...

J: Kaoru, you should try it!

K: Me?

J: Yeh.

K: This? Should I do it?

Kami: Ah, thats a good idea.

K: I could try it, and then we could talk about it on here.

J: Yeh, yeh. And I want you to post your images on Instagram to show what its like.

K: Ahh, ok, ok.

Kami: Let me pick something!

K: Eh?

T: Let Kami select the clothes.

K: Kami? Kami selecting? Im scared, haha.

J: I wonder what a guy who only wears smelly tshirts will choose?...Ok, so would it be styling by Kami?

K: Yeh, yeh, yeh.

J: I do want to see that too.

K: Well, it would be interesting.

J: So, you could wear stuff that us three choose for you.

T: It would show our personalities.

J: Let's try it. We could see which one everyone likes best, get peope to like them on Instagram. An Instagram plan.

T: Thats a good idea. But its also scary. What if they press thumbs down a lot.

J: Like, Booo?

T: Yeh.

K: Well, it doesn't matter which, we could aim for booing.

J: Well, yeh. We could even aim for that.

K: Kami will probably be aiming for that.

J: I thinks so, yeh.

Kami: I'll just follow the crowd.

J: Well, we could try it once, and show the results on here.

K: Yep. Well, lets end here for this week. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Shinkai Hana no Shou Drama CD - What I Believe In

Special thanks to @nollatooru for volunteering as tribute and extracting the text for this drama since there's no way I would written out the text for this anytime soon... or translated this otherwise. this will be only hakuoki drama i translate this month (currently subtitling dramas).

as always, final edits will be done when I get to the video.

Also, i’m sooooo happy right now!!!!

Feeeling supeeeerrrrrrrrrrr excited for the next Dragon Age and Mass Effect games!!!!!! Saw the new teasers from the Game Awards and i still feel over the moon about them! when those games get released, I’m definitely going to be doing nothing aside from playing them... sorry but not sorry? 

lol. i suppose that brings the count of games i’ll put aside all my free time for to four.... tho that would have been 5 (also I would be gaming right now) if I had access to a ps4 right now since Im still waiting to play Cyberpunk 2077. i can’t play that since im lending both the console and my game to my bro right now... and probably won’t get to play it until post-pandemic. ah well.

And I can’t believe Suzuki Shogo is going back to playing Kazama in hakumyu souma-hen! he’s honestly my fave actor from hakumyu!!

anyway, enjoy!

bold text used to indicate something being spoken in the background.

Hakuoki Shinkai Hana no Shou Store Bonus Drama CD: What I believe in

Translation by KumoriYami

Saito: Nn. This is quite good. Such an excellent blade is hardly ever/rarely seen. There are few blades that have been polished to this brightness [reword later. can't figure out how right now]. I'd really like to have/get a closer look at it.

Sakamoto: Oh...? That's a familiar face/a face I recognize/seen before.

Saito: ...! You are.... Sakamoto Ryouma.

Sakamoto: Oh, you remember me!

Saito: People everywhere want your life/There are people after your life everywhere. What are you doing in a place like this?

Sakamoto: well, I'm basically on a walk. Why don't you focus on what you were looking at?

Saito: I was the one who first asked a question.

Sakamoto: Calm down, don't put on such a scary expression/make such a terrible expression. Were you looking at this katana just now?

Saito: Ah, yes.

Sakamoto: Ah! It really is a good katana.... it's understandable why you were fascinated by it.

Saito: Do you know what a katana is/anything about swords?

Sakamoto: Don't look down on me/underestimate me. I was a disciple of Hokushin Ittō-ryū.

Saito: I see. So that's how you're not lacking in this [So that's why you know about the subject/this].

Sakamoto: Well, it doesn't matter.

The future will be for these guys/From now on will the time/age of this guy.

Saito: Guns/A gun.

Sakamoto: Oh. These weapons are the best.

Saito:...Do you mean to say that it's better than a katana/than the sword [check audio later]?

Sakamoto: That's for sure.

No matter how famous the sword, it's like a baby [might change to 'child'] in face of a gun.

So/That's to say that guns are really quite powerful.

Saito: Indeed/It's true that Western guns are outstanding/excellent [check audio for pacing]. Even if that's the case though, that's not to say that swords cannot be compared with guns/ it's not appropriate to assume that a sword is no match for a gun

Sakamoto: Don't get so upset. I also appreciate/value swords, but the era of guns is imminent. That's an indisputable fact.

Saito: No one has ever decided that is fact.

Sakamoto: Eh. It will be difficult for samurai to accept this, but in order to establish a new Japan, guns will be essential. This is guy is my best trusted partner [reword later].

Saito: Is that all you want/have to say?

Sakamoto: That expression looks like you're going to cut someone down [You look you're going to cut someone down/something?]. Nn, in that case, tell me why swords are better than guns.

Saito: Fine. The katana is the soul of a warrior, only by wearing it at the waist---

Sakamoto: Hold it/Wait

Saito: Why are you telling me to stop?

Sakamoto: The spiritual aspects don't matter. Tell me how it's better than a gun

Saito: It doesn't/won't matter what is said/you say.

Sakamoto: Aaah, I also agree with that. But even if I agree, I'll put that aside for now. Right now, I want to ask you to compare the usefulness between swords and guns. 

Saito: Nn. In that case... First of all, swords are better. Regardless of what is said, they can be used in a variety of/many ways. 

Sakamoto: Oh.

Saito: Swords aren't like guns in how they don't rely on bullets to be used. In contrast to how guns can only be used in one way, swords can be used to slash, stab, and so on, [with] different combat techniques that can be adopted to different situations.

Sakamoto: Nn.

Saito: During a fight unexpected things may happen, but even if something unexpected happens, they can be quickly dealt with. 

Sakamoto: Nnnnn. There will be situations where you have no bullets too. But when you're dealing with multiple enemies, don't you think that guns would hold the advantage in wiping them out? 

Saito: uh.

Sakamoto: Furthermore, unlike swords, they can be used to fire from a distance. [check spacing]

Saito: Then don't fight on unfavourable terrain.

Sakamoto: Really, what a stubborn guy. Is there anything else?

Saito: There is how lethal a sword is.

Sakamoto: hey hey [check audio], [you're] saying such a terrible thing so suddenly.

Saito: It's difficult for a bullet to hit a moving enemy. Even if it hits, it is difficult to actually kill or incapacitate them. However, a sword can be used to take another person's life with only a single blow. The importance of this advantage cannot be compared.

Sakamoto: If you're going to say that, then a bullet to the chest, the abdomen or head, will certainly kill. Not only that, there's still a secret I haven't told you yet.

Saito: don't beat around the bush and and tell me.

Sakamoto: hey, you seem interested/looks like you're interested.

Saito: [That's only] Because you're so roundabout.

Sakamoto: Don't worry, I'll tell you. The best thing about this gun, is that it is capable of firing six times. 

Saito: So what about that?

Sakamoto: That firing six times in a row/six rounds/bullets! Don't you think that's great/that'll be hard to deal with?

Saito: That's no different than holding six guns.

Sakamoto: That being said, it's actually impossible to walk around carrying six guns. But this single gun is able to be carried around on one's person. You don't think that's great [check audio for sakamoto earlier sentence]

Nagakura: Saito.... and Sakamoto? Why are you with a guy like this?

Saito: Shinpachi. I met him by chance before leaving.

Nagakura: Incidentally, well, it doesn't look like you're casually talking anyway/just chatting. 

Sakamoto: Oh, you're also in the Shinsengumi. We're actually talking about what weapon is better between swords and guns. What do you think?

Nagakura: So that's it/I see. The Saito is supporting the sword while Sakamoto is in favour of the gun? Although I have a rough idea about what's going on, you're [plural so may change to guys. check audio] too naïve.

Sakamoto: What do you mean by that?

Saito: How are we naïve?

Nagakura: Regardless if you use a sword or a gun, there's something even more important than both of those.

Saito + Sakamoto: What?

Nagakura: Hm.. don't you get it?

Sakamoto: That's to say... 

Nagakura: Exercise to have a body like steel. Look at this remarkable body [check pacing]

Saito: Shinpachi, this the street. [we're on a street outside right now]

Nagakura: This was the fastest way to show you the benefits of exercising.

Sakamoto: Hrm. It's true that your body is pretty amazing, yes, but firing a gun doesn't rely on this sort of thing. 

Saito: Swords too, they shouldn't be randomly waved around with brute force.

Nagakura: Oi, why are you agreeing on such a thing.

Sakamoto: Even if you say that, well....

Nagakura: Hold it/Wait a sec. I also don't think that just having a body and weapon [check audio for "ken" or "juu"] is enough to confront the enemy/I also don't think you could fight against a sword or gun with only a physical body. But, regardless of what you do, it's necessary to train one's body/exercise.

Sakamoto: I see. That's something you'd know/understand.

Nagakura: Of course/That's for sure. Furthermore if studying/practising swordsmanship, you'll also exercise your body, right?

Sakamoto: Indeed, that is exercising a bit.

Saito: Practising swordsmanship can also be considered exercise.

Nagakura: Nn, right. Exercise for the/your body is the foundation of everything

Sakamoto: Hey, has this guy always ben like this? Nagakura: Speaking of which/By the way, training your body/exercising...

Saito: Ah Shinpachi will not stop talking about subject for a while Nagakura: The key is to eat well and getting enough sleep, and all that's left is to believe in your body

Sakamoto: That is troublesome/inconvenient. We're only halfway through our argument. Nagakura: Don't think that's the entire secret to how I train myself.

Saito: It doesn't matter if you continue arguing about it./I don't care if you want to continue arguing this. Nagakura: To tell you the truth, the secret to how I train my body/exercise is....

Sakamoto: No, not today. But even if we don't argue, the imminent age will demand an answer. Then I'll be going [check audio]. I had a good time talking with you.

Saito: a reckless guy as always. [check audio for spacing]

Nagakura: Nn, where's sakamoto/where did sakamoto go?

Saito: he already left/he left earlier/left a while ago.

Nagakura: what? i was going to talk about the highlights next/I was going to talk about the best parts next [ check audio].

Saito: Will the coming era provide an answer? even so, I still believe in this/it.

Nagakura: Nn, did you say something just now?

Saito: It's nothing/No. Shinpachi, let's go.

Nagakura: Oh, alright.

Saito Hajime, Toriumi Kōsuke Nagakura Shinpachi, Tsuboi Tomohiro Sakamoto Ryouma, Ono Daisuke

-----------

image from suruga-ya

For the record, the games I’m waiting for are: Dragon Age 4, the Mass Effect Legendary Edition, Horizon Forbidden West, and whatever new Mass Effect title that is being worked on.

(i think i had to much good news in the last few hours. been smiling like an idiot for three hours now as i subtitle something lol.)

[thewritershelpers]

Improving Your Writing when English Isn’t Your First Language (mega-ask)

As you can see above, we've gotten more than one question about writing, improving your writing, and even publishing in English when it's not your native language. First off: that's awesome. To anyone writing or even consuming in a language that's not your first, kudos to you.

You can google any variation of this question and get different articles with a ton of the same advice, and some with conflicting advice. Not only have I compiled the most commonly repeated information, but I've also reached out to people on our Discord server and others for their personal experiences.

I'll start off by listing concise versions of the advice and then expound on them further on in the article. Remember that we are not experts on your writing and that everyone learns in different ways and at different paces. These are in no particular order.

-be patient

-practice

-get feedback from native sources

-don't undermine yourself to your audience

-Grammarly

-research

-don't get discouraged

Be patient

That's first because, well, duh. Patience is so important for both yourself and your writing. Writing is hard enough of a passion without the added difficulty of doing it in a language that doesn't come naturally. In the world of literature, writing/publishing in your non-native language isn't just a matter of translating words. It requires translating of ideas, concepts, and even cultural norms, which is why just slapping it into Google translate won't work.

Part of the reason for the advice of having patience, too, is that writing in your native language needs to take time. It doesn't really matter how fast you can whip out 20 pages of a first draft--it'll still be a simple first draft. Writing is a craft that requires not just love and passion but time. So what if you need a little bit of extra time--or a lot of extra time--because you're accomplishing a feat most don't even think about attempting?

Next is to practice.

That goes hand in hand with what I said about being patient. Again, writing in and of itself is all about practice and doing it daily (not that I'm an expert on getting that done, but you know). But when it comes to practice another language, there are different ways you can do that. You can reach out to native speakers (for English, there are going to be so many people willing to help, even just in our community! you just need to ask) and practice having conversations or ask them to look over your work. Practice by turning on your favorite movie or TV show in English with subtitles in your native language. Watch videos on YouTube, find a Spotify playlist/podcast, in your target language. There's also plenty of people who have done what you're trying to do who have shared their experiences and what helped them on those same platforms.

Get feedback from native speakers

This is a bit of an expansion on what I mentioned in the previous paragraph. In my experience, and from what others have shared, writing in a non-native language can be pretty clinical. Writing with figurative language or in metaphors won't be as easy or come as naturally as it does in your own language. Things like idioms and even pop cultures reference aren't always going to translate even if you have the exact words. That's where native speakers come into play. If they're willing to look over your work, whether as a friend or in an editorial position, they can give you advice about whether the wording in one spot sounds clunky or if a phrase doesn't make sense or if there're synonyms for what you already used to help convey your message even stronger.

Don't undermine yourself

This is something that I personally am saying. It's not mentioned on any of the linked sites, and no one I talked to said it. But as someone who is a native English speaker (and even has a degree in it) I think this is super important. This point goes towards native English speakers/writers, too. Don't undersell yourself and undermine your work to the audience before they have even picked it up. Disclaimers are different, and it all comes down to the words you use and how you use them. Let your readers know, whether it's people on AO3 or a literary agent, that English isn't your first language. Let them know concisely that they may find some basic errors--but stop there. Don't grovel. You have nothing to apologize for, especially once you've given that warning (those is it really a warning? what's so dangerous or scary about a few mistakes?). You're writing is not going to be any less of an accomplishment for a few grammatical errors, or mistranslated phrases, or even typos. I've seen so many mistakes in published works that it's kind of ridiculous. But if you put something out there for someone to read and in the same breath say "I don't know that this is worth reading" I'm going to need extra convincing to pick it up. *kicks soapbox away*

Grammarly

*NOT sponsored*

Grammarly is a wonderful tool that you can use, for FREE. It not only (with the free version) helps correct spelling and grammar, but can also help point out the tone you're writing with. For example, right now, Grammarly is telling me that this writing sounds mostly informative--which it's meant to be--and a little appreciative and friendly. When sending emails I've had it tell me that it sounds formal (which I was going for), and I've also had it not say anything because the text was a different kind of writing (like when I'm proof-reading something being posting it on AO3...). I honestly don't know what else it helps with once you've paid because I've been happily using the free version for about 3 years now.

Research

Don't be afraid to pick up a book, or head to the library, or pull up Google. Research is paramount to writing anyway, let alone once you're doing it in another language. Your research options are limitless and can include your mutuals on social media as well as those dictionaries that translate from one language into another. Research can also include (in my humble opinion) binge-watching/reading your favorite things...in English. In four years of university, one of the most frequently said things was to improve your writing 1) write every day and 2) read every day. You're never going to learn from worrying or overthinking, and you're also never going to learn from just doing DuoLingo (that's more conversational than literary anyway).

Something a member of Discord specifically said in relation to research was to look at morphology, at the roots of words (and root words). Morphology is, in linguistics, looking at how words are formed. For example, let's look at "biology". There are parts to this word that each has a different meaning, that formed together created a new/elevated meaning. "ology" means the study of something, and bio means life. So biology is, simply, the study of life. Once you've got those basics of things like "ology" under your belt it'll become easier to not just translate words but the concepts (if this works with your learning style).

Last but not least, don't get discouraged.

Writers of all kinds get discouraged when writing in their native language. Even those of us who speak English as our first language make mistakes worth discouragement (you will never know how many typos were corrected by Grammarly as I wrote this all out the first time). English is not an easy language. It's not the hardest, but it's far from easy (learning another language isn't easy regardless of what languages are involved). This is a post from someone who is a non-native English speaker but you would never know unless they told us.

While researching for this, I found some articles/blog posts that said mostly the same thing, and are where I got some of the information

This one is from a native English speaker giving advice

This one is for writing for non-native English readers, but still has good advice

And finally this one is a blog post (I think) from someone who is a non-native English speaker!

In specific response to some of the asks:

English, like any other language, changes. It's a very dynamic language, actually, and from region to region, there will not only be different accents but different frames of reference. 1950 isn't so far back in time for the English to be drastically different from what is spoken today, but I'm in the USA and you're asking about Oxford. English in England has very different nuances, even more so than you would get between California and Texas and New York. This is a link to the Oxford English Dictionary list of words that became more common in the 50s. However, this is a generalized list, not specific to any English-speaking country let alone region or city. If you're wanting to look at how to convey the accent of people from/in Oxford, there are videos on YouTube of people speaking in different accents so that you can have an idea, a comparison, at least in your own mind. With the 50s it's going to be more just thinking really of what words and lifestyles and things weren't around yet; cell phones didn't exist yet. Here's another link to some stock images of Oxford in the 50s. Remember, this time was very close to WWII so there'll be lingering effects of that, especially in England.

About fight scenes and curses, there's a ton of resources on that. If you just search "fight" on our page, you'll get a ton of posts answering that question. Also, here's a link to a superb and excellent source on writing fight scenes. When it comes to curses...just watch Rage Quit on YouTube, or spend a while on TikTok. If you want to dive right in just Google "English curses" and there'll be YouTube videos, entries on Urban Dictionary, you name it.

When it comes to publishing, once you've gotten your manuscript is a perfect time to have a native-speaking friend look it over. Whether editing is their thing or not, they'll be able to help with the things that are really obvious. I don't have any experience publishing in a different language, though, so there might be other resources along the different stages to help you. Some general publishing advice I've gotten: when wanting to publish fiction, literature, start small. Start with short stories in literary journals, online and in print. You really can't make much headway with large publishing houses without a literary agent and it'll be easier to attract one if you have evidence that you can write, and write well enough people want to read it. When it comes to poetry, just start submitting. Get familiar with the process, and educate yourself on things like simultaneous submissions and a good rejection. Publishing is an ever-changing game that isn't cut and dry in any language or country. We can't tell you what's best, but my advice is to go with your gut and try your best. Don't be afraid to try again, too.

Everyone overthinks their writing. Or at least, everyone I know who writes does. Honestly, in my opinion, if you're not overthinking at least a little bit, you're not worried enough. You will never be able to fully know whether you've explained or described enough. A good chunk of the experience is up to the readers, so you have to leave them some wiggle room for imagination. But that doesn't mean you have to cheapen your story or short-change your characters. You mention specifically that you're POC, which I'm gonna guess also means that your characters will be POC. It's never too much to specify the race/ethnicity of your characters, even in a fantasy work. How you go about writing those descriptions might need to change but it's kind of like chocolate chips, in my mind: you decide those things with your soul.

So, there you have it. A ridiculously long way to say: you're awesome, you do you, practice, love yourself and your writing, and don't be afraid to put yourself out there (in any way).

(images read:

Anonymous said: Im writing a book based in Oxford in 1950s. how was the language different from now. I am not from an English speaking country at all. Never been outside my country either. And Im going to write a book based in England in English

Anonymous said: Hi there, I’m a writer for almost 3 years now but since English isn’t my first language I get discouraged easily if things I write come off strange to myself. Do you maybe have any advice for me, on how to motivate myself and not comparing myself with native English speakers? Thank you in advance!

Anonymous said: Hello! I starting to work on this shortfic but it’s been really hard. It’s like I’m trying to building a house alone and with my bare hands. Even though I’m already used to write in mother tongue. Any advice for non-english speaker trying to write their first story in English?

Yaelburstine said: Hi. Do you have any tips about how to write a good fight scene and curses that people speak English get cus’ it’s not my first language

gyger said: I am not a native english speaker, but most of the books I read are in english and I generally prefer writing in english as well. However, I am worried about making mistakes that I can’t recognize myself. I have no idea how good my english is to a native english speaker, plus some things are easier to write in my native tongue (such as dialogue). I’m also worried about publishing, since that definitely would be easier in my country than abroad. How do I decide what language to choose?

Anonymous said: As a POC writer and English as their second language, I overthink all the writing I do. I feel like I don’t describe my ideas thoroughly or my character descriptions are vague or not good enough. I’m currently working on a YA novel but I plan on writing a YA fantasy novel but I feel like my lack of vocabulary and grammar structure makes me give up on finishing my book. Is this normal for native English speaking authors or is this considered a language barrier thing? Thanks! Love your blog!

Thank you for your questions, and for your patience as we do our best to answer them.

-S

[all-of-the-above]

Being a woman today

As a woman in today’s world, you may feel…

a)     Insecure

b)    Body conscious

c)     Unpopular

d)    Not pretty enough

e)    Not perfect enough

f)      Weak

g)     Scared

h)    Unsatisfied

i)      Pressured

j)      All of the above?

Well, I think most of us can say me too. One thing I think we know for certain is that we are not alone in how we feel, yet the world can still make us feel like the odd one out. You see, being a woman is entirely one thing, but to be one in the society we have today is another. We face so many different things, fight for so many rights and are still put down, shamed and ignored. To feel uncomfortable in this world I think is honest and true. I hear you, so many of us are listening its just not enough. Who knew those princess stories weren’t true?

To be male or female in our society is highly pressurising, but I think we can all agree it is more so for women. Social media has infiltrated our lives, bringing connection, laughter and creativity but also pressure, bad body images, abuse and suffering. We scroll through pictures and think this is how I should look, why am I not that skinny, why don’t I have her hair, my teeth aren’t perfect, my lips are too small, I should wear more makeup, but also, I shouldn’t wear too much makeup. I need that outfit, I should go there, I need to be that happy, I should have that by now. No. Stop. Stop hurting yourself, stop hurting your body image, stop hurting your mental health. Take a breather, step back. No one is that happy all the time, no one looks like that 24/7. Stop comparing yourself to others, stop putting yourself down and wishing you could be more. You are already enough, and I know it is hard and it is tough, but so are you. Since when did life become this huge competition sometimes with complete strangers? Why put yourself through more stress just to look good for people who don’t really care. We consistently want something we don’t have and forget what we do have. You don’t need to post every time you do something just to show off. You don’t need to edit your photos so much that you lose yourself. You need to be you, post reality, post if and when you please, post for you. Stop editing and instead start loving what you see, embrace your ‘flaws’, your individuality. Life is for living, for real conversation, for smiles and for sunsets, for food, for music, for friends, for family, not for a screen that makes you feel unhappy in who you are. Stop competing, stop wishing to look like them or be like them, stop scrolling and start being you each and every day and don’t hide it from the world, share it, make a change, be someone who posts life and inspire others to stop wasting precious time editing and putting down and under appreciating themselves and their life.

Something else that really bugs me is the cost of being a woman. Why is everything so much more expensive? No, I don’t want to hear all that rubbish about women being the bigger consumers okay, I get it, we all do, but its still no reason for such stark differences. Why can a man get is hair cut for £10 whilst I have to pay £40 and up? So, women’s hairstyles can be more complicated, okay, but that’s a lot of money! Why is my plain white top £10 whilst his is £5, there’s no difference? Oh, and last time I checked sanitary products still cost. Those are not cheap, it is something we haven’t even chosen, we have no choice, but have to pay for it? What’s all that about? And why in the hell are they considered a luxury? It is a necessity, a healthy and clean way of caring for our bodies and they should be available everywhere for everyone, free of charge. But no. We pay again. And not only this but men have the gall to say periods aren’t painful, we shouldn’t be so moody, there’s no need it’s just natural. You see they refuse to understand, to listen, to help. A Professor of reproductive health at University College London, John Guillebaud, told Quartz that patients have described the cramping pain as 'almost as bad as having a heart attack.' Even a fact like that isn’t believed. Yet again women feel another form of pressure to be a certain way, to deal with it and move on. We are told to look certain ways, so we buy the latest fashion instead of being mocked, we cut our hair to just simply keep it healthy, we get our nails done, our eyebrows, eyelashes, we tan, we wax, we shave. We do so much, yet still pay more. How is it fair that we should pay more for things that men have too (like a haircut) when we also have so many other expenses. To be a woman means to feel under constant pressure. Maybe we don’t need to update our wardrobe every year, or consistently get our nails done, okay, but I think the point still stands. To be a woman is not cheap, it’s not easy, it’s not for the faint hearted, it’s tough.

A woman feels pressure from many aspects of society, and I know one in particular is clothes. We can feel insecure and even scared to wear a particular outfit to a particular place at a particular time. Why is that a thing? How is that fair? Its not. I should be able to walk down the street in a dress and not be starred at by men that are old enough to be my dad. I shouldn’t worry that someone may take my outfit as an invitation. I should be able to wear what I want and not be called out for it. Why am I starred at for wearing leggings and a top yet when I wear jogging bottoms and a large sweater, I’m invisible? You see sometimes it’s like a disguise, a safety net, a comfort blanket. My own invisibility cloak where I can go out and feel maybe just that bit safer, less looked upon, freer. This isn’t right, we shouldn’t be creating a world where girls are scared to wear skirts, to wear shorts or a dress or even jeans or leggings. Girls shouldn’t feel scared to wear their clothes. We don’t take a guy walking around with no top on and shorts as an invitation do we? So why take a girl in a dress, more covered up than a guy like that, as an invitation? I think we’ve proved that even at this point sometimes it doesn’t matter what you wear, its still scary out there. So how on earth have we built a society where women now could wear a mini skirt or high-vis coat and still be taken advantage of, still abused, used and even killed? Its wrong. Why is being a woman labelled as easy, that we don’t have to do much or worry about much. If you listened, looked, read, researched, you would see just how hard it is. It’s not easy, it’s scary, it’s pressurising, it’s tough.

To be a woman today means to be tough, it means to have a hard shell, to be prepared for the world, to support yourself, to love yourself as much as possible and feel comfortable in who you are. It means to be satisfied in your life and in you, whilst trying to not let the world around you scar your skin. This is for all the women out there, I hope you know you are not alone, you a brave, beautiful, bold and brilliant. The world is cruel but don’t let it stop you, know you are strong and capable of so many things. Know that who you are right now is more than enough.

[chappybird]

How to Get Roleplay on F-List: A Guide

Hey all. So I’ve had a few people ask me how on earth to get RP over F-List, or for those that have tried, say its too confusing. While F-List is a much different format than I think a lot of people are used to, it’s a pretty reliable source of RP once you get used to it. So I’m going to walk you through, step by step, how to start from nothing and get a profile set up to start RPing. F-List is 18+ Only and is a Restricted To Adults® Verified website. You can learn more about it by clicking the RTA logo at the bottom of f-list’s main page.

F-list’s main landing page can be located at https://www.f-list.net/.

Note that my f-list may look different from yours because I’m using dark mode (which can be set in the account tab) and I’m a subscriber, so I don’t see ads.

Step One: Make a Profile

Making a profile, or as they’re known on F-List, a character, is your jumping off point for getting started. There are three main factions on F-List: Anthro Characters, Canon Characters, and Original Characters, with subcategories of each. You also have hub profiles. There is a right way to make a hub profile, but that’s not something I’ll be talking about on this post. Hub profiles are pretty universally disliked on F-List and are often seen as a mark of laziness, and I do not recommend making one to look for RP on. You should make a separate Profile for each character you want to play as. If you have a normal account, you can make up to 150 different characters. If you’re a subscriber, you can make significantly more than that depending on your tier. 

Choosing a name for your character is very important! You want something attention grabbing, but since each character has to have a unique name, this can get a little tricky. Today I’m choosing to create a Link from the Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time. As this is a popular character, it can be difficult to track down a good name. You can be clever with naming conventions, while making it obvious who you’re playing, or you can add in underscores, hyphens, numbers, etc. It’s really up to personal preference. I advise not getting too abstract with your character name. Just pick something easy to read and to the point. Once you’ve decided on a name, click the create character button to open up the character editor.

Step Two: Holy Fuck Dude That’s a Lot of Shit To Fill Out

Take a deep breath. The character editor is very intimidating to those that haven’t used F-List before. Perhaps you have used F-List for it’s old intended purpose, just to list your kinks to link people to when RPing on other sites. Your first instinct might be to scroll down there and start picking kinks willy-nilly. Stop. In the grand scheme of things, this is not as important for getting Roleplay and if you do it incorrectly you might actually hurt your chances.

Now that we’ve calmed down you’ll notice two things at the top of the page. A big white text field, and this guy:

This, more than anything on your profile, is the most important thing. If you have this on profile, you will almost never get any roleplay. This is your character icon, and it’s the first step on your journey to doing this whole thing correctly. All you need to do is find an image that’s 300x300 pixels or smaller and upload it with the Choose File button. Then scroll down to the very bottom of the page and hit save. Search on google, and if you have a hard time finding something of that size, A great site to use is https://lunapic.com/ to edit pics if you don’t have Photoshop or Gimp. Choosing or creating an image with some sort of transparency layer is recommended because it makes your icon look more polished, but you don’t really need to do that. This isn’t an image software guide so I’ll leave that to you to figure out. If all you can do is crop an image into a square, that will do perfectly. But you need to have something here. Besides your character name, it’s the first impression you’re going to give to people when using the site. I have honest to god had people message me on empty profiles that having nothing but a character name and an icon. 

Sourcing your images is a bit of a grey area on f-list. It’s not really an art sharing site, but if you choose fanart that someone doesn’t want to be reposted, it can be removed by the mods if you’re reported for it. So we’ll just use some official art that already has a transparency channel and crop it using Lunapic.

Step Three: How To Set the Profile Up

If you’re following along, you should have something like this by now. This already gives us an idea of who you’re playing, and what they look like, and while you might get a couple of weirdos messaging you already, there’s still a lot to do. So let’s go over what to do next.

Now that you’ve already created a character, it will be listed under the character tab. Further characters will be listed in alphabetical order. Navigate to your character and click the “Edit” button underneath their icon.

We’re back to the big scary page. Remember that big text field? We’re going to ignore everything else and focus on this first.

F-List uses standard BBC code tags with [square brackets.] You can find some buttons that will give you tools like bold, italics, color, hyperlinks, and quote blocks. There are many different ways to create eye-catching descriptions. I would say the three basic ways are minimalist, inline based, and heavy BBC code. We’ll go through the first option in detail but if you’re interested in the the latter, there is actually a few F-List profiles that teach coding and even have a few templates to use. User beware, though. Many F-List users use these templates and they can sometimes look a bit generic as they are overused.

Templates: https://www.f-list.net/c/profile%20templates

Coding Help: https://www.f-list.net/c/profile%20references

If you want to make an inline based profile, having access to software like Illustrator, Photoshop, GIMP, and similar content is good to have as well. You can also make a blend of the three styles of profiles. I’ll link some examples of my own profiles for reference. Some of these have text included in the inline. Some of them just have an image with the text written out underneath. Again, it’s really up to your personal preference.

https://www.f-list.net/c/Rival%20II/

https://www.f-list.net/c/Lion%20Heart/

https://www.f-list.net/c/The%20Fire%20of%20Tamaran/

Now would also be a great time to familiarize yourself with the rules. Keep an eye on these, especially if you play contentious content.

https://wiki.f-list.net/Code_of_Conduct

Some big things to look out for and not to do: Photographs and realistic images of animals are not allowed. Even Nonsexual ones. Photographs and 3D renders of minors (even nonsexual images or nonsexual profiles) are not allowed. If there is even a hint of the character being a minor, do not use photographic or 3D renders. (For example: Tom Holland’s depiction of Spiderman. Even though Tom Holland was an adult when he played the role, the character is a minor.) Sometimes these can run into a lot of grey areas, but it’s better safe than sorry!

Step Four: Creating A Minimalist Profile

We’ll start with a short description. It’s really important to make sure your character’s name is present in your descriptio, especially if it’s not the profile name. If you’re feeling particularly lazy, you can copypaste something from a wiki or official description. Let’s start with something like this.

Link had humble beginnings as a boy that lived in the forest with the Kokiri. Known as the boy without a fairy, Link led a simple life until one day, the dying Guardian of the forest, the Deku Tree, set him upon a Quest to save the Kingdom of Hyrule from darkness. Arming himself with the elemental powers of Hyrule and the legendary Master Sword, Link journeyed through time to the Dark Era of Hyrule to challenge the evil Ganondorf and save his Kingdom from evil.

Shoving this into the Description box and hitting save will generate something like this.

You might notice that this looks like crap. And it does! however, we can very easily fix that with the power of just three simple BBC tags. Those being [center], [color], and [sub]. plus a little something extra I’ll explain in a moment. Let’s add those in like so.

[center][color=green][sub]Link had humble beginnings as a boy that lived in the forest with the Kokiri. Known as the boy without a fairy, Link led a simple life until one day, the dying Guardian of the forest, the Deku Tree, set him upon a Quest to save the Kingdom of Hyrule from darkness. Arming himself with the elemental powers of Hyrule and the legendary Master Sword, Link journeyed through time to the Dark Era of Hyrule to challenge the evil Ganondorf and save his Kingdom from evil.[/sub][/color][/center]

Instead of hitting save at the bottom of the profile this time, we’re going to click “Preview BBC Code” to get a look at what our coding has done.

Fancy.

But it could use a little work. When I’m making minimalist profiles, I like to make the lines of text a little shorter so it’s a little easier to read and looks nicer. Make sure each line of text is about the same length as the previous (minus any BBC tags)

[eicon]blank[/eicon] [center][color=green][sub]Link had humble beginnings as a boy that lived in the forest with the Kokiri. Known as the boy without a fairy, Link led a simple life until one day, the dying Guardian of the forest, the Deku Tree, set him upon a Quest to save the Kingdom of Hyrule from darkness. Arming himself with the elemental powers of Hyrule and the legendary Master Sword, Link journeyed through time to the Dark Era of Hyrule to challenge the evil Ganondorf and save his Kingdom from evil.[/sub][/color][/center] [eicon]blank[/eicon]

You’ll also notice that I placed an eicon tag with a “blank” body. Eicons are essentially image macros that can be used all over the site. Using the blank one here is a good way to put a block of empty space on the top and bottom so the text isn’t too crowded by the frame of the description box. Another couple to keep in mind are [eicon]under construction[/eicon] or [eicon]WIP[/eicon] if you want to save your work now and get right to chatting and exploring the site. This signifies that you’re still working on your profile and more will be added later. You can create your own eicons by going to Account > Icon gallery. Keep in mind each eicon must have a unique name across all users. Inputting this into the description and checking how it looks in the preview, we end up getting something that looks like this:

Looks like we got a bookmark while we were setting the profile up. That means someone saw us while browsing new characters and decided they want to keep an eye on our profile and are likely interested in RPing! If you like, you can disable bookmarks per character in the character editor under settings. Generally speaking though, bookmarks are your friend and it’s how people will find you to RP later.

Optionally if you want to add an inline, just upload an image of your choice in Account > Inline Images. You can then add it in the character editor using this button.

This isn’t a tutorial for creating inlines, but a general rule is to make sure it’s sized well, and transparent images tend to look better than non-transparent images.

Step Five: Character Details

Opening the Character Editor once more, a couple basic things should be filled out. We will take this section by section.

Settings: Some general tweaks to change and edit. Personally, I like to turn my timezone off, and besides that, I like to have my Guestbook and Bookmarks turned on as well, but all of these settings are up to you. A big one a I suggest turning on is “Custom Kinks Sort First.” This will come up later but it’s good to turn it on.

Character List: For now, you can ignore this part. You can use this to have certain characters grouped together and will show up in the sidebars of these characters. I haven’t run into any limits for how many character lists you can have, but keep in mind a character can only belong to one list at a time.

Images: If you have any images you want to upload, this is the place to do it. Headcanons of body types, additional art you’ve drawn or found, can be added here. You can add descriptions to each image that will appear when a user hovers over the image. Keep in mind, again, that usage of fan art is a grey area on F-List. It’s not an image posting site, but some artists do not want their art reposted at all.

Profile Info: You don’t need to fill out every single detail here. Bits that aren’t filled in will just not appear on your profile. It’s a good idea to fill out your gender, and in many cases, your orientation. Both are under General Details. Filling out RPing preferences is also a good idea. It’ll keep people from approaching you IC using first person posts if that’s not your thing.

Step Six: Kinks and Custom Kinks

This is probably one of the most overwhelming parts of the process. My first tip: Ignore the Kink section for now. Instead, skip ahead to the Custom Kink section.

Custom Kinks are a good way to tell people what you really want. Click the Add +1 Custom Kink button to make a new custom kink. You can fill out the basic title of the kink, and a description. Or if you prefer to leave the description blank, just press the spacebar. Select what category you want the kink to appear in (Fave, Yes, Maybe, No.) Try to avoid using inflammatory language against different races, genders, identities, and don’t kinkshame. This is a site based primarily around finding rpers that have the same interests and kinks that you do. Save the profile when you’re done and we’ve got something like this.

And really, you can probably start roleplaying like this. Maybe add a couple of images, and tweak a few things. So if you like, skip to the next step. But for now, I’ll go over the kink list.

The most important think to remember is you don’t have to add every single kink to your profile. Try to select the most relevant things, and avoid redundancies. 

For example, I’m not interested in Vore of any kind. So I can put the kinks Vore (Being Predator) and Vore (Being Prey) Into my No category. Or, if I want to make it even more simplified, I can add a custom Vore kink and put that in my No category. Likewise, if I don’t want to do any sex driven play, I can probably go ahead and just put sex driven there and ignore most of the kink list. Kinks that are not relevant such as Vaginal Sex (Receiving) on a cis male can also be ignored. Kinks are broken up into sections, and while it is a lot, just take your time, go through it sensibly, and take a break if you want to. Remember you don’t have to add every single one to your profile. This will ultimately be easier on you and make your profile easier to read. 

After a bit of editing, this is what my kink list ends up looking like:

You can try exploring the Subfetish editor but it’s a little confusing to navigate and isn’t very necessary. And now, your profile is done!

Step Six: Using F-Chat

 So now that we have a profile set up, it’s time to find some partners. Regardless of what way you want to connect, if you prefer script or para, the main place you’re going to find RP is through F-Chat. There is currently both a desktop and mobile client. if you select Chat you’ll see the option for both, and clicking on them will take you to instructions on how to set those up. We will however be using the Browser client in this example. Go ahead and select F-Chat 3.0.

You will be taken to a landing page with a drop down of your characters, with the first character you created selected as the default. (You can change your default character in your account settings.) You can have up to three characters online at once. Keep in mind this goes by IP address, so if you have a roommate that also uses F-List, those will count towards your total number of online characters. If this becomes a problem for you, just use a virtual machine or connect to the internet via a different method, such as with data. (F-List is not that much of a data drain.)

Here is what you’ll see when you open F-Chat. You’ll see I already have people in my friends list and my bookmarks (that I’ve blurred out for courtesy.) These will appear the same on all the characters you sign in as. I will be notified whenever one of my friends signs in or sets a status. You can set these notifications to show only on the console if you’d like to in the settings. Let’s set a status first.

Here, you have the options of selecting from the default Online status to Looking, Away, Busy, and Do Not Disturb. These all do what you’d expect, with Do Not Disturb turning off the sound that would play when you get notifications from personal messages or pings.

The Status Message is an optional addition, and it’s great for if you’re looking for specific things or want your friends and bookmarks to know what you’re doing. Be careful not to post anything that breaks F-Lists code of conduct. F-List does have an aggregate of every status you ever posted logged on their server, so throwing a temper tantrum and posting something inappropriate and then taking it back later might still get you in trouble.

While the Character Search Option is available to you, I’ve personally never found it very effective. You can search users by kinks, but keep in mind it doesn’t search by gender or orientation, or what species or even if they’re canon or original. Instead, we’ll go right to the settings tab.

General: Just your general settings. You have a few options here to tweak and while most of it is personal preference, I’ll highlight a few to keep in mind.

Disallowed BBC Code Tag: good for if you find a particular colour particularly garish as a text colour, or if you find an eicon that you no longer want to see anymore. Enter Sends Messages: I have this set to off so I can avoid accidentally sending a message for when I post. When this is enabled, just press the send button on screen to send messages. Otherwise, if you want to linebreak in one post, just press Shift + Enter. Animate eicons: If you’re running a slow computer, or have a slow connection, turn this to off. Eicons are used as memes a lot in F-Chat, and some of them can get a little ridiculous. (Someone has compressed the entire Shrek movie into an eicon and uploaded to the site in very poor quality for example.) There can also be bright flashing colours or even nsfw images. In general these eicons are all 100x100 pixels in size, but some users like to tile them together to create bigger images so it can sometimes get out of hand. This is something up to personal preference, and while I have Animate eicons turned on, I can see why some people wouldn’t like it. Idle Timer: If you are the kind of person that walks away from your computer without changing your status, or you have fallen asleep with F-Chat open, it’s good to set this to a reasonable time. If you’re in Online or Looking, after you’ve been inactive for the depicted number of seconds, your status will be set to Idle. This is so other users know that you’re not ignoring them if you don’t respond to their messages. A downside to this is if you’re tabbed out or multitasking, it’ll set you to idle when you may not intend it to and going back to the window switches you to Online again. It can be a little spammy if you’re constantly switching between Online and Idle. Font Size: If you find F-Chat’s font too big or too small, you can edit that here.

Notifications: While this section is pretty self explanatory, I’d like to specifically go over the Custom Highlight Notify Words.

Now, because each profile has to have a unique name, you might want to select additional pings. For example I might want to add Link,Zelda,Hyrule,Hero,Hero of Time to my list. Everything is comma seperated and not case sensitive. There are a few things to keep in mind.

Common word pings: If I add Link to my list of pings, I might get pinged whenever someone talks about a url link, or a chain link, or any other common use of the word link. It therefore might be better to not use the word. If you have a profile name that is a common word, it might be better to also uncheck the option for Notify Messages Containing your name.

Similar Profiles: If there’s another Link in chat, then I will be notified everytime someone refers to him by name as well. This is less of a problem on more niche characters, but it’s something to keep in mind! You can set pings by room, so perhaps a solution to this is using Link as a highlight word in the Canon Characters room, but not using it as a highlight word in the Nintendo room. More about how to do that later.

Hidden Users: Pretty self explanatory once click over. If you keep seeing an ad you dislike, you can hide all advertisements from said user (re: character) going forward. Keep in mind this is not your block list.

Import: If you make two profiles and want to have these settings copied from one to the other, just log into the profile you want to import to, and select the profile you want to import from. Make sure to go back to change your pings if needed.

Lastly, we’ll be looking at the channel section. 

You might be starting to be overwhelmed again, and that’s okay. There are a lot of options, but most of the time, you’ll only want to select the options that are relevant to us. Check off the list of rooms you want to open a tab for. These will begin to be added to your sidebar. the number in brackets signifies the number of users thats joined that room. By default, this list is most popular to least popular, but I personally prefer alphabetical. There may be some channels that you find inappropriate, offensive, or contentious, but your best bet is to ignore those parts of the site. It’s an Adult site that is heavily moderated by a mixture of paid and volunteer staff. Every effort is made to ensure that no real people get hurt, but it is understood that as an adult, you are responsible for curating the content that you consume. This is one of the fundamental principals that F-List is built upon.

For now, I’m going to go with Canon Characters and Canon Characters OOC from this list.

You will also notice an Open Room tab. Unlike the Official Channels which are moderated by F-List staff, Open Rooms are chat rooms created by the userbase, and moderated by the userbase. While the standard F-List code of content is applicable to all areas of the site, special rules may apply in these rooms, and you’ll find things like rooms dedicated to certain kinks, species, and fandoms. I can try searching for a few things I think might be applicable to me, such as Hyrule, Zelda, Nintendo, and Elf. Some of those get hits, and some of those don’t. I can also check them off to add them to my list. (Note that search terms have to be entered one at a time. I cannot search for multiple things at once.)

Once you’ve selected the channels and rooms you want to join, you can click and drag on the tabs to reorder them on the sidebar. If you’d like to pin a chat, You can just press the little push pin symbol, which will then turn green. (You can do this for User Messages as well.) This means when you sign out, these chats will still be there when you sign back in. Note that settings and pinned chats are device by device only, and furthermore, channels and logs will not carry over between characters.

Make sure to read the description of each room you join. There are often specific rules (such as no ooc talk in the canon characters room, and no male characters in the lesbians room.) Clicking the gear will allow you to change settings on a per-room basis.

Step Seven: Actually Finding some RP

Now, after all that effort, we’re finally ready to find some RP. You have a few options on how to do this.

You could just join a few rooms and set your status to looking with a status message on what you want, but this is considered very passive. You may get some people that reach out (As you saw, someone had bookmarked my Link less than an hour after I made the profile before logging into f-chat.) But your best bet is one of three options.

Look at the Ads: Whenever you’re in a room that allows ads, you will sometimes notice a differently coloured message fly by looking for roleplay. This is an ad. If you see one that seems to fit what you have to offer, you can right-click on their username and select “Open Conversation.” A chat window will be open under the PMs section on your sidebar. You can view this conversation like you would a channel. Keep in mind that users are not notified if you open a conversation with them, only if you send them a message.

Create an Ad: Make sure you are in a room or channel that allows ads by checking the description, you can select the ad tab in the lower right hand corner above the text input box to write an ad instead of a chat message.

Making a normal chat post saying “hey does anyone want to roleplay with me” is considered spam and could result in the mods having a word with you.

You have similar tools to what you do in the character descriptions, and clicking each one will automatically place the tags in the text box, with the eyeball being a preview and the question mark being a how to. You want your ads to stand out, but you don’t want them to be too obnoxious. Take a look at what kind of ads other people are posting to get an idea of what’s expected.

Talk to Others: And lastly, you can just play in public rooms or chat with people in ooc channels. This is a great way for others to sample what you’re like to play with and vice versa, or even just to get to know potential partners. In my general experience, you’ll have more luck finding people to play with long term in the user created Open Rooms than in the Official Channels, but ever case is different. There are a vast number of styles, methods of RP, and types of partners you can find.

That’s basically the ins and outs of F-List! The more you’ll use it, the more you’ll understand how it works and the social etiquette on the platform. Like many sites, it certainly has it’s share of dark corners and flaws, but all in all it’s a pretty good website to find people to play with! Have fun!

[jacksvnshine]

Stray Kids Rising and Midheavens | My Guesses

I haven’t made a post in a while and Stray Kids stole my heart at the beginning of 2019, making this a cute way to celebrate my first year with the boys~

Disclaimer: These are not confirmed and purely my own theory and opinion. Feel free to share your own guesses and opinions with me; I’d love to get a discussion going!

Chan | Sagittarius Rising | Virgo Midheaven

Sagittarius Risings are adored for their bright demeanor, their wide smiles and infectious laughter. With an athletic frame to match also, I feel Chan fits this rising sign best. He always tries to maintain an optimistic attitude and sees it as his duty to spread cheer and relief to everyone around him. His Sun and Moon could also be possibly placed in his 11th House then, further showing his altruism and selflessness towards both loved ones and strangers as he sees the world, on a whole, as his community. A Virgo Midheaven would make his priority in his career to be to help others. Chan is always trying to spread positive and empathetic messages through his music and vlives and is incredibly honest about dark topics that a lot of idols shy away from. He is incredibly kind and selfless, working himself tirelessly to help his fellow members and his fans. The combination of sunny and energetic demeanor with a hardworking ethic and kind heart for everyone around him has me believe Chan to be a Sagittarius Rising and Virgo Midheaven and we truly don’t deserve this sweetheart.

Alternative Guess: Capricorn Rising

Minho | Gemini Rising | Pisces Midheaven

This boy is such a tease so it can be easy to place him as a Scorpio Rising, especially with all his Scorpio personal placements. However, I felt his unpredictable nature fit Gemini more. One minute, he’s chatty and joking along and then completely shuts up the next. Air risings are also mistaken for flirting when often it is just their sense of humor, and Minho is the master of teasing and creating tension only to laugh right in your face when you actually get flustered. Gemini Risings are associated with having more narrow or dainty features due to Mercury influence, and Minho is a very pretty boy whose features are less intimidating but rather delicate (his hands are almost as small as Felix but everyone seems to forget that lol). Gemini Risings have a sense of mischief to them, with innocent smiles that look as though they’re plotting their next prank. Not the sultry smirk, but the naughty child’s grin. A Pisces Midheaven may pursue careers in the arts and they often have a natural flair for creativity, being able to tune into their imagination and sensitivity to the world around them. They are talented artists and musicians and we all know how great of a dancer Minho is!

Alternative Guess: Scorpio Rising

Changbin | Scorpio Rising | Leo Midheaven

Changbin’s deadpan neutral expression and intimidating presence has me convinced he’s a Scorpio Rising. Each Scorpio Rising I know has deep, intense eyes and strong bone structures with prominent jaws and chins, which we all know is one of the things that his members like to tease relentlessly. They’re always shrouding themselves in dark clothing too; “I love dark”. His Mars and even Pluto could be placed in the 1st House also, adding to his scary yet sexy image. He’s the kind of person that leaves an impression on others, usually one of intimidation or superiority and it has been noted by the members that he stood out particularly in training for his intensity and dedication. Mars in the 1st can also indicate someone who is athletic and this little fluffer right here cannot get enough of himself and his muscles (I hate him and he’s my bias ffs). Mars in the 1st can also indicate someone who tends to get injured often as they are rough or careless with themselves, and Changbin is too clumsy for his own safety sometimes. A Leo Midheaven would have him pursue creative or entertainment careers and I think that one is self-explanatory! It also shows that he has a confident and amicable public image, making him popular with his peers and desired by those outside his social circle, which we can see in his friendships with other idols such as Wooyoung from Ateez. He wants to be a leader or role model to others, to set a good example and constantly push himself to become even better. Essentially, a born entertainer who seems to flourish most in the spotlight.

Alternative Guess: Aries Rising

Hyunjin | Pisces Rising | Sagittarius Midheaven

Though he’s known for being just a little bit overdramatic, I believe Hyunjin could be a Pisces Rising with his Pisces Sun in his 1st House and Mercury and Venus conjunct the Ascendant. This would explain his dreamy visuals and animated expressions that we all love dearly. Pisces risings always have an ethereal beauty to them, with their eyes noted for being especially captivating. Stares so intense but not in the same way as a Scorpio, no, Pisces risings look as though they’re lost inside their daydreams. Maybe its just me but Hyunjin almost looks sleepy sometimes, as though he is hypnotised by something. He has a grace to him, beautiful without even having to try, and that Venus conjunction alongside Pisces would only make this stronger. A Pisces rising is sometimes labelled shy but I believe that if his Sun were placed here too, it would explain his confidence and bubbly nature. Hyunjin’s giggles are addictive and a Mercury conjunction would make for someone much like a Gemini rising in that they can be lively and expressive, which he also seems to have no problem doing too with his inability to hide his excitement or disgust at anything, which we love him for.

Alternative Guess: Leo Rising

Jisung | Leo Rising | Gemini Midheaven

This boy stumped me as I was deciding between Leo or Aquarius. I settled on a Leo Rising thus an Aquarius Descendant. I felt this suited Jisung as he is labelled as one of the most extra members who if you can’t see, you can definitely hear singing in the background. Needless to say, this boy can be very loud and lively yet insecure and unsure of himself also, needing validation from others as he puts on a show to entertain everyone (note: skz pls give him the reactions he wants T-T). I also think that his Moon could then fall into his 8th House, and despite how bubbly Jisung is, he does have his moments where he lets his guard down and we see how much he has been holding back emotionally. Only recently he opened up about his distress with crowds but there have been other moments where he has revealed personal worries, such as the time he discussed his experience with depression and how he uses it to try transform himself for the better and now he can appreciate the small things in life more. I also think that due to interceptions and duplications, Jisung could have a Gemini Midheaven, which further explains his flexibility and adaptability to take on any role required. Main rapping? Check. Dancing center? Check. Hit that high note beautifully? Check. Gemini/Mercury are both also associated with communication and therefore careers involving writing can be popular for them; Jisung is involved in the writing and production process of all of Stray Kid’s songs and has become more confident in his abilities over time. With Gemini’s nervous and hyperactive mind too, it can explain why this little cutie can get so caught up in his head that he ends up forgetting his own lyrics and choreo sometimes!

Alternative Guess: Aquarius Rising

Felix | Cancer Rising | Aries Midheaven

Felix screams ‘big babyboy energy’ to me. His squishy cheeks, tiny hands and plump, pretty lips? CANCER RISING. Seriously, he’s so pretty and it makes me want to cry. His childlike demeanor and touchy nature show how soft he is, coining him the cuddly koala of Stray Kids. Despite his playful nature, he is also very sentimental and the members have even called him the most serious member, showing that he carries a sense of care and sincerity to everything he does. He’s been noted by the members for being extremely thoughtful of those around him, giving lots of gifts and spreading love and warmth as the sunshine of the group. In this sense, Felix is simultaneously a caretaker and child. He is full of passion and enthusiasm, always throwing himself into everything with a fighting spirit. Once settled on his goals, he goes after them with everything he’s got, even if the odds seem against him. To move abroad to pursue music when not even speaking the language might even seem impulsive to others, which is key to any Aries placement. His Aries Moon in the 9th or 10th House could also make him keen to explore and be very headstrong in his decisions. He tries to be optimistic and places a lot of his happiness on his success and growth from where he started, and with how far he has come, he should be so, so, so proud of himself today.

Alternative Guess: Libra Rising

Seungmin | Capricorn Rising | Libra Midheaven

I honestly think Seungmin is one of the most mature looking members, especially for being the second youngest of the group. He has very handsome features and has been known to resemble many of his seniors, including my bias Wonpil from Day6. Capricorn risings tend to be self-conscious and may mask their insecurities with humor usually of the deadpan or ‘savage’ kind - rip Changbin. They’re constantly pushing themselves to improve and will do with the strength and determination few can match. Seungmin has already achieved so much in his short career (e.g. picking up a new language in just three months and co-hosting a show through it) and yet he forever remains humble about all his hard work. His patience is unmatched too and no matter how excited he gets, he still knows when to be serious and put his head down. He doesn’t see the point in talking in circles when you could be getting the job done. When you compare him to the rest of his members, he is honestly one of the most mature and he really deserves more recognition for his strength and talents because he’s terribly underappreciated. A Capricorn rising is their own biggest critic so please show him more love.

Alternative Guess: Virgo Rising

Jeongin | Libra Rising | Cancer Midheaven

Maknae’s tend to get away with a lot of things, but Jeongin just has this extra charm to him that makes everyone whipped for him. This angel can do no harm, surely? rip Changbin once again. Libra risings are natural beauties noted for their symmetrical features, and Jeongin has such lovely and balanced proportions that I can’t help but be envious of. Libra risings are smart in social situations and can navigate conversation with ease, often sweet-talking others to bend to their will which Jeongin has no problem doing with his hyungs. No matter how cunning they can be, they hold an aura of innocence that you find it hard to fault them for anything really! Jeongin has been described as the member most likely to make you smile, and Libra risings aim to please everyone around them. Harmony is key and they get very upset at any kind of conflict, hating the thought of picking sides. Jeongin is very much a team player and has a different type of bond with every member, each relationship unique in their own ways. They can attract more dominant people into their lives (Aries Descendant) and the person that comes to mind first is Chan, who seems to have a particular soft spot for his little brother. Just another things to note is that male Libra risings can have feminine features or mannerisms or appreciate more traditionally Venusian aesthetics, and Jeongin has stated on multiple occassions that his favourite colour is pink! He even goes so far as to saying that its ‘a boy’s colour’ and he always looks so beautiful and himself when wearing it.

Alternative Guess: Capricorn Rising